So I've just heard from my DD that my ex, her father, sent her a message, a couple of years ago, literally the first contact from him in years, that " I've done nothing wrong, I'll always be here for you", on her 18th Birthday. That was it, no other comments. Sounds odd but innocent enough, however the background to this is far from. She is astounded at how much of prat he's been with this statement, and I can totally understand her frustration.
( This must have coincided with the smug letter I received from him at the same time, stating maintenance payments would stop now she's 18....I did laugh, what payments would that be then, the imaginary ones I presume?!)
He was physically and verbally and emotionally abusive and cruel from when she was a week old, and this continued at an age when she was able to understand, and she witnessed some very frightening episodes. This same man, when I "dared" to leave, used child contact issues and maintenance issues to continue to attempt to control and bully, totally oblivious to the effect on his child. A mild example " mummy won't let daddy see you when he wants so I'm not giving you your birthday presents" etc. Counselling, mediation, legal options all refused, despite telling friends, family members and work colleagues that I was using parental alienation etc, but then he wouldn't tell them the truth would he? This daughter he was " desperate" to see he didn't send Birthday or Christmas cards or gifts or letters to, and did everything possible to try and avoid maintenance payments.
When I married a normal decent man it kicked off again, with threats of informing the CSA I was " cohabiting", ( no dear, it's called getting married and has no effect on maintenance payments...) and offensive letters ending in " see you in court"....yes, seriously! I don't know which crime drama/ film he had been watching for inspiration,
but I could only laugh at such a pathetic attempt at intimidation. Needless to say he never took any legal action, I wonder why! He seemed to feel our lack of response to such idiocy as a sign of success on his part, but is obviously oblivious to the fact police were made aware of every incident as we had been advised.
It was explained to him via a neutral professional and solicitors to address his behaviour due to the effect on DD, but he took no notice. Through counselling I had to explain to her some of his past behaviour, although deep down she knew why I had to leave him. She was at the age where she too could see the amusing side of some of it, for example the "accidental" texts to, it turns out, imaginary girlfriends, left on her contact mobile when she was younger, intended to upset me somehow I presume!
I have shielded her from most of the worse abuse and messages as it's of no benefit to distress her further.
She simply cannot understand how he thinks that she would never find out what happened, and does he honestly think the police involvement, and things my parents and neighbours heard and witnessed, and offensive messages, will just disappear? He accused us of faking a police letter once regarding one particularly unpleasant episode!
My DD's boyfriend very occasionally, against my advice, does check his social media presence, mainly as my DD I think is concerned he'll try and turn up somewhere, and I think she told me about the message as recently her boyfriend has seen that he's apparently still posting thinly veiled anti semitic/ anti muslim/ anti immigration views, along with expletive filled irrational rants about late public transport, bigging up thuggish football fan behaviour, and generally trying to be all "blokey", crowing about his new wife ( including as subtle as a sledgehammer comparisons!) and their semi celebrity " friends" and some very immature bragging about celebrity restaurants etc, with the odd very strange contradictory patriotic or charitable endeavour, and amazing new baby etc, so clearly hasn't changed she's able to see! She used the term " cowardly, lying bully" and that seems pretty accurate! She was also able to have a giggle at the poor grammar and spelling mistakes! She's actually feeling quite sorry for him, as he just cant see how much he's embarassing himself with his behaviour and remarks over the years.
She is irritated at why he has treated her like an idiot and with no regard to her wishes whatsoever.
Through independent counselling my DD made her own decisions regarding contact, which she didn't want. She feels sorry for his new partner, as he's naturally lied to her, we even had someone claiming to be his girlfriend turn up creating about contact, but this lady absolutely was not the lady he was/ is married to! But then he was unfaithful to me so I'm not surprised. I just hope she doesn't experience the same, or his other child, but the truth usually comes out in the end. I recognise he's a total narcissist so there's absolutely no logic in dealing with that kind of personality, and I think my DD can see that too.
Luckily my husband is what I'd call a real man, and I don't mean that in a politically incorrect macho way, but that he's kind, fair, honest, loyal, emotionally strong, supportive, loves my DD as his own, and has cared for her, provided for financially and emotionally without question, protected her, and helped pick up the pieces from a really not great early childhood. It's only natural my DD will be inquisitive and irritated at times about this, but she luckily has a really good happy life, as do I. Like all parents I've wanted her to have the best life possible, and obviously left her father for that reason, and hate to see how upset she's been in the past, and the odd blip she has, like now. Sadly I think she'll have the odd moment/ wobble every now and then. I tend to not waste my time even thinking about him but I wish I could help her avoid these moments.
I'm sure unfortunately I'm not the only parent to have/ be experiencing this.
And all ",bias" aside, he continues to prove he really is a prat!