Dating someone with anxiety

[Claire926]

I have met a kind man who I get on well with. He has anxiety and social anxiety but does not come across like this in my presence. I have had an anxiety in the past so I know what it is like. People have said don't get involved with him for having anxiety. I don't mind dating someone who was anxious but I don't know how I could deal with someone who was severe if I was constantly having to reassure someone. I don't know how much it affects his life. Should I try and date him or meet someone else?

I tried and ultimately failed. At the start it was ok but after 4 months his anxiety won. He was jealous and insecure and I couldn’t handle it any more. We split after around 6 months.

Give him a chance. Put measures in place if you can to help any insecurities he has. Communication is key for couples with anxiety issues, it helps get through or eradicate them.

It depends. I'd say a large proportion of society self diagnose with anxiety these days. It really depends on its severity and how much it affects his life.

Op I think as long as HE is actively trying to help himself a solid relationship can be possible.

Honestly, I’d let this one go because by the time you realise how his anxiety manifests and how it affects you both you’ll have likely caught feelings and feel like you can’t end it for that reason. But then I think far too many people self-diagnose with “anxiety” when what they actually are is insecure and I’ve seen far too many friends stuck with men and women who use “anxiety” as an excuse for being controlling and possessive and having to completely adjust everything they do so as not to “trigger” the “anxiety”.

I understand that this isn’t necessarily kind and understanding of mental health problems but it’s one thing to support someone you love and have been with a long time through a mental health problem and quite another to hitch your star to a stranger whose behaviour you have no idea of.

Give him a chance OP. If you like him, dont write him off because of this. Anxiety is a fucker, yes, but in the right relationship it can be quietened and doesnt have to be a deal breaker.

I think it depends on your currently life situation.
My life is mad and hectic and there is no way I would have the time or headspace for someone like this.
But you may not be in that situation.
If you really like him then it might be worth a try if you nothing else going on.
But I'd say you need to be very clear about your boundaries.
As soon as they are pushed even a little bit, you need to end things.
Are you OK with ending relationships?

My DP has social anxiety and low self esteem. It can be hard and a little frustrating at times. He doesn't like large crowds so persuading him to accompany me to an event or party can be difficult. I ask twice if he wants to come, reassure him both times that he'll be fine and if he says no the second time then I accept it and let it go.
He spends a while every morning getting ready, making sure his hair looks okay, his clothes aren't creased etc. I do this too but for him it matters just that little bit more to look a certain way.
My DP is completely relaxed at home, he feels safe and happy in his skin which is wonderful but when outside of the house his whole demeanor changes. He walks differently and presents himself differently, very tense and many people that think they know him all think he's an uptight, very serious individual which is simply not the case, he's actually a very funny, weird and wonderful and loving person. This also means he struggles to make new friends and meet new people. It saddens me that he doesn't give people the opportunity to get to know the real him.
There's no reason for you not to give things a go with this man but take it slow and see how the relationship develops. Good luck OP

I saw him over the weekend as he came to a walking group. He did not know I was there and he looked so nervous when he was meeting everyone but he relaxed as soon as he saw I was there. I'm guessing he has social anxiety as I have heard him mention social anxiety before when it is not in relation to the conversations people are having.

He also goes to my work and today he was supposed to go into the office and when he saw how busy it was he walked out of the building because of the corona virus fears and went home. On the walk he was talking to me and he had gone to extreme measures about the corona virus this was before today's government announcement. I am sure everyone is concerned but I'm thinking if I date someone I need to know they can be resilient.

At the end of the walk he smiled and winked when saying goodbye. He is such a nice guy but I don't know if these are one off situations with meeting new people and the corona virus as he has never been like this before and always came across as confident.

I couldn't start a relationship with someone who had anxiety. I would be completely the wrong person for them and visa versa.

It comes down to knowing yourself at the end of the day.

The relationship 'red flags' youre choosing to overlook now, will be the reason you break up later.

I dont mean to sound harsh, im not suggesting he is doing anything other than being himself, but you have to consider whether youre happy with a "project" type relationship with a "fixer-upper" where he may not be there for you when you really need him and he set his anxiety stall out early, so youll have no legs to stand on in an arguement where you feel unsupported but continually supporting and allowing for his ishooes. Been there, done that, burnt the t-shirt.

@WhereDidAllTheFunGo The relationship 'red flags' youre choosing to overlook now, will be the reason you break up later.

What you have said is exactly what I am thinking. I had a traumatic incident in my life which I had stress and anxiety - I'm over that now and no longer anxious. I don't want to go back down that road again. I certainly do not want to play the role of being a rescuer or fixer as only he can sort himself out and it's not my job. I might as well be single than have a partner who cannot support me or himself.

Stay just good friends.

Sorry OP I couldn't do it.

Selfish as it is, I don't want to be constantly checking someone is OK or having to change my life to suit their anxiety.

If he is aware of having anxiety (is he even diagnosed?) then he should be focusing on himself and not a relationship. It is arguably more selfish for him to pursue a relationship with someone than your reluctance to deal with his anxiety.

Does he have anxiety? It’s hard to tell from the corona virus - less than week ago one of my friends cancelled on a party invitation because it was at a soft play and I thought that was an over reaction but two days later the government shut the schools down and I felt like I’d been under reacting... I’m not trying to panic people about covid-19 (there’s enough threads for that) just that with so much uncertainty it’s hard to know how to behave/what precautions are ott and what are normal. I’ve seen normally anxious people be quite blasé and normally calm people deeply concerned so I wouldn’t take his reaction to covid as a good base line

To me it would depend on whether you were expected to adapt your behavior/tolerate poor behaviour from him because of his anxiety. THat would be a huge red flag. If it was just part of his personality that he was aware of and managed himself then that’s fine. (For example, him looking a bit shy/nervous before he saw you- fine, him expecting you to always arrive before him to avoid him being alone - not fine).

And I say that as someone with anxiety, I think someone who DID want to play the rescuer would be unhealthy for both parties

Anxiety does not lead to jealousy and insecurity!

They are completely separate.

Using anxiety as an excuse for bad or controlling behaviour is not on.

Funny, loads of posters say they have anxiety, yet people are being very negative to this bloke. Would you say the same to a woman who said she was anxious? 'Oh, you'll never get a bloke, you're too much hard work'?

Op, I would stay friends at the mo and see how things go. Might just be the coronavirus making him anxious, or it might be more.

I don’t buy fixer-upper houses, and I don’t need anyone in my life who isn’t resilient, socially confident and secure. I’ve seen what happens to the women who marry these men — they live ridiculously curtailed lives, as do their children, often. And as @WhereDidAllTheFunGo says, they have the ‘It’s my anxiety’ line ready to go in all circumstances, as a potential alibi for some shitty, thoughtless, lazy behaviour.

I know someone whose self-diagnosed anxiety means he can’t ever take the children to their swimming lesson on Saturday morning, or be ‘left in charge’ of his own children for more than an hour or too, who can’t cope with them having friends over and has to retreat upstairs to his computer room lest someone require a ‘hello’ from him.

I would say exactly the same to a woman, @tenlittlecygnets. The only difference being is that women are still socialised to believe they can and should be rescuers — kissing the frog, marrying the Beast etc.

People of either sex need to manage their own MH. If the OP barely knows this man, and he’s already made her very aware of his anxiety, he’s clearly not in a position to date.

Honestly, stay friends. And get to know him better before diving in.

I have to be truthful and say I wouldn't have the headspace to deal with someone so needy.

I wouldn't. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I just wouldn't. It is so hard to live with!

A few years ago I had an on off thing for a while with a guy with anxiety. It was ok when I was in good mental health and with high self-esteem because I could rationalise that his behaviour wasn't connected to me. But when I was stressed, or a bit down, his 'quirks' like suddenly not wanting to meet up or not replying to my messages because he was too anxious to face the world felt really personal. I also felt like his mother sometimes, checking he was ok and trying to fix him. I wouldn't do it again.

Tenlittlecygnets - that’s how I feel but you said it better. I think cronovolo might have some point though in her last post, two people in a relationship with anxiety might not be the best match since they could end up feeding each other’s insecurities

He didn't know I was going on the walk so that in itself he wasn't using me as a crutch. Maybe I should just be friends with him and see how he behaves once this pandemic has all reduced. I certainly don't want to mother him.