Feeling unworthy of a relationship because of my health

[FeelingUnworthy]

I'm in my 20's and have a few "invisible" health conditions which I don't want to disclose here because it may be an outing.

It means that I spend a lot of time resting and am not fully able to do things that other people my age can do. I still manage to work a desk job but just in general have pretty poor health. One of my conditions also has the potential to affect my fertility.

I have been single for a year now. My last relationship lasted 5 years and was crushed when it ended. My health declined during the relationship and there's no doubt in my mind that this was a contributing factor to it ending.

I recently signed up to dating apps because I'd love to have a partner and I'm tired of being alone all the time. Everyone on there seems spontaneous and adventurous. I'd love to travel obviously, but I simply can't without a lot of planning and consideration. I've spoken and got on with a couple of people on the apps but back out as soon as they ask to meet up.

There is also one person I work with that I have a bit of a crush on and I recently felt like it might be reciprocated. My health problems aren't blaringly obvious so it's not like they may be attracted to me knowing my full situation. I just think as soon as I be honest about things they would run a mile and I would be absolutely crushed so I just run a mile instead.

I just feel like I'd be such a burden to someone. I'm scared to meet someone and let them down because of my health conditions. I feel like I can't offer them anything and I'd just be detrimental to their lives.

I'm getting very sad about all this and I'm not sure what to do. It makes me feel like I should just accept that I'm probably just going to be alone for the rest of my life.

OP that's really sad you have put this on yourself and you really shouldn't. If someone likes you they like you warts and all as you will them. Do you think the other person you meet will be perfect? They most certainly won't be. Please don't give up, you are deserving of love and to find it x

Sorry you're feeling so low. Are you getting any support mental health-wise? It might be a good idea to go to your GP about it and also to join any support groups relevant to your condition, if you haven't already?

I think you have to value yourself more and maybe come to terms with your health problems a bit more (I know that's easy to say). You are worthy of a good and happy relationship, and if you're feeling so low about yourself, I'd be concerned you'd tolerate poor behaviour.

A bloke who runs a mile is a bullet dodged and is not worthy of you, not the other way round.

Thank you for your kind messages. No I'm not receiving any treatment mental health wise. I'm not even sure what to say to my GP about it. I just feel like a bit of an idiot really.

That sounds like a really painful place to be.

Are you under a hospital team for any of your health issues? There are often clinical health psychology teams you can be referred to if you're struggling like you are with the implications for your life of chronic health conditions. Or you could ask your GP about whether there is such a service locally as their work might be better suited to your needs.

OP, so, so many people are dealing with something either physically or mentally. You are worthy of a relationship, please don't read too much into what people put in their profiles.

Is there anything you can do alongside online dating - and well done for starting that - that's gentle? An holistic yoga class, meditation, swimming, a walk in the park...? Something where you can meet other people; even finding a nice cafe you can have a coffee in and read a book for an hour or so. Go and sit near someone nice and ask them to pass the sugar.

OP, you are worthy of a relationship, please don't let your illness hold you back. You have a lot going for you, there are just a few restrictions on what you can do. Also, people don't need to be exactly the same to click and get on. I travel a lot but I do it by myself and hate travelling with other people. I'd also run screaming from someone whose idea of a good night is 'a nice bottle of wine and a DVD on the sofa'. No thanks but for someone else, that's their idea of bliss.

Plenty of people want a quiet life and are just looking for someone who 'gets them' OP. They don't want a bungee jumping super model.

And see how it goes with the bloke at work, he might like you too.

You could say something like "I'm struggling with low mood and feeling like I can only be a burden, and my fears and low mood are stopping me from living the life I want, almost as much as my health conditions do - please can you signpost me to support".

Are you part of a support group? I know that sounds daft but its might be good to be able to openly speak to a group about you're concerns and also share how others have dealt with similar issues. Dont think because of you're illness it will hold you back it wont. I went out with a lad who had osteosacoma as a teenager which left him with a limited movement,ultimately we broke up but it was his decision it didnt affect if I dated him or not. My nephew has Cystic Fibrosis and I know sil worries about the future and partners but a lad who has the same condition got married last year.

I never really considered asking for help mentally. I'm at the GPs fairly often which I also really struggle with because I feel guilty about it, like I'm in my 20's and shouldn't be using the NHS so much, to the point that when I need to seek medical attention I don't because I worry about doctors to be thinking "not her again".

I am a part of support groups for one of my conditions. It is nice to speak to other people going through similar things especially because I don't get out the house that much. I'm on my own a lot. I'm in a house share in London and I tend to spend most of my time in my room and don't venture out with my other housemates. I'm not really enjoying life at the moment.

Again thank you so much for the kind comments and suggestions.

You don't need to feel guilty, you are as deserving of help as anyone. It's not fair that you're having to deal with this so young.

Do try to get out of your room and see people when you can.

It sounds like you're finding things hard. Just say to your GP that you feel down- if you want to then discuss anything that's on your mind. They'll ask you questions, so you won't particularly need to think up stuff to say. xxx

Most people with illnesses/disabilities still have partners.

Personally I like a very low-impact lifestyle, so a partner who takes life at a relaxed pace suits me.

Ignore all the stuff about travel, the gym etc on OLD sites- so many people seem to think they need to all pretend to be the same type of person. I found Tinder profiles were worse for that- on Plenty of Fish there's a bit more of a variety of profiles. I've not tried any others.

As to the work colleague- that's worth following up on.

IDK if maybe it would help you to write down a list of your positive qualities? Here's a long list to give you some ideas ideonomy.mit.edu/essays/traits.html

It did help me when I made a thread on here about something- everyone is so supportive.

I have a disability and am unable to work, but it doesn't define me, what defines me if anything is the efforts I've made to improve my health etc- also other positive qualities, of which I have one or two.

Think of all the other things there are about you as well as your health. For instance from your post you perhaps come across as intelligent, articulate, deep, warm, considerate and more. Your health will've meant you have an awareness of life in a way that others your age don't, and you may appreciate a lot of things that they take for granted.

A decent person won't mind, and everyone gets ill sometimes/eventually anyway xxx

I can't advise on the dating as such OP, as I'm not sure what the answer is. I have been with my DP 13 years (am 31) and it doesn't phase him nor does he apportion blame or resentment. I currently am unable work, which I hate, and havent for some time and he supports this. on a bad day (which are most of them) I need help with an awful lot and struggle to go out alone.

Enjoying life is difficult, and the fact it is a bit taboo to say that is neither here nor there, I very often DO enjoy all sorts but I've definitely found myself to have become incredible insular and lacking in confidence since my health has deteriorated as I've struggled to navigate what is an essentially entirely new existence with very little help available.

Invisible illness is such a strange experience and I feel how you do about dating, about making friends. I no longer really have any IRL, certainly none see I often and none who get it, plenty who have had hurtful or ignorant opinions or who take offence to how unreliable being ill makes a person (quite reasonably in a way, I suppose). It always feels like an extra punishment to feel so ill all the time and then endure social stigma on top of it. Equally it is hard fitting in with your peers when your day involves minute victories, your medication regime etc- hardly the status quo foe our age group is it

I'm happy to out my conditions- EDS, POTS, tens of other conditions caused by complications of the above, I am mostly housebound so if I became single I would certainly struggle and have considered it a lot. All you can do is put yourself out there and hope that the right person will turn up, and see you, brilliant as you are, with the illness as a hurdle that can be worked on together.

I know it sounds trite but you need to love yourself before you embark on another relationship. Your feelings of unworthiness makes you more susceptible to attracting a man who will treat you poorly, you admit that your last relationship had a negative impact on your health.

Now is the time to start taking positive steps to improving your self confidence. Instead of focusing on all the things you can’t do, try focusing all the things you can.

I have poor vision and an ex remarked that my inability to drive (dus not having a life skill) contributed to him thinking of me as not quite an adult. Well, I have traveled round the world solo twice and value my independence. I made it very clear that I wasn’t going to apologise for having poor vision and he was always free to be with someone with a driving license. He quickly backtracked but looking back it was one of many things that he said that supposedly made him appear better than me. I have my own confidence issues but someone seeing me as less than, I didn’t have time for.

In the end it made me realise that he was unworthy, not the other way round.

Never apologise for who you are, your perceived weaknesses are also your strengths and make you you.

OP try OK Cupid. I noticed that there were a higher proportion of guys there who were open about health conditions, being in a wheelchair for example. I'm not saying you should only date a guy who also has health issues but the environment there seems more open to it compared to others I've tried such as POF or Bumble.

@FeelingUnworthy gosh I am so sorry to hear this.

I'm sure it won't help much but fwiw my dp has health problems that limit his energy, travel, etc. He has to sleep more than me and at different times, he has dietary requirements, sudden bodily needs that he can't plan for and that can make outings stressful for him, etc.

I had no idea of any of this when we started dating and it was only over time that I realized what was going on.

It is absolutely mortifying for him, he is a independent, stoic person who hates asking for help. And he also has experienced enormous loneliness over it. Everything you say, I can hear echoes of what he has said to me about his experience as a chronically ill person. Again. I know that doesn't help directly. But maybe it helps to know that invisible illness tends to affect folk in predictable ways - this isn't a "you" problem, it's part of being ill and how our society reacts to illness.

In terms of me and DP. We are happy together. I am an extremely healthy person in general, but I have needs of my own as well, which he accommodates, it's part of how we express love to each other. Our lives have a slightly different texture compared to other people's - we have more naps, more quiet weekends at home, we plan downtime into trips, we take note of toilet facilities and places to rest, and so on - but you know what, it doesn't matter, it's just life.

I don't think you should throw yourself out with the bathwater (so to speak) just yet. EVERYONE has special needs. We all do, some are just seen as "illness related" and some are "preference", "culture", etc. etc., and everything in between. There really are all sorts of lids for all sorts of pots.

It will be OK, but you need to feel you've got someone on your side for now because you sound depressed and discouraged, and that can become a vicious circle when it comes to chronic health conditions. Loneliness and sadness make folk sicker, make symptoms feel worse, and make more vulnerable to infection and all sorts. And it causes you to self isolate which will make you more lonely.

I think counselling would really help. Can I suggest "empowerment-based" counselling, sometimes called "feminist" counselling (but it's not just about feminism) - someone who has experience with disability would be amazing for you.

You aren't alone. You sound lovely. It will be OK in the end, but you do need to take action to get yourself there.

Some such great advice here from posters

For what it’s worth OP, I have a number of invisible illnesses including infertility resulting from a very visible one I had a few years ago in my 20s.

I have dated since, had one successful 3 year relationship and have been in another one for 9 months - both met on apps, along with a load more less suitable dates! It’s a minefield but there are more decent men who don’t care about things like this than you would imagine!

My ex was an introvert who was happy to stay in with me and have a quiet life, my current boyfriend is an extrovert who loves going out, but accepts that I’ll only be able to do that with him some of the time, and his friends are there for the rest.

So many people who are dating have things in their life they consider baggage, but the right person will view it as part of what makes them who they are.

Thank you everyone! You're giving me a flash of hope that it gets better. I do agree with some of the previous posters that my attitude might leave me vulnerable to tolerate bad behaviour in a relationship. I think I might need to give my head a bit of a shake before I venture out there again and try work on myself a bit.

I've looked into counselling today and it looks like I can self refer without going to my GP which is great news.

Brilliant!

Oh OP my heart goes out to you, especially what you were saying about staying mostly in your room and not really enjoying life at the moment.
It's great you can access counselling hopefully it will be useful and things will start to get a bit easier for you, you sound a really lovely person.
For what it's worth I've been recently diagnosed with a long term health condition and also hope to access counselling support to deal with the emotional aspect, once I can get the more physical aspect and treatment sorted.
Wishing you all the very best you sound amazing x