Midlife CRISIS

[lovefrox]

Apologies- I first joined this group about 17 years ago when DC were babies. Having worked full time all this time, with a very responsible professional career I have supported DH through a year of unemployment and various hair-brained projects he was desperate to do against my better judgement.
18 months ago DH shattered my world saying he was very unhappy and believed it to be the marriage. Monthly relationship counselling since then has culminated in his decision ( still desperately unhappy) to “try” living on his own, has rented a flat ( sod the expense!!) and is about to embark on a “ trial separation” . The relationship has remained very amicable throughout. From the outside we are the “ perfect couple”!!
We break the news to the oblivious DC tonight.
I have gone along with this because I still love him ( and he me), and i think he needs this to prompt some “Eureka “moment to get us out of this deadlock we have fallen into. I have made it clear that after 6 months, the “ trial period” must end with some clear joint decision.
I have been reading various threads which interface with this problem, but am wondering if anyone has had a similar experience and would share their thoughts or helpful resources?

I think that sometimes people get to a point that they feel they need space in their head and life and it can be hard to get whilst married/partnered. It doesn’t necessarily mean shagging around etc. Space to go to bed when you want, watch what you want, eat when and what you want, go away for a weekend when you want, work all hours if you want, invite friends around etc. Yes I agree in some marriages this still happens, in most it just doesn’t and single people just take all this for granted. Personally I think it’s a good idea and if the marriage is meant to be it will reconvene. If they are off shagging anything with a pulse 2 weeks after moving out, then you know it’s teally freedom to move on they wanted answers just trying to be nice about it.

I feel for you. I am you in this scenario and DH is the one with (what seems to me) a pretty easy life. While I put up with being the main breadwinner, the taker outer, the planner and the instigator of virtually everything we do he tends to be the mopey one. He hasn't wanted to leave or anything drastic as yet but, although I love him greatly and would not want to break up the family, I might just let him if he did. It all seems very unfair.

Hold on...I hope you aren't paying for his flat for his 6 months of thinking time? I presume he now has his own income to pay for this period of navel gazing?

I've known of a few couple friends try this - always the bloody man who needs to 'try living on their own' - sorry to say it just ended up in divorce in both cases. Whilst I agree with @tarasmalatarocks that sometimes people need that space, I just think it is a step out of the marriage/relationship already. If he needs a break/space, then go off on holiday for a few weeks. Moving out for a 'trial separation' is often the death knell.

Thanks all for your thoughts-
Told DC this evening, DH leaves on the weekend. Flat funded jointly ( as per house mortgage) .

You're paying for a flat he's most likely gonna be fucking other women in?!

Why would you do that?

But it isn't going to be a joint decision? He's going to decide what he wants after 6 months.

You're effectively doing the pick me dance I think.

Sorry OP, I know it's not easy. My situation wasn't quite the same because DH didn't move out, but I did stay in a dying marriage too long trying to make it work, and it's one of my biggest regrets. We were all (including the children) in limbo.

What is going to be different after 6 months, apart from the fact that you will have seen less of each other?

I'd guess he is waiting to see the OW's reaction when he is "single"; whether she leaves her husband, or whatever it is that's making him afraid that if he leaves you he will be totally alone.

What else happened about 2 years ago? Big life event? New office?

I really feel for you. So much uncertainty, going on for so long. I don’t think I could tolerate this, he’d have to be ‘in’ or ‘out’.
Before he leaves, make your position clear - eg no extra marital relationships - don’t give him any room for excuses - ‘we were on a break’.
As things stand, plan for a future without him.