Victim mentality in my SIL

[Beeperbird]

I believe my SIL has victim mentality.
Every up / down twist & turn in her emotions is someone else’s fault. It feels like she needs to be the victim in every situation, to the point where you can hardly have a simple conversation about anything without her being hurt. You can’t tell her she’s being silly as that makes her more hurt. You cant disagree in any way as that makes her more hurt.
Her life has in the past been so so hard so I really feel for her, but she’s pushing us away.

Her. “I can babysit your boys?” Me: “thanks for the offer” and then I forget and don’t come back to her
(she’s upset as she assumes I don’t think she’s capable of looking after my children)

My husband : oh I’m not sure what to do today
Her: silent
(She spends the rest of the day fuming as he didn’t directly ask her if she’s free therefore he’s inconsiderate and unloving)

Her: “Are you free on the Xth to celebrate my daughters birthday?”
Us: “Ah sorry we’re busy, but could do the day after?”
(She’s angry we are putting other plans before her daughter and therefore don’t love her)

We are just knackered from it, every time she is not put first we are apparently damaging her mental health. We love her, but we just don’t know what to do anymore. It’s affecting our and our boys lives negatively now.
I’ve snapped in the past at her - trying to say how frustrated I am, how actually I love her but I put my children first, but that just makes everything worse.

Any thoughts on how we can help her? Maybe we could pay for counselling but I’m sure she would see that negatively too

I think it's very hard to help someone who is so negative.

I think I'd be tempted to just ignore her when she is being like that. You shouldn't have to mollycoddle an adult so much and it sounds like she is determined to be unhappy so any effort on your part is going to be a waste anyway.

You've said yourself that you try to explain your true feelings but she just ignores you and decides to be hurt anyway. What can you do?

CBT might help but does she want to change. If she doesn't then nothing will work

From experience, there’s really nothing you can do about it. If she doesn’t see a problem with the way she is, she’ll never change.

If it’s negatively affecting yours and your children’s lives, you need to take a step back from her. I know how hard that can be with family, especially when you only want to help and support the person, but some people can’t be helped and supported until they realise their actions are the problem.

Having a victim mentality is addictive, it sheds you of any responsibility for your own life. It removes the burden of you having to make things better for yourself.

Ignoring her drama is best.
She thinks this behaviour works for her, so will continue on her path.

She won't consider changing while she is having her drama fed.

When she feels it no longer gets her what she wants, she may adapt.

Either way OP, it's ridiculous of you to allow it to impact you and your children. You DO have control over that.

It sounds as if your lives are too entwined.

Pull back from her and her drama.
Good luck.

I don't think she realises where the problem lies. Its been like this for years. She'll often say oh I'm only like this as I'm so down at the moment but that will happen every month maybe.
I think it must be an ingrained thing, but we really want to help her - but without it taking over our lives

Also, we are apparently damaging her mental health. this isn’t true. You are not damaging her mental health and her mental health will never improve until she takes responsibility for it.

Yep @billy1966 I agree that we've let this affect us too long / too much. I need to prioritize my children

I’ve got a couple of friends like this. They have to pay a big bill...it’s always not their fault. They have to pay a fine...not their fault, someone does something to them...they are the victim. It’s tiring. I just gently disengage.

Some people are really lucky, and wise....they spot this behaviour and even though they are young they just don't go there.

It took me a bit longer than that to realise these people are primarily self absorbed and exhausting.

When the penny DID drop...think late 30's I just pulled back from those who exhibited those tendencies.

I found it cathartic and freeing.

Now anyone I find exhausting doesn't see me for dust.

All relationships I invest in, simply have to be two way.....the joy's of getting older

You say that this happens monthly, could it be cycle related? Needing more assurance that she is loved?

I would always be upbeat and positive, if declining meet ups always offer an alternative.

I don't think she realises where the problem lies. Its been like this for years. She'll often say oh I'm only like this as I'm so down at the moment but that will happen every month maybe

Of course she knows what she's like - she just doesn't care how her behavior affects others!
She knows what her 'problem' is - she's not the centre of the universe like she wants to be....and she wants to constantly be the centre of attention.
She's like this because all her life she has been pandered to and nobody has pulled her up on it....like you they're too afraid to 'upset' her.

One of my siblings is like this....i just stopped engaging with her eventually....cos the conversation went dead when i refused to play that game and ignored her whining.
She then got married...and now has a sister in law who is exactly like this!
I thought maybe they would get on like a house on fire being so alike - alas that isn't the case