Double life

[Rainydayss]

Has anyone unearthed one? How did you cope?
I certainly have, although we have separated I have found out at least 7 years of our marriage involved another woman. Found photos and evidence all of which he hasn't denied and confirmed. Gobsmacking to say the least

No I haven't op but sorry to hear that you have cant be nice knowing that even though not Together anymore you must really be shocked and angry.

Shocking. It shows no longer being with him is a blessing, though.

Not as such, but after I dumped my 'ex' because he was sleazy, I found more evidence of what a sick perv he was from other women.

I'd not had much idea of what he was like until some women on here made it clear to me.

It was a bit of a shock, but it'd only been about 18 months.

My husband has just admitted to a lengthy double life lasting years and resulted in neglect of his home and family and also possibly contributing to his health breakdown. The damage done to our children is immeasurable and they are preparing to disown him.

catloveisreal - your message could be mine word for word. Feel free to PM me.
Its devastating, the lies that start to unfold, its almost like a sick joke and unbelievable when you think you know someone

I'm sorry for those that have been through this too.

I'm literally just starting out. I've very very recently found out my husband is leading a double life. I just can't get my head around it. I'm still working out what to do. I'm in lockdown with him and he acts normal. I can't believe what i've discovered. I have to keep going back to look at my evidence because he acts so normal.its hard to equate it to reality.
We've been married 24 years. 3 kids 21,20 and 18. 2 at uni, 1 works away.
I suspected something was a bit off and odd just before Xmas. Couldn't put my finger on it but my working pattern changed (I was Cabin Crew until I lost my job a few weeks ago). I'd quite often leave the house in the early hours. Because he snores and my shifts meant getting up at 1am etc Just after he'd go to bed, it's not unusual for us to have separate rooms at times. My shifts changed for a while and I stopped getting up 1 and 2am. I awoke one night and found h wasn't home. I called him. Eventually after a while he answered. Said had been unable to sleep so has gone to 24hr Tesco. That was the start. Suddenly it clicked. Often i'd wake on my days off/weekends early at 6am to find him not there. He'd frequently arrive back with bags of shopping or sweaty from bike ride.
This pattern had gone on for years. He works away lots too, in the UK and abroad.
I started getting less and less earlies at work and when he was at home (not working away) it became apparent he was leaving our house in the small hours fairly frequently.

It was obvious he was upto no good as he would sneak out through the integral garage of our house, not the front door. Parking in our street is awful and I'd always had the 1 space on our drive due to my early starts, but it also became apparent he had stopped "fighting" for a space outside our house and,was parking down the road,even when a closer space was available. I guess so he didn't wake me when leaving in the night.
It became,apparent he was leaving as soon as he thought I was asleep . Anywhere from midnight onwards. He would return 6am some days, sneaking in so no one would never know he'd been gone and then rocking up with bags of supermarket shopping or B&Q DIY kit later, sometimes 8am sometimes 11am.

Long story short ...I eventually tracked him to an address less than 3 miles away. A friend helped on the internet get me names for the address. After a bit more googling and SM searching i found he has a secret family. Once you knowvsomeones user names for stuff like Twitter, trip adviser, review sites, eBay, various forums you can discover so much it's actually terrifying. I've found out so much stuff. I'm not sure if the son is his. But it's all there. Photos of him with this other woman and little boy. Its a total head fuck. He's taken her to the same places he's taken me with his work, the same hotels. Its become apparent he has added days either side of his trips away. So yes he is working away but only for 3 days not 5 or 6, adding time each side and living with them. When I was away with my work, he'd be there. I've seen holiday snaps. Weirdly, away in static caravans, something he'd never do with us. He always sneered at a holiday park type holiday. I used to go and take the kids when they were small but always alone or with friends, but never him (another indication that years ago he used that time to his advantage too). We always went abroad as a family for our holidays.
They eat out in pubs in our town, when I'm working. Ironically it's pubs I've never been to. Some I've suggested we try, but he's always sneered at.

I've realised on the rare occasions we shop together in our local town he's very clever at separating from me. He will go to gadget shops and I'll go to clothes shops. If we go to the supermarket he'll leave me,at the till always. Says we have forgotten an item, run off to get it but only just gets back with it in time as I'm about to pay (joint account). Its not about the money but about minimising time stood with me in public.
I'm assuming she knows all about me. I mean who the fuck would tolerate some bloke rocking up for a few hours between 1am and 6am?? She refers to my husband by a different name too.
I've gone on far too long but currently I'm stuck at home with him. His work has dried up. I'm unemployed. I cant bare to look at him or talk to him much im so angry and disgusted. But I've kept my mouth shut for three weeks now so just waiting for the right time to leave, which isn't now. I can't witht no fucking job. I know I need to speak to a solicitor but can't get 5 minutes on my own right now. Meanwhile he carries on as normal with us (2 of the kids back home just now). I just can't get around the level of deceit. Everything is so normal it would be easy to ignore and just carry on if I wasnt so enraged. I have to keep going back to look at my "evidence" to make myself believe it's true because nothing feels real at all just now. I feel so isolated but there is no normal for me to go back to. I have no job. I need to restart my whole life from scratch and can't even start to do that yet as lockdown continues.
Tell me it gets better, all I can see is a huge mountain in front of me and I just don't know what to do or how I start over.

@FoolishWife @Rainydayss

I was in a relationship with a man for 5 years and we had a child together. Turns out I was the other woman and before he met me he entered in to a relationship with a woman in his home country and married her while I was pregnant. He broke down and confessed everything the day after our son was born. Said he was very sorry, I deserved better but he still wanted to be in a relationship with both or us. I was absolutely devestated.

@FoolishWife what a revelation, its just awful and its the utter betrayal. I know I found it so hard to know the efforts he went to cover up his life, lie, deceive and make me feel guilty because I question how hard he was 'working'
I still haven't unearthed half of it, although have been in contact with the other woman who also (well so she says) was unaware of his double life.

@09:02FoolishWife
Please change your user name - you've been deceived by someone who has put in hours and months of practice, YOU are not foolish, HE is foolish for thinking he could get away with it. And cowardly. Hopefully the stress will make him deservedly ill.
You can so get through this, and do well on the other side. Thousands of women do, and ALL of them think they won't be able to when they start.
You can't eat an elephant all in one bite, right? A bit at a time.
Start taking daily walks by yourself for an hour or so, preferably in the morning, and set yourself a small task for the day - maybe simply keeping quiet is a task, or talking to a friend who knows. Don't be afraid to talk about it with others, you'll need thrm. Use this time as well to phone a solicitor, ask around for some recommendations.
It's scary, but it's also the beginning of the next bit of your life. There's no beginnings without endings.

@Rainydayss I do hope you're ok - you don't say when it happened, or how long ago. Please tell someone else too, don't take responsibility for someone's shitty behaviour.

@FoolishWife plus it makes you question everything over the years. He never had a photo of me and our DCs anywhere, always just him and them. Showed no interest in anything in the house, almost felt uncomfortable being there. Didn't wear wedding ring as he had arthritis in his finger joints, you couldnt write it really!

However you will in time be fine and get through this. Choose a small selection of trustworthy friends/family and work together to get through it. I didn't tell many people, I was too humiliated, however the ones I told were supportive and still helping me now. (We had separated for about 6 months when I found out the years of deceit).
Small steps and focus on you and do whatever makes you feel better. I contacted the other woman as I needed answers - people said not to lower myself but I needed the truth (or her version) and it helped.

LongLockdown Thanks for the words of wisdom and advice. I'm honestly struggling to see the wood from the trees. I feel so humiliated and stupid. I can trace this back 3 years definately. 3 fucking years!! But it could go back further. I'm trying to establish if this don of hers is his. He s 7 years old.

Rainydayss what you say rings so true. We've definately grown apart the past couple of years. He is not engaged much with what's going on at home. He has little interest in home improvements etc. We had a new kitchen with walls knocked down 21/2 years ago. The project went yo shit halfway through and he just left me to deal with the fallout, find new builders etc.

He showed no real enthusiasm for shopping or choosing new things for the kitchen. That's what he's been like with everything for a good few years now I cone to think about it. We had a bloody roof leak and a ceiling collapsed last October. I called him in tears as he was working away but I now know he was with her. He just left me to deal with it all which I did thinking he was abroad but he was 3 miles away .
My h never wore a ring either. Said it was too dangerous for his job, which it was when we got married but he does different work now.
Yes it feels like a sick joke. It just feels unreal but then I feel rather detached from anything real right now.

Its a huge shock so don't underestimate how it will make you feel. I traced back 7 years, in that time he even had the cheek to condemn anyone we know who had been unfaithful and question my faithfulness.
He lost so many years with our young DC.
Yes I've seen holiday photos too, its amazing what you can find when you get digging, although not good for your sanity. I took screenshots of evidence that later disappeared, maybe best you do if not already in case he denies it and accuses you of being insane, - yep had that too.

I am unfortunately in the same position, having discovered last year that my DH was leading a double life for 2 years and has a child. We have been married for 25 years and have DC aged 21 and 17.

I have no idea how he could do this, how he could see his new child, and then come home to us pretending he’d been at work all day, as if nothing had happened. How could he come in the door and chat to our DC when only a few hours before he had been cuddling his new baby? It makes me totally question the person I married as I feel that I don’t know him at all if he is able to deceive us so easily like this.

@Frankiefree sorry you are going through this too. How have you been getting on over the past year dealing with it?

I am so sorry for what you have experienced. You watch it on soaps and hear about it happening to others but never think it will land on your doorstep.

I know several women who discovered their spouses and partners were leading double lives. They were beside themselves as the affair had gone on for years. Children were involved and a part of the husbands lives but all in secret. One couple did not have joint bank accounts so wife was unaware of the few hundred pounds going missing each month.

It is knowing what to do now it is all out in the open.

Frankiefree Hi, so sorry you're a member of this shit club too. Are you still wirh him?? Dies he know you know?
I spend hours sat in the same room with my husband (every day at the moment) and just find myself staring at him thinking just how the fuck can you carry on like this? It must be so exhausting having to lie and cover your lies all the time. The worst thing is the deception to our kids. Its like he's lied to them too. He s not been here for certain things, he might argue mundane every day stuff, but he's prioritised being with "her" over his kids.
All last summer I was a bit emotional with all the build up you our youngest going to uni 3 hours away. Sounds daft but she's the last one to go so it really felt like the end if an era. She was so busy with her own life and social life all summer so when she was home for the day or an evening I was really appreciating the time with her and making the most if it. He couldnt care less and was off on his caravan break with her, her mum and the little boy and when not on holiday, was there at there house at every opportunity. I didn't know this at the time but have since discovered all this.

He s there at every possible opportunity which makes me question why he hasn't dumped me.
If I was popping into town for an hour to run a couple of errands, the minute after I leave the house, so does he. I know cos I've checked a few times by going to look in her street and his car is always there. Obviously we are in lockdown now, so I'm not sure if they are seeing each other or not but he's taken up cycling, usually at 6am when the rest of us are still in bed!

Foolishwife

What do you want to do? Tell your husband to leave, go for counselling?

It is awful that your husband orchestrated everything to work in his favour; random trips to shops, waiting for you to leave the house before going to see ow. The planning it must have taken was cunning and deceitful.

I agree that its betraying the children too. I got the 'I didn't want to leave you because I love out DCs so much' which is ironic as he prioritised seeing his other women and going on holiday then spending time with our DC.
@FoolishWifeFoolish Id have big concerns if he is still seeing her, possibly sharing the virus and bringing it back into your home etc.

Rainydays and Foolishwife - he does know that I know, as I suspected he was having an affair and looked at his phone and saw pictures of him holding the baby. I don’t actually know how I have got through the past year. I have seen a solicitor and started the divorce but this will obviously take a while to get sorted . But would you believe he doesn’t want us to split up and still wants to make a go of things! I feel disgusted to even look at him, as he really doesn’t accept the enormity of what he has done and the betrayal. I was in shock the first few months and living off adrenaline, but now reality has sunk in and I realise I am living with a man who has no respect for me or his children. Lockdown has made things harder, and I’ve told him to move out. His DB has an Airbnb which isn’t being used so he is going to move there in a couple of weeks. I know that not meant to move during lockdown, but he has to do this for my own sanity and mental health! He has been visiting her during lockdown anyway.

You have to cut narcissists out of your life. There is no other way. All you can do is deprive them of your existence - know that you were not to blame, and move on.
Wishing you well 💐

Rainydays - my DH also made me feel guilty about how hard he was working. He always saw OW during the day when he was meant to be at work, would come home at normal time as if he’d had a hard day, when he’d spent the day at her house and in her bed! I’m only now realising how emotionally manipulative he is. All I can say is that at least you found the photographic evidence, otherwise these men would never say. If I hadn’t found out, I would have honestly felt like I was going mad as he would have denied everything and would have said it is all in my mind.