After my first directions hearing after applying for a child arrangements order against my abusive ex I’m feeling sad and also there’s a
Lot of guilt and I’m not too sure why.
I had many safe guarding concerns and because he has continuously tried to control and manipulate me I wanted to go through the courts. He admitted to some of the incidents I informed to courts on but said I over exaggerated them. He has a solicitor and I’m self repping, he refused to let my McKenzie friend in but this decision was only to be made by the judge and also ensured to bring his parents along (could just feel his mum staring at me). Because there haven’t been any safeguarding checks the judge said she couldn’t do any interim orders so we agreed to supervised contact, half paid by me until the next hearing. Initially this was going to be every week, as suggested by myself, but once I said that his parents could attend but not get involved with the practical care he dropped this to eow.
Deep down I think I know he doesn’t care, he already has already filed a prohibited steps order, I know it’s all about control.. but I still feel sad and guilty. Not sure why, I don’t know if it’s because I couldn’t imagine seeing dd eow, I also think deep down I still care for my ex too even though I hate him for what he’s done to dd and I. Still it all sucks. Not even sure what I’m looking for, maybe someone who has been through the same that can tell me this will pass. Or that I’m not crazy for feeling this way.