Struggling with single parenthood (100% residency)

[Peanutbuttermouth]

As title says really. I have full residency of my 2 young dc. Their dad has no interest in seeing them. I ask my family for a lot of help and I hate it. I feel I can only really ask for childcare to cover work and not play because it's already so frequent I don't want to take the piss.

I have friends that I do childcare swaps with but I need it far more than they do so again I end up feeling like I can't keep asking.

I'm currently seeing someone and it almost feels like I have no choice but to introduce him to dc earlier than I'd like because we have no real time together. He was meant to be taking me away for my birthday but my childcare arrangement was cancelled last minute. I work full time and I run on my lunch breaks just to maintain a shred of sanity. I have barely any time to myself, the house is permanently a tip and I'm always behind.

Help me wise ones!

No answers but total empathy. Single parenthood is fucking tough.

I’d say don’t worry about the house being a mess - it really doesn’t matter - but if you’re like me, some sense of order helps maintain a shred of sanity. Start small e.g clear a couple of drawers and try not to get overwhelmed.

Look after yourself ..as nobody else will...

Is there any way you could pay for nursery or childminder for some of your childcare needs? That might free up some time for you to see your gentleman friend.

I don't think most people really understand what it's like being the only parent 100% of the time. No one there to take over, no one to bounce ideas off, no one to keep an eye while you're in the shower or washing the dishes or taking the bins out. Organising a haircut for yourself is a military operation and forget going to the gym.

"My husband works such long hours, I'm basically a single parent hahaha" No you're not, you have no idea.

I'm in the same boat. It sucks sometimes. The right person will understand that childcare arrangements will sometimes fall apart and dates will get canceled when that happens. Don't let anyone or any situation pressure you into introducing them to the DC before you are ready.

Thanks for your responses! Cheered me up just to hear from you. Don't get me wrong - I absolutely love being a parent. My dc are ace. Most of the time I don't even mind being a single parent. I relish the freedom I have now in comparison to when I was with their abusive dad. It's just that it's so relentless and I constantly feel like I'm asking for favours and I was so looking forward to my birthday weekend and now it can't happen.

I’m in the same situation but with 4 children. Ex fully absent. I don’t have any family that help though.
For that reason I don’t date as it’s not possible. How long have you been dating? I don’t think it’s a reason to introduce soon because you have no child care though tbh. Think baby sitters are the way to go like pp mentioned

I have been like that for 7 years with no family or friends around but I managed to work , travel , date

All I can say is that if I was friend or family to someone in that position, I would not be expecting equal exchanges of favours. I would more than happily offer more support, hoping that it would be given to me if the tables were turned. Perhaps a frank discussion with some of your friends and family might reassure you that they don’t mind?

I think you need to look outside your family for help. I have also been in this position for 5 years now, and only have the option of paid childcare.

The question of whether you should introduce your boyfriend is a separate question I think. I do agree that the MN position of waiting 18 months or whatever, is not practical if you want to spend time with your bf but still, it's a matter of balance.

The reasons not to introduce the dc early remain the same whether you have childcare or not, don't they?

I would speak honestly with your family in case your feelings of imposing on them are actually mostly in your head and misplaced. Sometimes we don't think we're worthy and actually people genuinely want to help.

I'd also look for a paid babysitter.

The introducing bf to dc was just a throwaway comment really. I'm not doing it yet because I'm not ready.

Paid childcare is something to consider. I'm on a low income (another frustration of being a single mum!) but every now and then I could splash out.

About the possibility of it being in my head - my mum tuts and sighs when I ask for any help above the usual school runs. She says she loves having the kids but generally it's on her terms. If they sleep over I have to collect them by 9am the following morning.

How old are your DCs OP?

The introducing bf to dc was just a throwaway comment really. I'm not doing it yet because I'm not ready.

Why mention it then?

However hard it is, and I appreciate that it is very hard, you don’t make compromises that affect your children for purely selfish reasons. If you don’t get much time with him then that’s a shame but it’s the way it is.

Lots of people actually do resent helping so I agree with you there op. My sister will have my children in an absolute emergency but nothing beyond that.

Can you afford to pay for breakfast club and afterschool club then your mum wouldn't need to to the school run so might be able to have them in the evenings.

It does get easier as they get older. I know it maybe seems like a long way off but the years pass quickly.

However hard it is, and I appreciate that it is very hard, you don’t make compromises that affect your children for purely selfish reasons
Thanks for the life lesson, needed that 👌🏼

Dc are both under 7. I think paid childcare and breakfast/after school club are worth exploring. So far I've thought it was preferable to ask my mum because I felt guilty about putting such little ones into wraparound care on an already long day but I guess plenty of people do it and the kids don't seem to mind.

Sorry I think I sounded overly harsh but growing up with a single mother who had many ‘gentlemen callers’ some of whom appeared and where gone again within days or weeks (and a few who were just ONS who were not hidden from us) I can tell you it leaves a child feeling confused and quite grubby.

Believe me I know gin I've seen it happen. I've been single 2.5 yrs and my dc have never met a bf because I knew none of them would last. This one I'm much more serious about but still not ready for that next step. I was so frustrated last night but this morning feeling more positive.

When I realised my DP was a keeper he would come over when my DSs were in bed. 15 minutes after they would go to bed he would arrive.

It wasn't completely ideal, I would have far rather we had gone out somewhere/didn't have to keep quiet etc, but that's just what we had to do to develop our relationship.

As the above poster said, this time will pass quickly and you sound like you're doing a fantastic job!

I had 18 months if single residency and it was hell. You have my sympathies OP. Look into getting a paid babysitter. Worth their weight in gold and you don't feel guilty because you haven't had to rely on favours

How long have you been seeing him?

I hate the criticism you are receiving about your bf. You sound perfectly sensible about it and you CAN have a boyfriend when you have children. Don’t even defend yourself on this one.

I’ve been a SP for 10 years, I’d say 95% residency.

The best advice I can give you is to get a better paid job. Work hard, be canny and definitely don’t be too modest. With money comes freedom, it’s as simple as that.

If you think you’ve no skills, sales is the way forward. Lots of people hate it so won’t do it and the money can be really really good.

Getting a better paid job has been on my mind lately. I'm in a new-ish job with chance to progress and I certainly will do everything I can to move up, although it'll take some time!

Been seeing bf 3 months. I was thinking of introducing in the summer when we can go to the park etc. Although right now I don't feel like sharing either my bf or my kids! I just want every other friggin weekend like others seem to have 😂

Let it be your mission to get paid more and promoted!

Honestly, the difference it makes is enormous.

Your DC will be proud of you 👍🏼

And you’ll be proud of yourself in years to come

I think after school club seems like the way to go OP - then when your family are desperate to see your DC they can have them over in the evenings/overnights and you can meet your BF without being torn in different directions.

I look at paid childcare like this - I've put my DS in to a setting which I have researched, which has great resources, and staff who are trained and qualified to be with him. Would he have a great time with my family? Probably. Would he be doing hours of well structured, evidence based activities which are age appropriate in a screen and plastic free environment with other kids his age? Nope. Does that buy me more screen time and plastic toy time in the weekends? Absolutely. It also allows me to work knowing he's in the best possible place.