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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why do I feel this way?

6 replies

Herewegoagain19891 · 11/03/2020 11:02

After my first directions hearing after applying for a child arrangements order against my abusive ex I’m feeling sad and also there’s a
Lot of guilt and I’m not too sure why.

I had many safe guarding concerns and because he has continuously tried to control and manipulate me I wanted to go through the courts. He admitted to some of the incidents I informed to courts on but said I over exaggerated them. He has a solicitor and I’m self repping, he refused to let my McKenzie friend in but this decision was only to be made by the judge and also ensured to bring his parents along (could just feel his mum staring at me). Because there haven’t been any safeguarding checks the judge said she couldn’t do any interim orders so we agreed to supervised contact, half paid by me until the next hearing. Initially this was going to be every week, as suggested by myself, but once I said that his parents could attend but not get involved with the practical care he dropped this to eow.

Deep down I think I know he doesn’t care, he already has already filed a prohibited steps order, I know it’s all about control.. but I still feel sad and guilty. Not sure why, I don’t know if it’s because I couldn’t imagine seeing dd eow, I also think deep down I still care for my ex too even though I hate him for what he’s done to dd and I. Still it all sucks. Not even sure what I’m looking for, maybe someone who has been through the same that can tell me this will pass. Or that I’m not crazy for feeling this way.

OP posts:
Flipflop50 · 11/03/2020 13:24

This was me 4 years ago and yes it does get better. I can’t even remember who said it but it went something like you feel like this because you are a good person and he is your children’s father. You are comparing using your feels as a guide and that’s the problem. Your feeling are child focused and his are not.

Herewegoagain19891 · 11/03/2020 13:31

Bump

OP posts:
Herewegoagain19891 · 11/03/2020 20:16

@Flipflop50, I really do hope it passes. On top of those feelings is also the worry of having to speak to Cafcass, they couldn’t do safe guarding before the first hearing, and all the negative things I’ve read on them.

OP posts:
lostguy92 · 11/03/2020 21:59

its natural to have feelings for an ex, let alone a ex that you share a baby with. keep doing what your doing, cafcass will make sure things are in check, but at the same time remember the dads feelings, he wants to see his child, and im sure he would never bring harm their way. all the best :)

Herewegoagain19891 · 11/03/2020 22:43

@lostguy92 there is a history of abuse against dd and I. @Flipflop50 is right I’m projecting my feelings of being focussed on dd on my ex when all he has done is harassed me. I know it’s a game for him yet I still feel this way.

OP posts:
Flipflop50 · 12/03/2020 09:39

It’s a control game (another one)

Cafcass be as open and honest as you can be. Now for the hard bit stop defending your ex! Read the report carefully and contact them if they have quoted you in correctly. They should be no reason your McKenzie friend can be with you as he has a solicitor.

Have you checked if you can get legal aid.

Two things you have mention abuse, give cafcass the details including where your child was at the time.

Also refresh their memory that he did want your child every week because he could cope with it without his mother.

Sorry if the last two point are a shock

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