I can't see a furture for my marriage. How do I start the conversation?

[mystique76]

I posted around 6 months ago when things were really bad with my husband. He suffers from depression ( has done for many years) and it played out as him being pretty awful to live with for me and our children, and I felt he was insulting, controlling and manipulative. I didn't feel like I could start the conversation about his behaviour or our future at that point as (a): I was worried he was suicidal and (b): I had to work abroad for a month in Feb and couldn't leave the children dealing with repercussions whilst I was away. In the new year he sort of announced "I'm back now and okay" like nothing has happened - but I am not. I feel like I have run out of energy for our relationship (and to go through another round of his depression which I have been dealing with for around 18 years). He doesn't work (and doesn't want to), doesn't like going out (unless it is alone/in nature), doesn't want people to come to our house. He would like it to be just me and him and I feel totally suffocated. He tells me literally dozens of times a day that he loves me and I am beautiful but this freaks me out and it is definitely used to manipulate me saying things like "why are you going out tonight, I want you here with me...… ( I work one or 2 nights a week and see friends maybe once or twice a month). I have my own business and do my own things and am really happy in this aspect of my life and with my relationship and time with the kids. Because life is busy I can just plow on in a day to day way. But it will only be a few years until the children are all living their own lives and I dread the future. I don't think anything we want is the same. I need to have a conversation about this but I am terrified to start it - he will be devastated but he can be really nasty sometimes, or my other fear is that he will be suicidal again. I think he knows something isn't right but he pops comments into a conversation in a time and place that can't be discussed and it a way that makes it sound like a joke. I can't say I don't love him at all because there are sparks still there sometime, but most of the time I am not happy. I don't know how to deal with this. I am a very confident person but hate confrontation, but am feeling like I am living in a panic state around this. My kids have lived with his moods, and I think my daughter would understand completely if we split, and not be that affected but I think my son would - he is a teenager needing his dad. I feel so conflicted....

OP, there’s a lot in that post. Firstly, you have your own business and kids, so contact a solicitor for practical advice, figure out where you & children will live - can you ask him to go etc?

Get those ducks in a row. Then take a deep breath, sit him down , and say ‘ I am leaving this marriage’ or similar.

His depression is a sad fact of life, but it’s not up to you to sacrifice your life to this. If he has anyone else close, once you’ve told him, tell them.
Life is short - try to be happy in it.

Ok firstly you say your son is a teenager needing his dad. He will still have that if you split. He will still be his parent and in his life. Your kids are old enough now that he can manage his own relationship with them. I think you need to have worked out the logistics in your own head. Where will you live? Can you rent an apartment so that you have somewhere else to move to immediately. You have the right to be happy and you don’t have to carry on with this man if he’s not making you happy

Many abusive men use depression as a cover or further excuse to be able to abuse their chosen targets. They often use the perceived threat of suicide to keep them in line too. He knows all too well that you hate confrontation; that is also one of many characteristics that attracted him to you. You were targeted by this individual and deliberately so. He won't be devastated so much as angry and obstructive when you have finally decided to leave him; he will then have to put in the work to find another woman to look after him and otherwise mistreat.

Seek legal advice for your own self and start putting firm plans in place to end your marriage. He won't make it easy for you to leave him and will likely be as obstructive as possible as "punishment" to you for you having the gall in his eyes to actually leave him. Make the break now, certainly not in a few years time and besides which they may well not leave home permanently then. Your children will not say thanks mum to you for staying with him. They could well accuse you of being weak and even worse putting him before them.

Your marriage is over anyway due to the abuses he has and continues to mete out to you and in turn your kids. He will merely continue to give you spaghetti head and otherwise tie you up in knots.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really the model you want them to potentially be emulating as adults; no it is not. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. Does your teenage son need such a father in his life, no because he is also seeing you as his mum being abused.

Please engage the services of Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations. It would also be a good idea also for you to enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid and to read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

So your DS needs a depressed, reclusive, suicidal male role model???
OK then...
As a PP says, he will still have a dad.
You may find he will breath a huge sigh of relief when he no longer needs to walk on eggshells in his own home!?
You know what to do OP.
And you sound strong enough!
You don't need to rush this.
Take your time.
Would he agree to relate counselling?
They can help you split amicably!?
Worth a shot maybe?

Oh he is just like a bloody tick! You need to see a solicitor and get rid! This man is like a dementor!!!

Everything Attila said! Very well put and my thoughts exactly.

"Darling, I'm not like you. I know it's hard for you to get your head round, but I get my energy from other people, from crowds and from being in different places. It's nothing to do with how much we love each other and it's Not A Moral Issue."

Of course, it probably wouldn't work. But it's the first attempt.

(and yeah, suicide threats are low)

I agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat. This man has you exactly where he wants you. Tbh I don't know how you've lasted this long. You know that depression isn't an excuse for behaviour like that.