I need advice mothers of the world

[Advice123777]

Hi,

I know this might not be the best place to add this but I don’t have a mother and so the thought of having all these mothers out there and their amazing advice seams amazing to me.

Can you help/advise?

I’ve been with my partner for near on 5/6 years and been friends for well over a decade.

Whenever he is drunk he breakers up with me and shows so many signs of disassociative behaviour. I was taken in an ambulance recently due to an ongoing illness and he didn’t come. I appear to be last on the list of priorities always. He’s a lovely man but gets overwhelmed and drunk and only o. My side when I’m at my best. I can’t be my best always so when I’m down he signs out.

Wverytime he drinks he breaks up with me and I honestly do not feel valued or loved atall. I don’t know what is his trauma and what is real.

Should I leave (this would be so hard for me with my Illness ) or should I try and understand what’s going on.

As I said I grew up without a mother so I do t know anything about loving female advice.

Can any of you help?

Apologies if this isn’t the correct use of this platform but so many of my friends said that collective female advice helped them so much.

It’s better to be alone then to be in bad company.

If he breaks up with you like you’re a toy he just tosses away, doesn’t support you when you’re ill and need him and seems to be an alcoholic on top of that, there’s no base for any kind of relationship. Break up with him and work on your self esteem issues. You deserve much better.

You're effectively on your own with your illness already.

This isn't a good relationship. I would make the next break up permanent.

Do you have children together. How often is he drunk. Does he go to work when he is hungover.

I was married to an alcoholic. I learned that you cannot help them and that they are the most selfish people in the world.

I would always say to LEAVE an alcoholic. They will ruin your life.

Having someone dump you and then pick you up again repeatedly is very bad for your well being. You don't deserve that. Take back control and finish it with him before he does it to you again.

I also would be a bit concerned at how erratically he behaves when drunk, and would perhaps feel a bit unsafe.

I'd say you're on your own anyway so regards illness it wont have as much impact as you think.
I had a partner who was also my carer but wasn't caring for me. I took the difficult decision to leave and actually find I'm OK. It's not easy and I pay for services like a cleaner using pip but it works because emotionally without him here I'm stronger and more resilient and so are my dc.
You have an added difficulty but it should never stop you from leaving an unsuitable relationship. A hard descision for you but please think about how much help you are actually getting from him and look at where you can get that from instead.

He's not lovely if he's not by your side supporting you in difficult times. Marriage vows state sickness and health and rich and poor for a reason. If he can't demonstrate this in a relationship he doesn't deserve to be with you. Why would you stick by him when he can't or won't show you the same loyalty?

Whenever he is drunk
Find a better boyfriend. Or no boyfriend would also be better.

What earthly use is he??
He doesn't support you when you need it, has no care for either your feelings or you physical well-being and he is not your friend. Would you treat a dog like this? I bet not.
You may fear being lonely without him, but believe me there is no loneliness worse than when you are with someone and they are not with you in any meaningful way.
In short, get rid.

Self esteem is something I think I need to address

Thank you so much all of these comments are full of good clean advice.

It’s really hard if you don’t have a motherly figure to know how to look after yourself and your needs sometimes.

I’m definitely exhausted from it all.

Thank you so much mother’s of the world 🙏🙏🙏

It so hard to know how much to give and how much you can be there for another person that has their own trauma. I read about ‘conscious coupling’ - healing together but it always seems to be the females that take the brunt of it all.

My trauma comes in anxiety and my health, never does it cause outward pain to anyone else.

Is it worth seeking counselling or is just so much work, years and heartache?

Xx

My dear, there is no loneliness in the world worse than feeling lonely whilst in a relationship. They’re supposed to make you feel better, not worse! This one’s just dragging you down, isn’t it?

Have a think about that, and yes, I think somebody impartial to talk to in real life could be helpful. Good luck. 💐

What would you advise your own daughter, if she was in your situation?

No, there is nothing you can do to help him. What keeps you in this abusive relationship is probably the fear of the unknown. Fear is a feeling provoked by thoughts. And that’s something you can change.
Let yourself be happy.

A loving, healthy relationship looks like this.

You care about each other. That means you care when they are not well, and look after them. You are concerned for their well being.
It means that when the other person is having a bad day, you sympathise, ask about it, and see if there is somethign you can do to help.
It means that you put the other person first in your plans and thoughts. you consider how your actions will effetc them, and change your behaviour if necessary.

This should work in BOTH directions. If it isn't, you may be loving him, but you aren't being loved back.

If I was in an ambulance, my dh would be either with me, or with our kids and worrying himslef sick becuase he couldn't be with me.

breaking up regularly is really really destructiver it shows no love of consideration for you or yoru feelings, or the effect this has on you.

You deserve better. Don't be with someone in order not to be lonely. Bad relationships are more lonely than being on your own.
Yes counselling (for you) would help, a lot. It doesn't have to be years, sometimes a few key skills/new awareness etc can be life changing.

This man is no good for you at all, you need to end the relationship and concentrate on your health. I’m so sorry you have no mother but to be honest once we hit adulthood we each have to be our own mothers, nurturing ourselves and putting ourselves centre stage in our own lives. Do you have friends you can reach out to? I really recommend working on friendships at the end of a relationship, people can surprise you.

And yes, counselling for you if you can access it is an excellent idea.

Thank you so much everyone.

I have so much to think about.

Xxx

He’s a lovely man

You sound a reasonable person and he sounds a right shit.

With literally billions in the world, you must see that you could do better than this? Being single would be better than this. It's less a relationship than a hostage situation, complete with Stockholm Syndrome.

Dumpety dump dump dump. 💐

Kindness and respect are the cornerstones of any relationship - even with a colleague, friend, family member.

Simple really.

Does he treat you with kindness and respect?

Do you treat yourself with kindness and respect?

I suspect not if you are tolerating this behaviour. Be your own best friend.
Get rid of him so that you can free up your time, emotions and headspace to work on self compassion in therapy.

I am sorry that life has dealt you a challenging hand. Take care of yourself.

Thank you so much everyone.

I think a big part of all this is being 34 and at that age where you think it’s now or never to have a family. I know it’s not the be all and end all but sometimes I get scared I’ll miss my chance. Have any of you had this same worry.

Given my situation - my family kind of has to start with me. 34 always gets places as being in last chance territory. Maybe I’m just being paranoid.

Any slightly older mums out there can give me hope of still building a family?

I know the person in question is probably the worst choice of partner - it’s been so long and is so bloody scary to start again.

Have you all always had a smooth ride with your partners or do these ups and downs happen?

Hope you’re all having a good weekend x

34 is not old!
Please leave this abusive alcoholic, he is dragging you down!
Get some counselling, to work things through.
Look at attachment styles and codependency.
Was anyone else in your family an alcoholic?

Please go on YouTube and look at these relationship counsellors:
Susan Winter- Full of motherly advice
Marisa Peer
Crappy childhood Fairy
Matthew Hussey
Russell Brand
Alex Cormont

My mum had my twin sisters when she was 42 years old!

You are young, work on your self esteem and confidence and find a decent loving man to have children with!

💕💕💕💕💕

This man would be a horror to inflict on any child. Don’t do that.

Agree invest seriously in your own emotional development for a year or so and your life will transform. My sister had twins at 43 and my friend is due her first end of this month at 46.

I met my DH at 35, after being single for 2 years. We now have a 3 yo DD when I was 38 and he is an awesome husband and father.

Your Oh sounds just like my ex. Run for the hills, he won't change and you cannot have a baby with this asshole, trust me its hard enough when you have a fully supportive partner!