Is it normal to still feel like this - six years later?

[Bookworm83]

I left my ex husband six years ago.

He was horrible in many ways, these are just some examples:

• gambling addict who bankrupted us
• substance abuser
• controlling
• emotionally abusive
• not interested in sex
• lived a separate life in a separate bedroom for the last two years of our marriage

Thankfully I had no kids with that man.
After I left, he illegally found out my address and stalked & harassed me to the point police were involved. I was terrified of him.

I am now in a wonderful second marriage with the most perfect man I could have asked for. We are expecting our first baby very soon and we're so happy.

However I still have issues related to my ex.
I have recurring nightmares in which he finds me and breaks into my house. He either hurts or tries to kill me, in a very cold blooded way.

Apart from the dreams, I get anxiety attacks whenever someone or something reminds me of him. E.g. from time to time Facebook suggests I should add him to my friends. Or I see someone on the street who looks a bit like him from afar (I no longer live in the same city as him but I still work there). Or someone literally asks me "have you heard from X lately, how is he doing". Or someone refers to me by my old surname (his surname).

All these things make me shake inside and sometimes cry. If I see someone resembling him I feel genuine fear and want to run.

How is it possible that I still feel like this all these years later, even though I now have such a good life and a wonderful, loving relationship?

How can I get rid of these feelings?

A couple of years ago I tried counselling and was diagnosed with PTSD, but I could only afford six months of therapy and it didn't help me in the long run.

Are there any self help things I could try, or books perhaps? Anything to stop feeling so scared of something that's clearly in the past?

You experienced a trauma. I'm not a professional, but sometimes people who have experienced trauma may need help to cope with it.

Have you had any therapy?

I'm wondering though, if you could put some practical measures in place?
Block him on fb, and de friend any friends in common.

Why do people ask you how he is? Do people know what he did?
People asking him about you suggests that you haven't talked about it?
If people do know, but still ask you about him, then that would be disgusting behaviour, and they shouldn't be allowed in your life.

I'm so sorry for what he did, though.

As I began to read your message, I thought PTSD, as I am also suffering from it. As you're pregnant, you'll be a priority for therapy through the NHS. You can either self refer or ask your GP or midwife to refer you to talking therapies. Hope you manage to find the help you need xx

This sounds like PTSD. It’s not surprising after what you went through.

Find a therapist that specialises in PTSD, and let them help you.

Ps I am having trauma focused CBT, rather than counselling- perhaps what you had wasnt so specialised and you can get it this time?

Look up EMDR therapy in your area. They teach a technique that you can use to desensitise yourself. Many people have had quick success with it.

I totally sympathise. Your reaction is totally understandable and sometimes can take significant time to recover from. It's the fear of the unknown, and your mind still preparing yourself for the fight or flight response. It may be that you are feeling particularly vulnerable and protective as you are pregnant.
Do talk to your partner about your fears. You might find you feel slightly more reassured sharing here too.
I presume the police gave you practical advice on protecting yourself, you can contact them again. Forces have crime prevention officers that can visit you for reassurance, and generally they are much more sympathetic and helpful, not just advice on home security. Your gp should be able to put you on a waiting list for counselling.

There may be specialist support groups/ charities online that you can talk to as well.
It may help you to put in place an action plan just in case you do happen to see him one day, very unlikely, but may well make you feel more settled, and you are taking control.
Situations like yours are difficult to recover from, and you may well have wobbles now and then in the future, try to find something to distract yourself, even if for a few minutes, such as meditation or breathing exercises.
Take comfort from knowing that this will pass, and although you may naturally have wobbles, it will stop becoming too consuming at times.
So delighted to hear that you have a wonderful partner and the excitement of a baby on the way. Take care.

my dd had emdr for ptsd and it helped massively. I'd recommend it

Thanks everyone.
I have looked up an EMDR therapist nearby and will contact them for prices etc.
I just don't know if this is the right time to do it, my baby is due in just 17 days and will no doubt need my undivided attention. Also I only get statutory maternity pay so money will be tight for a while.

I shouldn't have left it this long ☹️

I am currently recieving help due to my ex leaving me with anxiety. I’ve been referred to women’s aid who are going to put me forward for group sessions that they think will help me. It may be worth a trip to your doctors and get some help.

Maybe in the short term you can't afford the therapy, but it's an investment in not just yourself but your family - it'll benefit you all. So please look at it as a necessity, not a luxury item. We tend to put our own needs on low priority, but your mental wellbeing is important to all of you. (If it's not the right time right now, plan for it and save/budget for it in the near future.)

Good things, like pregnancy, can be stressful too and can trigger old feelings. Be kind to yourself, you have done so well and made amazing progress.

As said, this was trauma, it's understandable you avoided looking at your pain. You will work through this. Don't let your worry take away from such a special time for you. Wishing you the best