Cheating

[Robertads]

Right here goes. I've been with my partner 9 years now. We meet on a dating site. We hit it of straight away. He got on with my kids. Because of his work commitments and mine, me also having a younger child, we travelled from his house to mine etc , a year ago my youngest daughter reach 19 so I had an opportunity to start a business with my partner, so we did it meant I moved in with him and came back to see the grown children at weekends. In the 9 years we have been together he has treated me like. Queen. As long as I'm ok he's ok. He is my best friend. So on thursday he was looking for paper work for the car. Getting frustrated he couldn't find it. I thought fresh pair of eyes of look so I did. I came across old calendars which made me laugh as I know he writes everything down head like a sieve. I noticed a ladies name and address whom I didnt know. He had been dating this lady since june 2011, ok before me no problem. The more I looked it got to September when he started dating me I thought no omg no surly no. Turns out he continued to date us both for a year and a half. As we didn't live together at the time i didn't have a clue. He went to hers came to mine we both had days at his. He bought me a ring in 2012 on my birthday one year after meeting her. But 3 days later hrs spent a 3 days with her at her home. He ended their relationship in march 2013. That was tbe last her name was entered. The whole thing has left me feeling destroyed. I left our home before he got home from work I haven't seen him since. Of course I left him a letter asking why would he do that. He said he was a different man back then he didn't know how much he'd grow to love me. He said its 7 years and he's never cheated on me. He cant explain why he done it he was only just getting to know me. He begging for me to forgive him, i know hrs hurting he feels so bad for what he done, he cant change the past. I know that. But I'm not sure if I can get past this without thinking everything was based on a lie. All our early pictures, our memories. Plus I moved into his house the house she came to. It no longer feeling like my home. I'm just lost

I'm so sorry OP. I don't have advise but wanted to bump it up for you. Sending big hugs

wow that's a hard thing to have to find out and deal with.
my advice is men that can carry on with 2 women at once lack a conscience. trust me i know someone like this and hes never been faithful and it doesn't bother him one bit. he carries on like hes madly in love when hes with his girlfriend but once shes out of sight hes sneaking off!
be careful and make sure hes not just sweet talking you.

Oh that is shocking and you must have been so upset! I always think if you start a relationship as a lie it doesn't bode well and although he can get away with it being so long ago that's not an excuse.. He should have been honest and gave you the option of carrying on with him or leaving. He didn't give you that choice as he knew what he was doing was wrong and has basically wasted the last 7 years of your life

I'm not sure I could get past it and ever fully trust him again, tbh. That's a really long time to go behind your back and not care about your feelings

I don’t know.
I think for me it’d depend what life phase you are in.
If you are young and romantic love is important to you then I’d guess this will be difficult to get over.
If you are a little older and more pragmatic - I’d say - while not great - it’s understandable that there might have been an overlap on the early stages as your relationship was long distance by the sound it it.
And he broke it off all by himself a long time ago, even while you still lived ways apart and if he wanted to continue his double life - he could have.
I’d also say - if your relationship is strong otherwise - and it’s gone on for a while - it’s worth a lot.

You left the kids?

How far away were you?

So sorry this is an awful revelation and really does spotlight how he has been able to successfully manipulate 2 women at the same time.....for a long time. I dont know how you move forward with this. This would shatter me and break my heart. Perhaps some time apart for you to collect your thoughts, let the feelings settle and re evaluate where you from here. Of course he will come up with all the explanations for you. Thats not the point here, the point is how on earth do you move on from this. Your dynamic will have changed from now on, it won't be the same but you may be able to build on some of the ashes.

Since I read your post on the other zombie thread I've had a good think and honestly I'm still don't know. On one hand it was 7 years ago and you have both been very happy but on the other hand, this was not a one night stand or even a short lived fling this went on for a year and a half!!! He did that consciously it and deceitfully. I suppose only you know him best but your realsionship is always going to be a little tarnished from it. I think you will really need to have a little break from him in order to clear your head and decide what's best for yourself.

@Robertads - how awful for you. I don’t think it mattered that it’s 7 years. There is a world of difference between having multiple dating partners before being exclusive and what he did. He cheated on you that’s for sure. Why would it take him so long to “decide” who he wanted to be with - it could have been you getting shown the door. I don’t think I could get over that level of deception.

If it had been a couple of months or so I'd probably find a way to get past it given he had no idea how things would turn out etc. But a year and a half! No way! That would ruin it all for me. Had you had a conversation about exclusivity?

His excuse is weak. No one knows how a relationship is going to turn out, but usually people are honest enough to not be having two consecutively on the sly.

In your shoes my trust in him would be gone. I agree anyone that can do this lacks a conscience. I'm sorry you are hurting.

A couple of months like the above poster said wouldn’t be to much of an issue but 18 months is ridiculous and I don’t see how you can get past that.
He was shagging you one night and then literally going to hers then next night and repeat.

It doesn’t take 18 months to decide who he prefers and he was just having his cake and eating it.

Green tulips no I that's why it took me 8 years to move onto his house at this point my kids were grown oldest 34. Youngest 19 who still lived in the family home with her 2 brothers who were 23 and 25 thought I'd clear that up I moved 45 miles away

Thank you all for your thoughts. I know it's a no go back. So I need to sort out a van and take everything I bought and took to his. I've already told him this is my intention.

@Josuk @Cantpickausername5 anyone else who thinks get over it...

Do you all have MUG written on your forehead?!

Jesus christ, you'd FORGIVE cheating on you, for TWO YEARS?!

Thank god op that you have more sense. Its shit that he has wasted your time for 9 years, but at least you're free now. Never ever go back to him.

I don't intend to. I have told him it's over, I have sorted a van to collect my belongings. I have left my job as we own a mma gym together. And have moved back in my family home with my 3 grown children. I've got a hard road ahead of me, 9 years is a long time, but 18 months of cheating at the beginning was unacceptable. Regardless of how happy we have been I would never get over that cheating.

What a very stupid man

You haven't got a hard road ahead of you. You're free of someone who was beneath you. You're now free to find someone better.

You will have hard days ahead but like you have said 18 whole months of cheating is beyond repairable.

Well done on taking such decisive action.

Now make sure your get your money out your joint business. Don’t walk away from that just because you have dumped the cheating bastard.