Can this ever work?

[Sweatheart]

I don't want to say who is who in the relationship as it's outing.

Two people, both equally disabled and one is working part time, the other claims means tested benefits.

Is there a future for this relationship? The person on means tested benefits will lose them if the couple move in together meaning the person in work has to support both and has to stay in work. The person who doesnt work becomes fully reliant on the other person.

What do you think?

If you're basing whether a relationship works or not on finances you probably shouldn't bother being in a relationship.

In fairly tales money don’t matter, but in real life - they do, of course. And especially in the situation you are describing.
Of course a relationship can work, if the two of you get along and want to be together.
It seems that living together might not be possible, at least until you find some solution. But plenty of couples don’t live together.
You can still spend a lot of time together and stay over, you’ll just need to maintain two residences.
It is, of course, not fair to make one person lose benefits and make the other one support both of you. It may change with time though - the other person may not feel as able to work and you both can end up on benefits. Or the other person can decide to do some work too. Or rules governing the benefits may change over time just as well.

I’d not rule out the relationship from the start.

Living together might not be viable but that doesn't mean the relationship isn't.

If you're basing whether a relationship works or not on finances you probably shouldn't bother being in a relationship.

Given the way things are stacked against people living with disabilities I don't think that's fair.

Entitled to.gov.uk check out anonymously what you would get based on one of you working, then decide.

Sounds like it needs serious thought, and potentially disastrous. Is the working one's condition stable or likely to deteriorate? Does stress/fatigue make it worse?

What happens if the relationship fails, what would the housing situation be?

Thanks @MMmomDD for your reasoned reply. That's where I am with it at the moment. The alternative is that the person who can't work can never be in a relationship unless it's with someone else who also can't work.

@GiveHerHellFromUs there's practicalities,
unfortunately we all have to eat. Being disabled is a financial disadvantage in itself. I'm curious as to how people make it work. I'm one of the two people in the scenario, and I would hate to be a financial burden to a partner: equally I would struggle to shoulder the financial burden. Should I just be alone forever because I'm not allowed to think about the financial implications of a relationship progressing to cohabitating/marriage? I'd argue its healthier to think about it sooner rather than later.

If you are both equally disabled is it an option for the one who will lose benefits to get a job? Then you are not both relying on one income.

Is the working one's condition stable or likely to deteriorate?

Stable to an extent, but unlikely to maintain employment until pensionable age. Stress and fatigue are major concerns.

Housing is of course another concern if the two moved in together and the relationship didn't work out.

I've looked at entitled to, we would be entitled to virtually no means tested benefits.

The alternative is that the person who can't work can never be in a relationship unless it's with someone else who also can't work

No hun, it just means that you might have to officially have 2 separate homes. You can still have a long term and committed relationship that lasts your whole life even.

You can still spend a lot of time/nights together. I personally think it's a good thing to technically keep your own space anyway, so then if you want a night to yourself you can have it.

If you're prepared to take the small financial hit you could even move in with the person (many people do live this way after all.)

Also, apply for PIP. If you have and didn't succeed that time, apply again, and appeal if necessary. PIP is not reliant on income so you would keep it regardless of your partner's income I think.

But really, keeping your own place is the best way to live anyway IMHO. You don't feel as trapped, and you have something to fall back on. xxx

I don't think you have to be "alone forever" - but maybe co-habiting isn't the best option for either of you. I think it's over-rated personally - having your own space and being the captain of your ship is good. Dating, sex and having fun together without washing each other's socks and putting up with the snoring every night is pretty awesome too).

I think it might be an idea to get advice on this OP as it's a common problem. There may be resources available to help in your area through local organisations or even the council. I suggest you contact Scope and have a chat with one of their advisers.

Thanks @12345kbm I didnt think of that. It's so complicated.

We both get PIP, but when thats the only source of income for one person in a couple it's not a huge amount, especially where the mobility component is going on a car.

Marriage is important to me, equally I dont want to be with someone but not live with them if we are in a long term relationship.

No problem, it was a great idea to ask for advice before you went further. The CABx would also be a good resource but try Scope first as I'm sure they get this all the time. They'll be able to point you in the right direction.

@Sweatheart you asked if there was a future in the relationship. Based on what you have said, the person on benefits (presumably you by your response) will always be negatively affected by living with another person.

I'm not disputing that the system is crap, and absolutely have in no way said you should be alone forever.

Does the working person in the relationship claim anything based on their disability?
Do you have the same disability or are they different?

To be honest, given the way the benefit system develops I think it's really difficult to work out whether anything that is/isn't financially viable now will be in 10/20/30 years time.

I have no idea, sorry. Bit I'm one of the tax payers who pays your PIP and I'm routing for you. I seriously hope this works out for you as I know being disabled sucks bad. Xx

Thanksgiveherhell, I know you didn't say that. It's just frustrating! We are not at the point of moving in at the moment, but I'm worried about the future and everyone irl is throwing their (unsoliciilted!) advice at me.

Different disabilities completely - we both claim pip but that's all I'm entitled to. I'm the one who works and in an ideal world I'd like to drop a few more hours as I'm struggling but cant afford the drop just now. I'm fairly well paid and i do pretty well given my disabilities and medical problems. But, I'm keeping my head above water and no more as it is!

Do you claim the 'tax credits' you're eligible for as a person with disabilities in work?

I put them in quotes because they're being replaced by an element of Universal Credit I think, but think there's a similar element- except it starts at 0 hours rather than the random 16 it started at before- yay!

You could try asking this helpline www.scope.org.uk/helpline/ or the DWP themselves.

I'm not entitled to any, and still wouldnt be even if it were a joint claim (i think the threshold is about 18k).

I'll look into scope, we are not at this point yet, I'm just trying to figure out if this is workable long term. The logic being I can prevent myself getting hurt

Thing is, I love the guy, realistically I'm going nowhere!

But you can get married and be committed even if you don't live together... it's a nightmare the way the system works , is there no chance of the non working person getting some work even if small amount? As then UC may kick in more? Some are better off under Uc

With this government can't see things getting better honestly:(

Marriage is important to me, equally I dont want to be with someone but not live with them if we are in a long term relationship

It might not be ideal, but you can still have a loving and committed relationship without marriage. If it’s actually a deal breaker then you’ll have to walk or suck up the financial loss, but it doesn’t have to be black or white.

I’m in a similar position - not living together mainly due to the logistics of having 5 children between us.

But also, as someone on a low income, I receive tax credits as a top up and I wouldn’t feel equal if my partner had to subsidise me and my children when I lost tax credits and a portion of my child maintenance, (which my ex pays over the odds but wouldn’t do if I lived with DP).

And yes I know I’m still being subsidised by the government, but that doesn’t make me feel like I have to pick up the dirty socks or cook and clean for everyone in government as a thank you, whereas if I lived with DP and he supported me financially I’d feel obliged to shoulder more of the shit work in return. It would put him personally in a tricky financial position to be looking after 7 of us instead of 3 and paying for a larger enough house etc, whereas he currently has very low overheads and a lot of disposable income. Taking on me and 3 extra kids in that scenario isn’t really fair for him!

So for now (and for the last 7 years!) we live separately. We spend a lot of time together, he stays at my house when his kids are with their mum and I go round his for dinner sometimes.

I’d dearly love to get married, but that would cause us all enormous upheaval moving in together (5 teenagers in one house anyone?!) and would cost him thousands of pounds a year in making up my lost income, so it just doesn’t make sense. As a single mum I haven’t had a lot of opportunity to build a good career so my options to earn more are limited for a while yet.

However, it’s something I can look forward to eventually when the DCs grow up, which I guess is different for you if that’s not a possibility at any point in the future.

You could still have the social aspect of a wedding - maybe an engagement party or similar? Still have date nights and holidays together etc. You could even maybe look at moving in next door to each other as neighbours?! That’s actually my dream - two homes next door so we keep our own space but can treat it like one big house with a door in the middle.

@averythinline I think that would be an opinion - as it wouldn't affect benefits if we weren't getting any in the first place!

It's interesting to see all the different perspectives. Culturally marriage is a big thing, so that's added in there too with it's own pressures.

I know what you mean @rusu92 I think he would struggle with it.

I have no experience of your situation (have aspergers so it impacts in different ways), and Ive never felt any desire to marry, so my response might only have limited value.

But here goes anyway. I understand that you want to marry and live together but, never having had a good relationship, I'd take love if I had the option. The practicalities can be worked around - you can maintain financial independence and two homes as you're both already doing that but share your lives in other ways.

I wouldn't throw away love because the circumstances of the relationship aren't ideal.

Do you live close to each other or is there a lengthy distance between you?

As others have said, there's no harm in having a 'commitment ceremony'. Life's an utter bitch at times and disability isn't ever going to make things easier.

I've accepted the limitations of my situation. I'm unlikely to have a successful long term relationship of any description; I'll certainly never live with anyone. Am I happy about it? No. It breaks my heart because a relationship where I'm loved and cherished - the good sort I read about on here - is all I really want out of life. I'm content with everything else.

This is one of those times when, as trite as it probably sounds, my dad would have told me to 'think about the doughnut and not the hole'.

Thank you for sharing @fromtheearth - I hope you do meet someone and it works for you.

We live in the same city so it isnt long distance, I dont think I'd entertain it if it was.

You're right though, he makes me happy, the rest is a bridge we cross if we come to it.

Sweatheart thanks. It's unlikely. I've tried dating men with asd and neurotypical men and it's never come close to working with either. I need someone who is 100% what I need/want them to be because anything else causes me huge anxiety and overthinking. And, in my head, they are always 'wrong'. I've learnt not to put that upon them and accept it's me but managing my feelings around it takes a huge effort and leaves me feeling mentally depleted and ill.

So its unlikely.

But I really hope this works out for you.