Does this bloke sound a bit self centred? Really minor! OLD

[YellowHighHeels]

I got talking to a guy on OLD about a month ago. Somehow he slipped through my location settings as he lives near my hometown 2 hours away, not in my city.

We get on though and he seems great so we were going to meet anyway this week when he was coming to my city for work.

This was cancelled due to Corona virus and he seems really disappointed so we are looking at alternatives.

Just a couple of points though have made me wonder if he is a bit selfish during the last couple of conversations. Please tell me if I am scrutinising him far too much!

He let me know the visit was cancelled and asked me what I suggested instead. I know it wasn't his fault but I would have said 'sorry that plans have changed' as he was the one who had cancelled, even if not through choice. He didn't, just talked about the inconvenience to him.

He asked if I was planning any visits to my hometown soon. I said yes but not sure when as I will have a funeral to attend, I heard an elderly aunt died yesterday.

He didn't acknowledge this. I mentioned it in a text and briefly when we chatted on the phone and I would definitely have given my condolences had he said it.

Now, my aunt was a lovely 94 year old lady, not extremely close, so it is more that we are sad to see her go than distraught (i didn't tell him any of the details) but still, wouldn't most people briefly acknowledge it if someone mentioned a family loss?

Neither of these things is of any consequence but just struck me as a bit thoughtless, do you think?

It's two hours away - what's stopping him from coming to you anyway? Why does he have to wait until you go home?

And yes, it's bad manners and seems like self-centredness to not say something about your aunt dying.

Can you be bothered? Two hours away means you can't casually see him and getting to know him will usually mean an overnight stay. You might not want that.

I too would have noticed those things and he’s basically showing you who he is.
It wouldn’t bother some people, others wouldn’t even notice but I’m totally with you that I would of noticed his lack of manners and he wouldn’t appeal to me because of this.

Too lazy to meet you, asks you to suggest a new date and shows no empathy for a bereavement. He won't change, meet someone who has the basic social skills.

I think that unless you have longer term plans to return to your home area anyway, I’d just give him a swerve anyway. 2 hours is do-able for a committed relationship where life gets in the way... but it’s too much hassle to start from fresh.

Yeah, it doesn't take much social awareness to say "oh I'm sorry" both about plans falling through and a bereavement. I wouldn't bother, tbh.

He should of said something along the lines of he’s sorry to hear that, hope your ok.

I think he sounds self centred too. Wouldn’t take but a minute to offer condolences and ask how you were.

I’m OLD at minute (spectaculary unsuccessfully it must be said!). If a conversation gets to the point where I tell them I’m widowed, if they then fail to mention that in any way, it’s a big black mark! Ive found it surprising how many men don’t ask reciprocal questions of any kind.

Yeah it's obviously weird isn't it OP, no normal person would dream of hearing someones relative had passed and not offering condolences . Doesn't seem like he is very interested in you as a person or your real life so much as meeting up for 'fun'. He's an opportunist.

2 hours isn't much anyway, I think it says a lot that he is simply interested in what easy opportunities there are to meet and no others, I do think it's all very much of consequence actually OP and wouldn't bother with him. Very sorry about your lovely aunt

Wouldn’t bother with this one.

Thanks DontgoBaconmyheart really kind of you.

I think you're all right. It was quite boorish not to briefly express a bit of sympathy.

He's wanting me to travel half way. Which I wouldn't mind doing but he still has the hotel (just for him, not me!) and train booked. Apparently non refundable but I'm sure the train company would let him change times under the circs. It would make more sense to me to stick with the original plans as far as possible than to meet somewhere we don't know and both have to buy new tickets (it's half way geographically but not on the same line he would use to get here if that makes sense). Plus he was going to see a friend here the next day.

Ellisandra is right. It seems like a logistical pain already.

Fully agree. Zero acknowledgement of your aunt dying= get rid. (my condolances btw 💐)
Also, self-centered. There will be better ones than him.

He’s certainly socially inept. Everyone knows that whining is unattractive and the word funeral must at the very least elicit ‘oh, I’m sorry for your loss’. Sorry to hear that you ain’t has died

Well, he’s no gentleman, that’s for sure.

Thanks for the condolences, all. What a lovely lot!

Yes, I think this isn't a great sign of things to come. He's now on about waiting to meet until I go to my hometown for the funeral. I know from experience that if a long distance relationship is going to work, you both have to grab it with both hands and put the effort in.

He is applying for jobs and has a very 'portable' profession hence thinking it might be worth seeing how it went. He said he would be applying near my city but let me know he threw in for one 4 hours away.

It's his life and we haven't met but I think I might throw him back in the pool so I don't meet him and get emotionally involved.

Yes, don’t meet him or message anymore - he is v clearly not one of the good ones!

V boorish to seek to arrange a date with you in the margins of a family funeral!!

Yeah I'd just leave it. The lack of response regarding your aunt is rude at best and lacking in empathy at worst.

I definitely think you’re overthinking it. If his work trip was cancelled then it’s inconvenient for both of you, not only you, and as it’s not his fault I wouldn’t expect an apology. As for the elderly relatives funeral, I’m not entirely sure if that would register to me either. I would HOPE I’d pick up on it and express condolences, but realistically sometimes when you’re trying to make a plan, you might accidentally overlook the other details of the conversation to focus on the plan. Also I know it’s awful but if you used the words ‘elderly aunt’ ... well, you know how people are about this kind of thing. If someone is elderly and not a close relation it might not register as a huge deal to some people, depending on their own family relationships. I personally think Mumsnet is very picky about behaviour and hence why so many people have a horrible time online dating - small things like this will be deal breakers before the people have even met? Not even giving the other person a chance? Some people don’t communicate well by message too. I don’t know. Clearly I’m against the rest of the posters but I don’t think I’d even register either of these things as issues and I am NOT a laid back person either!

There are some potentially acceptable excuses for each of his actions and suggestions, but collectively they spell "I'm feeling lukewarm and not too bothered about spending time with @YellowHighHeels"...

I'd sit right back and stop focusing on him as a potential mate. Get on with your life and wait and see if anything comes of it.