Toxic Friendship Trio

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I have a friend who seems to want to trap me into friendship trio's so she can compete with me over friendships. Our kids are very good friends and I've known her a long time, but have noticed a pattern of behaviour that's worrying over the last year or so.

Every time I talk to another mother or arrange a playdate, she panics and starts arranging playdates with them too. As a result, all of our friendships are shared. She then shows off about what she is doing with the other friend, is secretive and does not invite me to gatherings. Yet, at the same time, acts as if we are really close friends and can be wonderfully generous. I feel like I'm back at high school.

I've just received a text inviting me to a meet-up at her house with a friend I'm just starting to get to know. I can feel the same pattern happening again. She's trying to show me that the friend belongs to her (she often drops comments to that effect).

I feel trapped with her because I only every meet people she knows, and if she doesn't know them, she makes it her business to. I don't work, it's a small community and I only meet mums in the same social scene.

Anyone experienced anything like this before??

Yes. I have. Exactly this. It was a poisonous situation and I eventually parted company with the friend who did it. You can’t win with people like this and don’t say anything (like I did) because they then take huge offence and start poisoning people against you. You have to be really careful. Refuse her trio play dates. You’re busy. But you need to invite the other person over separately so you can build a friendship without the poisoner. Never ever say a bad word about the poisoner to anyone. As far as anyone needs to know you are quite good friends but you love making new friends. Make friends outside of school. Have lots of fingers in lots of pies. Somebody like this will ruin your social life if you let them

Listen to @probablysue she makes perfect sense

Probablysue - thank you for your message. I feel so trapped and it's causing me lots of anxiety. Some of her behaviour feels so calculated. From what you've said, I think it's best I decline the playdate offer and say I'm busy, then continue to meet with other people.

The difficulty I have it that she seems to control the social scene and is normally the one organising things. She also has a very 'party friendly' large house (and we don't), which means it's easy for her to invite groups around. She comes across as being very kind, timid and generous. No-one would ever suspect that she could be quite manipulative, and it took me a long time to figure it out.

Are you able to make friends that she would not be able to gain access to? Such as at a yoga class rather than through the parents at school. That way it would be more difficult for her to form a friendship.

Agree with PP. Need to drop the rope on her game. Don’t dare say anything as she is the type who will erupt into a rage and wage a campaign against you.

Her “generosity” is deliberate, emotional blackmail.

She is v socially insecure and is jealous of you. Her head will be whirring 24/7 as she is hyper vigilant to any perceived social threat or FOMO.

V manipulative - keep away - watch how others swerve her and ask yourself why you have tolerated this for so long.

I've had this too, and would absolutely agree with probablysue. I didn't have that advice and I've had pretty much every friend I loved and valued taken away from me and almost pushed to suicide.

Make friends away from her, far away from her grasp. It's the only way.

She sounds v NPD - has to be queen bee and centre of attention. Be v careful with these types they are highly insecure and you could get stung. Low profile, grey rock.

Other people don't seem to see it, although there is one friend who I think has caught on and we've talked about it a bit. When you've got children at primary school (particularly girls) staying in touch with their friends' mothers seems to be the thing to do to ensure your child stays well-connected and invited to parties - at least, that's how it seems to work around here. So I feel I can't just walk away from the group.

Perhaps keeping up these friendships loosely, for the sake of my DD and then finding my own real friends elsewhere?

I am scared that she will cut me out completely if she catches wind that I am on to her, as some of you have predicted.

My advice is not to worry about the large party house stuff. That’s not the way to make friends or win this anyway. You need to invite solo people over. One on one. Do it quietly. As for trio play dates you gush “thank you so much. You’re so lovely to think of me as usual. I’m not feeling 100% at the moment though. Bit rundown so I’ll pass this time. Have a lovely time” then the next time she invites you’ve got a relative visiting. The time after that you’re waiting in for sainsburys. Such bad luck as you’d love to be there. In the meantime you message people for play dates and organise your own. Do it on weekends when she won’t see who is coming or going. Who visits you is none of her business. How about setting up a book club with 3 or 4 of the mums you know like reading (not her) a running group. Find something she hates and do that with the other mums. What isn’t she into?

Oh and be prepared. You’re scared she will cut you out completely...that will happen. It’s how these people operate. So get prepared and resilient and have loads of other social people to fall back on.

I had a 'frenemy' like this when my dc were little. I had always had normal friendships before her, so it took me a while to realise how strange and manipulative her behaviour was. She did it with any other 'mum' friends she caught wind of me making. I'd be having a laugh with them, making a loose plan whatever, next thing they were bosom buddies with her.
When she started asking for my 'real' (e.g. previous to dc) friend's phone numbers, inviting them round to hers etc., I stopped seeing her. Luckily my 'real' friends thought she was ok but didn't choose her as a friend.

Disclaimer: obviously we all make new friends as we go through life, and don't own our friends, but this person was very fast to move in on people, calculated about things and I totally think it was underhand and deliberate, rather than truly clicking with others, that's different. (Btw she was rumbled in her behaviour by others as time went on).

Oh yes the do see it. They have probably swerved her for years and the new ones are just being polite. They will keep their distance and drop her soon. Step back and watch from afar.

She must be used to this happening if she doesn’t have existing long term friendships and needs to keep refreshing her supply.

Really don’t discuss it with anyone as this is high risk.

Yes I agree Gutterton, I wish I'd not mentioned anything and will not talk about it with other people.

If she realises I am friends with another school mum she'd previously showed no interest in (e.g. when I agreed to do lift-sharing with a mum whose DD happened to be attending the same Brownies group as mine), you can actually see the panic in her face. Next thing you know she's hanging around them with her phone calendar trying to organise things, and saying things to me to suggest they are already really good friends.

When she sees me talking to a mutual friend, it annoys her so much that she comes over and says something she thinks will make me feel jealous, like "This morning DD had a lovely time playing outside all morning with her friends". The suggestion is that I was not invited.
What upsets me the most is that she is constantly monitoring who I am talking to, and trying to upset me.

They must feel so shitty inside to have to try and make others feel sad.

She sounds disturbed.

Can you try to keep conversation about other friends and activities away from her as much as possible? Like the lift to Brownies friend. Could you have avoided her knowing about that?

Grey rock. Be secretive. Play at being an international super spy. You'll soon make your own special Secret Seven group of mums who cannot abide her.

The trick in these situations is to appear blithely oblivious to it all, and be resoundingly jolly no matter what.

In the example above, when she commented about her dd playing outside with 'all' her friends, then the right approach would have been "Oh how lovely, and such a relief for you that the weather was nice and they could play outside instead of getting under your feet indoors" MN head tilt and blithely innocent smile

Yes, I know one like this. I agree with not saying anything to her or anyone else. Just emotionally withdraw completely. Loads of smileys in texts but don’t commit to any meet ups. She can’t control you!

God she sounds deranged!
Can u get this thread deleted? Am always terrified on other people's behalf in case they're identified!!

i had an ex-friend like that- she was called Charlotte. She had been spoilt rotten her whole life, was insecure as fuck and dealt with it by always coveting what someone else had....be that friends or boyfriends (who she flirted with openly).
She too would act all innocent and fragile and as though she never had a bad thought about anyone let alone acted in a bad way.

It didn't work with me after i noticed her do it the first two times. i called her out on it, she acted like the victim and gave everyone a sob-story, they chose her side - so i dumped the lot of them. Best thing i ever did.

What you need to do is back away from her sharpish.
Tell her NOTHING about your life and just repeat like a broken record "i'm busy" if/when she asks.

New friends or people you are making friends with - don't say anything about her to them.....let her dig her own grave.
She will....soon as she tries to 'overtake' the people you're communicating with, THEY will notice her batshit, fake, desperate behaviour.

You are actually better off inviting one or two mums round to your house, as it's better to get to know/bond with them in a smaller setting.
That way if they ask/say anything about your ex-friend, you just make out like you're all diplomatic and don't want to say anything nasty - but say that you've 'had' to put a strong boundary in place with her so could they please not mention anything about your life to her?

You create the impression that she's creating issues for you re boundaries (which is true) without actually saying it.

They will cotton on pretty quick to the boundary crossing, especially when she starts love-bombing them.....then they will choose their own boundaries with her.....and when she bitches about you to them (which she will), they will choose for themselves who they prefer to befriends with.

People like her spend so much energy 'collecting' people that they forget that friendships/relationships need nurturing....they think people must feel so grateful that someone like her deigned to show them attention that they will tolerate being used.
She can have large parties of mums at her house - it's all surface fluff and it just isn't conducive to really getting to know people.

Stay in your integrity- and one step ahead of her - and you will be ok.

You could have proper fun with this like i did.
i'm one of those people who will happily chat away to a stranger to pass the time, so i had no problem striking up convo's with random people and making it look like i knew them/wanted to know them as friends......then i'd observe my toxic 'friend' do her act.
It was hilarious!

This happened to me only the other mum was stealing my child's friends. Then deliberately leaving my child out. We fell out over it as my child got so upset a out being left out again and I sent a text saying so. With hindsight I'd recommend rising above it and making friends without this woman in the mix.