Getting Back with my Ex

[AMJ1994]

Please bear with me as I’m completely new to mumsnet & don’t know any of the “lingo” but I just wanted to hear other mums opinions of my situations as friends and family won’t understand.

My daughter is 20 months and I split up with her dad a year ago. We have got on reasonably well since then, there have been a few issues and there are definitely things he could have done better in regards to my little girl, but overall he is a good dad and my daughter adores him. He sees her 3 times a week at the minute.

Since we split up we have been quite up and down. It’s still hard for both of us as we do still love each other. We split up as there was a lot of arguing and we both weren’t happy. We both decided it was what was better for our daughter. Since then my ex has told me multiple times that it isn’t what he wants and he would want to start to work on things together. He has started seeing someone else Just after Christmas but isn’t happy and is splitting up with her and wants us to make a go of things together.

In our relationship there were a lot of trust issues mostly from his side, I never cheated but he’s quite insecure and still doesn’t believe that 100% but it’s something that he wants to work on. He has had issues with mental health in the past which was a massive part of our issue to begin with as I have never dealt with mental health before and was completely clueless.

Since having our daughter he does seem to be a lot more stable, but there are still underlying issues there. I always wanted us to do counselling together so that I could understand how he was feeling and someone could talk me through things. He is keen for us to go through counselling now to see if we think we would be able to make things work again.

I do love him and would love nothing more than to try again but I don’t want to make the wrong decision. If we did try again there would be so much that would work against us.

I currently live with my mum whilst I’m getting back on my feet and she really hates my ex, I know that this would cause massive issues between me & my mum and I don’t want to fall out with her. She does only want what is best for me and my daughter but also has her own ideas on what I should do. My friends also don’t like him as they have only ever seen and heard the negative things about him from me and he isn’t the easier to deal with at times.

I know that no one would approve and it would make things difficult, I don’t want to give up the chance of being able to make things work for the sake of pleasing other people but I also don’t want to make a decision that I will regret later on.

Please help, I know ultimately it’s my decision, but has anyone else been in this situation before??

Xx

Why doesn't your mum like your ex?

How did his 'trust issues' ( controlling behaviour) manifest?

What mental health issues?

I would keep him as an Ex, far too many issues.

Deep seated jealousy issues, not being the easiest to get on with, lots of arguing, none of the people who care about you thinking it's a good idea, him taking up with and dumping someone else...
It really doesn't sound very tempting to me.

He needs to remain your ex. No good whatsoever would come of getting back with him because the fundamental issues he has remain. You are not his therapist nor should you try and be a rescuer or saviour in a relationship because neither approach works.

He has not changed at all and he being a "good dad" (the bar for that criteria does seem pretty low for some women) and your daughter adoring him as well are no reasons either to get back with him. And besides which he is not a good dad if he treated you as his ex like described. You would merely be in for more of the same.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What example were you yourself shown?.

Love your own self for a change and unlearn the crap you have learnt about relationships to date through counselling. Read about people pleasing behaviours.

Women in or who have been in poor relationships too often write the "good dad" comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about the man. You have done that.

So many red flags.

1. your friends and family don’t like him
2. he's with someone else but tells you how unhappy he is and wants to be with you! If this was true he would leave her.
3. trust issues. So he doesn’t trust you although you’ve given him no reason not to.

He’s an ex for a reason, keep him that way.

Always listen to your mum and closest friends they can see everything from a good view point. Stay away from this man. Work at getting yourself and child together and stepping towards a bright future without all this drama. Leave him alone and move on.