What to do?

[Charlie1385]

I’ve been with my husband 18 years, married 10 years. We’ve got 2 kids under 12. My husband very rarely compliments me (I give the majority of compliments), doesn’t react when I cry, only ever really compliments me on my “services” (or when he’s after something), doesn’t do as much around the house as me (even though I only work 7.5hrs less a week), he points out my physical and personality imperfections (he says it’s not meant maliciously, but it feels it), and pretty much makes me feel like free childcare/housekeeping/sexual services. We’ve had our issues, over the years - when we 1st moved in together, I was 18 and he was 21. I was your average teen - going out nearly every weekend, with friends - 1 time, I can home with a love bite on my neck (I’m not proud of that). I spent time with 1 of his colleagues (15+years ago), the guy THOUGHT it was more than just friends, so he and a “friend” caused Agro. We split up COUNTLESS times, in the first 7 years. 3 years back, he hacked my Fb, and found flirty messages to a colleague of mine - it WAS just messages. I’m not sure how I feel about him anymore. He’s changed me. I used to be a romantic, empathetic, soppy. Now I’m cynical, far from romantic, and not very caring. When I try to talk to him, I can hardly get a straight answer out of him. I’ve suggested counselling, and he flat out refuses.
When he’s had a bit to drink, he drags up all the things I’ve done wrong.
I’m worried that if we split, I’ll not be able to afford anywhere.
What would you say/do?

You’re both as bad as each other really. What a miserable life for you all, especially the kids. You need to split up.

You definitely should think seriously about splitting up as clearly neither of you are happy. I would suggest you get some advice then you can make some plans / decisions. You need to do what is best for the DC

I know it’s easy to stay because it’s easy but you only have one life and you’re not happy.

Time to consider splitting up.

You will be due half of everything presumably, because you are married, so surely you can use that money as a deposit for your own place?

You came home with a love bite? A friend thought you were instigating something more than friendship and then 3yrs ago you were sending inappropriate messages to a colleague behind your husbands back? I'm not judging you I promise I'm not but do you think some of this behaviour has caused him to see you in a different light over the years and maybe that's why he is treating you this way? If you just describes his behaviour in your post I would feel for you I really would but it sounds like you may be responsible for some of his behaviour which could be caused by resentment. You have been together an awfully long time though and I always think it's sad when it comes to an end but maybe it really is time. You have admitted you have made several mistakes which is hard to do so I do admire the honesty there. What about some couples counselling before giving up completely?

He won’t do counselling. I’ve asked MANY times. And he flat out refuses

Why don't you give up, is this really a good example of a relationship for your kids? Is it really how you want to spend your life?

Have you looked seriously at your finances and housing options?

He flat out refuses counselling because he doesn’t want to change and sees no need to try.

That’s how much he values you and your opinion. He doesn’t. He is just cruising through life doing as he pleases. If he does things you don’t like he doesn’t care and there are no negative consequences as you just cry or nah or complain and then you stop making those noises and that’s that. Nothing changes. Nothing happens to him if he upsets you. It doesn’t matter.

Up to you if you stay or go on citizens advice, shelter or women’s aid websites for a bit of advice so at least you have some idea if your options.

I’ve been where you are with a man who thinks he’s fine and everything’s ok. I am a million times happier without him.