Have a bit of fun or don't touch this with a barge pole?

[Taetoes]

I'm 4 months out of an 11 year relationship with my ex who cheated on me for a year before I found out. I've been getting into the headspace of being alone for the rest of my days after the betrayal, humiliation and hurt I've felt (and still feel daily).

A friend I have known for 10 years confessed his love to me over the weekend, that he has been feeling like that for years and didn't act on it out of respect to me. I've supported him through some personal dark times over the years, although he's always been jokey flirty, nothing has ever happened between us. I always kept my physical distance and tried hard to never lead him on that way. I was so happy and in love with my ex and our children together.

My head is right up my arse, I do like him but I know I'm not ready for another relationship so soon. He said he will wait as long as it takes, it sounds like a classic romantic story huh?!

My friend is a nightmare with flirting and sleeping with multiple women over the years, he's very forthright, people love listening to what he has to say, he's confident, funny, knows his own boundaries, doesn't stand for any shit from anyone... pretty much the opposite of me! He's had mental health issues, substance abuse, gambling addiction, convictions for fighting, episodes of poor health.. also the opposite of me. He has a big heart though, I've seen sides of him where he's been vulnerable and broken. I have been in awe of his strength in bouncing back no matter what life throws at him, he's resilient. He adores the 3 children he has, has walked miles just to see them, he works hard to provide for them, they're his world and that's so admirable.

Just for my own current fragile ego, it's been kind of nice to hear the sweet things he's saying to me.. but I know that I need to be strong and not get suckered into another codependent relationship.

What's my question here, I don't know I'm just trying to get my thoughts in order. I'm trying to understand why I'm attracted to him, so I can learn more about myself (and not continue my life circle of being needy for attention from the 1st smooth talker that I come across, then love bombed, then suckered in, then bled dry of emotion, time and money).

Then I think maybe I could do with a little fun, help get my confidence and self esteem back, we do have a laugh together but I don't want to lead him on either. Welp

I wouldn't.

Keep as a friend but don't touch with a bargepole.

Nope red flags all over it!

No, if he says he'll wait, take him at his word and let him.

Go for it now and you'll ruin the friendship and the possibility that there might be something else when you're ready.

No. Don’t do it.

No. He's just hoping you are desperate for sex and wants to get into your knickers.

God no.

Flattering as it may be, you are not the one woman who can transform him.

not continue my life circle of being needy for attention from the 1st smooth talker that I come across, then love bombed, then suckered in, then bled dry of emotion, time and money You know that this would be another go round of that cycle.

I sincerely doubt your ability to "have a bit of fun" and not end up wounded.

If you're looking for a bit of fun, look for someone else.

no you risk loosing 10 years of friendship
He might well be genuine from what you say not short of random shags so not just trying to get sex .

Some blokes don't need to be short of random shags to still try it on with women they'd be better off leaving alone.

No, no, no, no, no lol I knew it!

He's said he's had his time shagging about and realises he just wants to settle, be happy and enjoy life with someone. I don't want another long term relationship, it's my time to be selfish now, had years and years of looking after men!

You were in a long relationship. I’d give it at least a year to get to know yourself again before you start dating. I’d suggest that friend isn’t the one but a year later who knows where either of you will be. There’s no rush.

Better points aside, he sounds like a fkg disaster area.

I wouldn't go there.

Interesting he's so declared his feelings when you appear vulnerable.

Also I always smile wryly when I see people describe men who are wonderful fathers be cause they'vs fine a,b and c. A,b and c usually being big gestures - while their mothers fk the daily, hard grind and provide all the stability and continuity.

If he wasn't such a mess that he had no reliable transport hd would g be walking in the rain to see his kids.

And arguably if he hadn't been such a mess, his marriage/partnership with his children's mother wouldn't have broken down and he'd be a live in, full-time dad to them. So likewise he wouldn't be having to travel to see them.

All these great "dad's" ... The vast vast majority of women I know would never end a serious relationship or marriage with the father of their child/ren if the man's behaviour was reasonable & decent ..
They end them because they're beyond the end of their tether with his behaviour, and then end up main carer with tonnes more responsibility and ties than him. But if he makes the slightest effort, he's labelled a good dad. If he was a good dad )and partner) the situation wouldnt exist in the first place.

*suddenly declared

He's said he's had his time shagging about and realises he just wants to settle, be happy and enjoy life with someone

Which you can one hundred percent guarantee is the line he used on every woman before you and will do on every woman after you.

it sounds like a classic romantic story huh

Fucking hell, he sounds like a disaster! Fun to have as a friend, but not relationship material when you’re feeling fragile! Get yourself online and find someone new, someone where the fallout will be less explosive when it doesn’t work out!

Also, from experience and observation, true platonic male-female friendships are like hen's teeth.

The way you know they're not true, platonic friendships is that when both are single )or not committed) one party, sometimes both, starts trying to romance and sex the other one.

Which is what he's done.

Sounds like you've been a handy support, a shoulder to cry on etc. And that you're a sexual/romantic prospect now yours single ...
That's not really friendship.

And it tallies with his history of promiscuity/womanising.

*you're

Ah yes, the classic romance.
He's had mental health issues, substance abuse, gambling addiction, convictions for fighting, episodes of poor health..

Every girl's dream man. Swoon.

Are you on glue woman?!

the barge pole

Wouldn't touch it with someone else's barge pole. And the fact that his declaration has come exactly when you're vulnerable suggests he doesn't really care for you at all.

He sounds quite troubled. You know in your heart of hearts whether he is still troubled or has reformed himself. Some very few people do, and in my opinion, the ones who do are something pretty formidable.

Having said that I dont think you should enter any kind of relationship with him right now..give it a year. Take stock. See where you are then..

Red flags aside I think that if you really liked him you'd throw caution to the wind and go for it. The fact your not and are asking on here shows your just not that into him.

So you’ve just come out of a messy breakup and you’re asking us if you should get it together with a promiscuous, violent gambling addict with poor mental and physical health? Right.

I'd leave it for now. You'll know if and when you're ready.

Well take him at his word. He says he will wait right? Make him wait until you're ready. However he buggers off with any woman in that time, it's a no. Don't tell him that of course, just say you need time on your own to get over your ex.

I have known guys wait for women before. They did actually wait though, patiently. They didn't run off with anyone else in the meantime, or push for an answer. They proved themselves to be decent men. Your friend has a flaky past. I doubt he has changed but you never know.