I don't know if this is the correct forum to post to, and if it isn't, please let me know where I should go.
I am married to my husband of 12 years, we have 2 kids together.
I met him when he was 15, I was 14. We started dating seriously when we were 17/16.
I learned about his crossdressing slowly. I found out that he enjoyed wearing panties. I was a little surprised, but ok with it, and it was included in our sex life.
He revealed more feminine sides of himself, as time went on, but nothing "extreme".
I asked him once, before we got married, if he was gay. (I now understand that most crossdresser aren't.) He assured me he was straight.
After marriage, the crossdressing escalated. He got into the "pink fog" I guess. He started wearing lingerie and full outfits sometimes.
A handful of times I helped him dress up, did his makeup, nails, he put a wig and heels. I taped him dancing to music etc. I wanted to badly to accept him for who he is. But the truth is I felt sick to my stomach. Like I didn't even know who he was. And fundamentally turned off.
Things continued to escalate sexually. Wearing panties during sex wasn't so bad. But what was, was the boredom on his face unless we were including his crossdressing or feminine persona.
Unless I was on top, with his legs spread, and me grinding on him, taking dirty referring to him as a girl, he just wouldn't be into it.
Beyond being a complete turn off for me, and having to "muscle" through it. It also hurt. I wanted to be desired during sex, as a woman. And not just used as a prop for his identity fantasy.
I should have said something more....but I wanted to be accepting....I wanted to make him happy. And I'm not good at setting sexual boundaries, partly due to being abused as a child. I think some of these experiences triggered past trauma as well.
The feeling of being a prop intensified when pegging was introduced....especially watching him get so much enjoyment out of performing fellacio on a literal prop, that wasn't even really part of me. It made me feel sick. And completely inadequate.
I would cry afterward sometimes. He has admitted now that he knew this at the time. And just didn't want to face it.
A couple years ago I left him for about 4 months. During that time he purged everything. And said he was done. (I know better than that, I know it can't be wished away)
After getting beck together, over the last coupe of years, it's been creeping back in. Cause I want to say yes...I want accept him for him....but then it strikes a nerve again, and I backtrack, which isn't fair to him either.
We've kept it separate from sex. But I feel like I'm just not attracted to him at all.... And maybe it's all the femininity? I'm naturally attracted, very strongly, to masculinity, and though he tries, that just isn't him. Having sex with him feels like going through the motions, which I'm sure he can sense. And I'm sure that hurts.
In the past he swore up and down that he couldn't possibly be attracted to men, which he now admits that he was fooling himself, and is in fact bi. He also tells me that he doesn't feel that he's transgender (and even if he was I don't think he'd dare to transition --his family and many of his friends are not the accepting kind). But he spends a lot of his spare time looking at transgender before and afters. Maybe just to "get a fix", ya know? But I worry about what else he is fooling himself about. It's what he mostly talks about. He sends me memes about it all day....has he not noticed that I don't respond?
He said to me today that he thinks his sex drive is higher than mine. He has no idea....how incredibly sexually repressed I feel. How often I look at porn when he's gone. I told him that the stuff he sends me turns me off. He looked like that hurt him. And he didn't say anything else....
I don't want to be the wife that doesn't even let her CDing husband talk to her about it. But everytime he does lately....I start crying. I have feelings of resentment.
I find myself looking at other men a lot. I feel trapped, and incredibly lonely. These feelings add massive guilt on top of it all.
I fantasize about divorce, and it makes me feel like a shitty person. He's a good husband otherwise. He's a fantastic father. I love him in so many ways....but not sexually.
I simply don't know where to go from here. I'm not going to do anything stupid like cheat, or leave for another guy that I barely know. I don't want to hurt my kids....But I feel like I can't go on like this.
I read a story today about a young gay man, who was raised in Mormonism, finely being able to be attracted to who he was naturally attracted to, without guilt. This made me burst into uncontrollable sobs. I feel like it's all coming to a head.
Thanks for the long read. Any advice would be extremely appreciated.