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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Trapped and scared of the future

10 replies

SnazzyLassy · 11/03/2020 21:36

Name changed so it’s not attached to my other posting.

I’m trapped and scared to leave. We have a joint tenancy but I will become homeless as he will refuse to leave. We have a 5yo DD and I am due to give birth again in 3 weeks time. The relationship started off well but has slowly declined over the years. I currently have no income. No maternity pay due to the nature of my job (freelancing).

The relationship started off great but don’t they all. Over the years he’s shown me that he cannot prioritise his family and his children. These days he comes home, eats the food I’ve made him and leaves the table to play video games before I even finish eating. He doesn’t ask about our DD’s day and doesn’t care. He doesn’t ask about my day and doesn’t care. I have learned not to cry or express any other emotion other than fake happiness in front of him because he just gets very angry and venomous. He has become extremely verbally and psychologically abusive since I fell pregnant again because the baby wasn’t planned. He doesn’t care about the baby, doesn’t care about missing scans, never touches my belly and doesn’t care when I talk about names or just dismisses all of my suggestions as ‘shit and awful’.

He calls me a bitch and tells me that I’m controlling. That he hates spending time with me and wants to do what he wants when he wants. He calls me fat and ugly which I know I am. I look in the mirror and I am disgusted at what I have become since becoming pregnant. I was very fit and toned before as I went to the gym loads. I had the time and money to get my hair done now it just looks ratty and vile. I hate leaving the house and wonder what people might think of the mess that I am. Right now I am laid in bed in the dark crying and I just want someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. No one loves me and no one cares about me. I wish so badly that someone would show me some affection. I have been here for an hour after he pushed me over the edge by his horrible response to me bringing up paternity leave. He said ‘well if I can’t get the week off work paid then I won’t be doing it’. As if his child is worth less than a measly £300. He hasn’t noticed or bothered to check on me. I presume he’s still playing his video games. He doesn’t even look at me when I enter I room I feel so insignificant.

I want to leave and I want to find happiness but I’m terrified of doing it all alone. I don’t know what to do anymore and I have no one to talk to about it because I isolated myself from my friends for himSad

OP posts:
Yellowcakestand · 11/03/2020 22:01

Just go. Contact a DV group and flee. Start your kids lives off without this waste of space. Chin up. Make plans. Do you have family?

TorkTorkBam · 11/03/2020 22:04

Women's Aid will help you.

crystalize · 12/03/2020 08:21

This is awful. Firstly you are not disgusting! a heavily pregnant woman is a beautiful sight to behold.
He has eroded all you self confidence and dignity. Once you get rid of him you can start to rebuild your self esteem and learn to love yourself.
Speak to Womens Aid as soon as possible. Also your midwife.

Do you have any friends/family you can reach out to? Don't be afraid to tell people the truth.

I really hope you can get your daughter and soon to be born child out of their asap by any means, even if it means moving to a refuge. x

CandyFlossSkies · 12/03/2020 08:46

Dear oh dear. What you need to realise, is that except for finances, you already are alone. He gives you nothing. Don't ask him to anything any more unless you absolutely have to. It's probably going to stress you out more not having your expectations met, having to battle for it, and then having to cope with the disappointment. Psychologically distance yourself as much as possible from him. He wants to live as if you're not there at all with the kids, so try to use that to get used to doing more things by yourself. Actually, living with him might be harder than doing things by yourself!!

What kind of freelancing did you used to do? Do you have family that can take the kids for a while?

TigerDater · 12/03/2020 09:10

I’m so sorry. Reach out to your friends though, people can surprise you. What about family?

probablysue · 12/03/2020 09:11

Do you have any family that you can go and stay with?

Sharpandshineyteeth · 12/03/2020 09:17

You are amazing to have got this far throughout this. You’ve handled a pregnancy and looked after a child in the face of horrible abuse.

Imagine what you will be able to do once you’ve recovered post natally. You will get rid of him, you’ll find a way. You are incredible!!!

And then after that you will raise your beautiful children and be happy. Maybe you’ll have a new relationship and be loved and valued as you deserve.

Whatifitallgoesright · 12/03/2020 16:23

Can you try and get back in touch with any old friends.? If you explain how things are if they're decent friends they'll understand why you withdrew. Also ask your health visitor or research local baby groups so that you can start building new networks around you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/03/2020 16:55

No one loves me and no one cares about me

I care about you.

You sound so down. Your words almost made me cry.

You are not trapped. Women's Aid will help you. It might be shit to begin with, but it will get better, I promise.

Do you have a friend you can talk to in real life? Any family? Can you speak to your GP/Health Visitor/Midwife?

Keep talking to us if its helping. We are here.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/03/2020 16:56

Please reach out to your old friends. They are probably worried sick about you.

I had to do this once. Do you know what they said?

"Welcome back."

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