Should I just accept this is life and be grateful

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Just looking for advice really and if anyone else has been in the same situation. I have been with my partner for 13yrs and have 2 children. I'm not completely happy in the relationship. I don't really fancy him anymore and we are only intimate once a month (and that's because I feel bad). We don't ever have anytime for ourselves (even though I've mentioned to him, various times, for once a month to have a date night).

We are engaged but no sight of a wedding. We just make ends meet, pay our bills and don't have no savings. I keep suggesting that if we book a wedding for say 3yrs time we could be paying it off each month, not really notice it but at least we know its booked. He just doesn't see it as a priority. We don't go on holidays not even little breaks. We never have anything exciting to look forward to.

I feel bad as he is a good guy, dont really socialize, don't cheat, works hard, so I feel bad for moaning but I'm so bored and feel stuck in a rut and honestly don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I have tried talking to him but just ends in arguments. Anything I suggest to him, I feel he doesn't take it seriously and nothing happens.

What do I do. A part of me wants to leave because you know, you only get one life and I want to be happy but I do love him and he's the father of our children. Has anyone been in the same situation, what did you do, did you leave, how did it turn out? Do you regret leaving? Thanks for reading this far.

Hi OP,

I understand what you are going through. I am in a long standing marriage and have many of the same thoughts as you.

I would suggest couples counselling as you have children together. Maybe this would help you both find a way to reconnect and help DP to see that he needs to also make an effort to save the relationship.

If things then don't work out at least you will have tried to save things first before moving on.

Life is for living, I realise that myself and always want to feel like I have things to look forward to. You sound very down and I really hope things get better for you

I'm sorry you're not happy, OP.

One thing that stands out to me is that you have no savings, but are thinking of having a wedding that would would presumably be quite expensive if you would plan to pay for it monthly.

As you have children, it would definitely be a good idea to get married (not least in case you split up, looking on the gloomy side). However, it just needs to be a formality and is very cheap.

Why don't you do that, and then spend whatever you would be putting aside every month for a wedding on going out with DP and doing a few nice and inexpensive things (a couple of nights away, for example)?

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I have no advice, but you'd be better having this moved to Relationships, where you'll get good advice and support (sometimes). I hope you can resolve this

We're going to move this over to relationships for you now, OP.

Has your relationship always been like this or did you use to have fun and go out and do things?

You say you never have anything exciting to look forward to. But why does that have to involve him? Why wait for him to plan something, clearly he isn't fussed about that type of thing.

Start planning things by yourself, with friends or with your dc. If lack of money is an issue, plan free things, also that won't be solved by splitting up. Same with lack of free time, neither of those things are his fault. "Date nights" aren't the be all and end all, nothing like sitting in silence in a restaurant to make you feel bored with each other. Go out with a friend, and tell him all about it when you get back.

I'm not saying don't leave the relationship if you want to, but if you don't want to right now, that's something you could try.

I do go out with my friends and I do plan things but 9/10 he is working. I have also planned things as a family (which i would like to do more of) but unfortunately he can't come because of work (he does shift work and works most weekends) and I've had to find someone else to come with me.

@musti no when we first got together we were always doing things. We would be spontaneous and just go to the beach etc.

You don't fancy him. Don't marry him. This will not change and you will get to the point where even that once a month sex will be too much.

Life is too short to stay with someone you don't really want.

As you have children, it would definitely be a good idea to get married

She said she no longer fancies him. Is it ethical to marry him when the chance of divorce is therefore very high?

Would work FT if you don’t already, and plan to end the relationship, unless you think the sexual attraction might come back in which case could try couple’s counselling.

She said she no longer fancies him. Is it ethical to marry him when the chance of divorce is therefore very high?

Not entirely, no. But I'd see it as a form of damage limitation. You read so many posts on here by women who didn't marry their partners and who have ended up being completely screwed post-separation. Or women who can't leave abusive partners because they can't afford to due to not being married.

How old are you both? IME After 10 years I think the shine goes off a relationship but that doesn't have to mean the end.

What do you like about him? Are you working and feeling fulfilled? What is the housing situation and do you have security?

If you are" just making ends meet" then why the hell are you talking about saving for three years for a wedding ? Just get married if that is what both of you want . There's no need for a big show.

Most of your unhappiness seems to be due to living in poverty.
Not having savings or any extra money can make you feel resentful towards each other. If you both work, you’re both thinking why can’t he or she get a better job? What is wrong with them?

When you are in a relationship and unhappy, it isn’t always the relationship making you unhappy.

As others have said, you don’t need a wedding to get married. No wedding and being upset about that is directly related to no money.

For Gods sake don't marry him, divorce costs a fortune and you will be paying off that debt forever.
ZSounds to me like he needs a shick to jolt him back to reality.
I'd tell him I am planning to leave because the relationship is so boring.
See what he makes of that.

Why save for 3 years for a wedding

Getting married costs next to nothing and those who do it in a registry office for next to nothing are just as married as those who spend £50k

You don’t fancy him and only have pity sex with him, you aren’t happy in your relationship. I don’t think it’s a good idea to marry him.

Are you working OP ? Could you work more hours ? So that he works slightly less and you both have more time off together .. or perhaps you try and get a better paying job to give yourselves more spending money.

Agree about the marriage. £215 at our local registry all in. Even a really nice meal afterwards for you and close family should put you in debt for 3 years.. you can still have 'the dress' . Many charity chops have specialists bridal sections .. I got mine from one , it was £69 Vera Wang second.. no one noticed the microscopic 'fault' .. they also do all the accessories and shoes for peanuts. It was actually great fun finding out bits for next to nothing. Our wedding was under £1k for everything.

I am working yes. We have money each month (not alot but something) which is 'wasted' as such and if a wedding was booked then it would go on that instead. I didnt say I wanted an extravagant wedding I would be happy for a low key no frills one. I do love him so much but he just doesn't see the importance of us having time together still and that at the moment our relationship is boring. I feel that if we did more together as a couple and family then in the bedroom would pick up too. But I just dont think he will ever do these things and I dont know whether to just accept that's life (because I love him), or to leave and be with someone (eventually) who likes to plan things and explore.

Have you told him exactly how you feel OP?

Life is way to short (sorry for the cliche) to waste your life in this mundane way! Some are happy with this kind of dull normality but you're clearly not so get out and find someone to have fun with. Don't be scared as you're not the first or last or poorest or (insert anything here) to have done so and it usually ends up better than the reality you're living now x

Do not marry him! Move on. I didn’t really fancy my hubby either and have similar to you - although money not an issue here.
I haven’t had sex with him for over ten years and have become very miserable over the last few years. Life is for living, like someone else has said.
My children are older and I want to leave. It’s just having the guts to do it. He isn’t a cheater etc. but there is nothing there!

Our wedding was a £50 registry office one back in 1997. I refused to spend loads but, looking back, it was because I felt awkward about marrying him.