Am I being unreasonable and unsupportive?

[DevotedDevonMother]

I've never done this before but I desperately need someone to vent to so please be kind!

My husband and I have been married a good number of years and we have 2 wonderful children together under the age of 10.
In recent years my husband has had to give up his job to become my full time carer.
It is not what we planned but we manage OK and get along fine together.
He does a lot of the jobs that I cannot manage anymore and takes me when I want to go shopping etc.
We love each other and still have a laugh together and enjoy watching a film in the evening together.
The problems occur when the children are home from school, my hubby has no patience with them.
Our son has autism and attends a special needs school. My hubby tells people our son has autism, but makes no allowance for his autistic behaviour.
He constantly berates our son over, what I consider to be small things, such as chewing loudly, talking loudly, bouncing his ball, spinning in circles etc etc.
My hubby doesn't say it in a kind way either, he will shout things like, 'why are shouting, shut up'
I actually counted the other day, he berated our son 14 times and he'd only been home an hour.
When the children are being well behaved things are OK, but as soon as they behave in any other manner than perfectly my husband cannot cope.
He will shout at the children, grab them roughly by the arm and drag them to their rooms.
Most of our arguments are now centered around the children because I refuse to sit there and watch him belittle the children or treat them badly.
We have been on parenting courses to tackle these issues and while that helped settle things for a while, my husband seems to have forgotten everything we learned.
My hubby says that I am too soft on the children, and gets angry when they don't listen to him and asks why they only listen to me.
I have tried to talk to him about what we learnt at the parenting group, asking the children politely to do something rather than ordering them around and being as consistant as possible. However he just gets angry with me making snide comments such as 'it's alright for you, you love them' and 'well we can't all be perfect like you '
I'm not saying I'm perfect, just trying to put into practice what I learnt.
He has started making snide comments to the children too like 'so when are you moving out'. I think he means it as a joke, but I don't think it's very good for their self esteem.
I want the children to grow up confident and happy, not constantly put down for the smallest infraction.

I feel like I've got to the end of my tether having these conversations with my husband when he makes no changes.
I don't want to give up on him, but I don't know what else to do.
He agreed to go to counselling but the result of that was the counsellor said he too has autism and we should just accept my husband is the way he is and cannot change.
So when I ask my hubby to be a little kinder in the way he speaks to the children he just throws at me 'I've got autism, I can't cope with their noise and you shouldn't expect me to.'
I understand it's difficult for him, but the way he treats the children is worse since he saw the counsellor, almost like he's given himself permission to act the way he does.

I've got to the point I just want to take the children and walk away.
I love my husband, but I love my children more, does that make me a terrible person?

I use the term 'walk' loosely, I'm in a wheelchair and I can't just walk away. My home is adapted so just leaving isn't an option.

Any helpful advice would be gratefully appreciated

That’s awful, your husband is bullying your children.

I have a son who’s Non verbal and autistic, he screams a lot (and I mean high pitched screaming which goes on for a long time), I have lost my temper with him on occasion and shouted at him to shut up. It has always made the situation worse. The calmer I am and the environment he’s in, the better his behaviour.

I’m a single parent and it’s hard, I have no respite as his dad is pretty useless.

Do you think you could cope without your husband around? would you get help from social services?
Personally, I would be looking into what help I’d be entitled to as a disabled single mother with a child who has additional needs. I think you’ll find your sons behaviour improves if his dad isn’t around constantly berating him for things he can’t control.

making snide comments such as 'it's alright for you, you love them'

As in, he doesn't??

Seriously....what the fuck is wrong with him?

I wouldn't have that for one second. Your poor kids

He needs to go, his resentment of his children will mess them up.

There in lies the issue, they do behave better for me when he's not around.
Even he's admitted it!
But you read so much about how children need their father and how splitting up a family is damaging to children that I don't want to make a bad decision and mess everything up.
I would definitely struggle with things around the home because I don't have a support network to help with those things.
I know I can handle my children, they are gorgeous and such an amazing help to me, helping with the laundry, washing up and tidying around the home. Heavily rewarded for this too I might add but I believe in the carrot, not the stick!
When the kids are calm, he's happy. He'll play with them and make jokes. It just all goes to pot when he feels he can't cope.
Hence my question as to whether I am being unreasonable and not understanding enough.
But then again, I don't think there is ever an excuse for projecting your feelings onto other people and I'm sick of feeling like I'm walking on eggshells.

Children need a kind nurturing caregiver. 1 is more than enough. Impregnating a fertile female with your sperm does not mean you will be even an adequate father. Currently your DC have a nurturing caregiver and an abuser in their home.

Op read about personality disorders.

'it's alright for you, you love them'
What??

OP it sounds awful for you and your children.
I can see from this why posters in here always say never go to councelling with an abusive person.

He really needs to go. I think you would all be so much happier without him, but I know it's easy to say but not so easy for you when he is your carer.

Hopefully some posters with more knowledge will come with advice on any help you could access.

It's an unpleasant situation and I feel for you and your children, but is it not possible that your husband needs more support? He's your full time carer. That's a lot of responsibility, on top of having two children; one with additional needs. I don't mean to make assumptions, but as you're in a wheelchair, does this mean that the housework mostly falls to him? That seeing to the children's physical needs falls to him? He may just be at braking point. If he's at home with you all day, he may feel isolated. How much does he mix with other adults?
As for losing his temper with the kids and the things he's said; it's very bad, but it may be his way of crying for help. If he does most of the work and feels that the children are poorly behaved for him (whether it's true, or his perception), and that you merely talk calmly and they are very good, I can see how he could feel like it's a slap in the face, that he can't do anything right, and that he wants to just give up. It does sound as though he's giving up.

You say you have a good marriage otherwise and that he is caring towards you? If he is, I wouldn't call him an abuser. I'd give him a chance and see if he can get some additional support. Perhaps counseling for just himself, or a cleaner, or scheduled days/evenings with friends or other family.
As for his diagnosis of autism, if it is accurate, it does read a little as though you will excuse your DC's behaviour as something beyond their control, but that you think your DH's is within his?

I hope that your DH is simply struggling, because that means it's possible to fix it. If it's just a bad attitude, it's obviously a totally different issue. I feel for you all.

Thing is, the dc need to come first, and being constantly denigrated and berated (whatever the father's diagnosis) is emotional abuse, and is not in their interests. He needs to go back to the parenting classes and keep doing them, or needs to go.

OP has your husband had an official diagnosis of autism? Were you there when the counsellor said he had autism? Do you think that's just something he is saying in order to get away with bad behaviour?

You've already spoken to him about his behaviour and he refuses to change. I understand that it's difficult for you because of your restrictions but you can't allow your husband to continue to abuse your children like this and it is abuse.

You've spoken to him and he doesn't want to change so your next step is for him to leave. You have to protect your children.