Advice please

[pesnzl]

I wondered whether any of you could help me please with some advice. as I'm feeling slightly like I'm in quick sand at the moment and drowning. I'm so down and can't just see a way out feeling like this. I can't speak to anyone I know, I've tried CBT and I just think speaking anonymously is the only thing I can do. Nothing works for me.

I have been married for 3 years. I'm 35. I'm just so unhappy with my life.

My husband and I have not had a good month as he has a urine infection which he has antibiotics for but has literally been in bed or left the house for two weeks with this and has worn the same clothes everyday. Before this he cut his finger a little (the bandage was on for 4 days). Anyone would think he chopped his finger off the way he was carrying on and he got really depressed about it for 4 days.

I have had a bit of a go about him being in bed for this infection and for stupid about his finger. He has been so angry at my reaction and says I'm unsympathetic and have no empathy or care for him in his situation. One of my friends husbands is dying from cancer and I support her a lot. I have pointed this out to him and said how lucky he is that he only has a couple of weeks of feeling ill and it's not like my friends husbands situation. He says I shouldn't compare and I should show him more love generally and be nicer.

I just find this really annoying and to be honest I'm struggling even being in the house with him at the moment as his 'illness' is doing my bloody head in. I've tried to get him to go to work today and he's just led at home with an ice bag on his balls. I could just throw something at him.

He calls me selfish and arrogant and says I don't put effort in to our relationship and if we ever split up then it will be my fault because I will be the one who doesn't keep our love alive.

I am so up and down. One minute I love the bones off him and we get on so well but I can't stop this feeling in the back of my mind. It's like some sort of resentment towards him that I don't have the happiness I want.

A large part of how I'm feeling is that I want a baby. We've always said one day we'd have them but he's still saying no and said he isn't even sure if he wants them. He even said he'd get a vasectomy and then if we wanted Kids he'd get it reversed. I got really upset about this as I told him that's stupid thing to say. He said he was trying to be kind as it shouldn't be just the responsibility of the women to sort out birth control. I told him he was being stupid.

I've had a previous partner that made me abort a baby because he didn't want. I wanted it but loved him and it almost destroyed me. It ended our relationship after a year or so as I just hated him so much.
I just feel like I keep getting with men who control this for me. Although I know it's a two person decision to have a baby.

I feel sad as I recently heard my ex is having a baby now with his wife. Made me feel 'why not me'.

Another thing that bothers me is that I have a good job but I don't earn very much and I have tried to branch out but without any success as I have done the same
Job for about 15 years that's very niche so I don't have many other skills. My husband has a good job also but isn't very driven as he gets to work at home a lot and manage his own time. He says he is happy as he is but I find it hard not to wish he was a bit more driven to progress.

All my friends are so wealthy and happily married with children. Most of them already have no mortgage. I not being naive here and I know you really don't know what is going on in people's lives but I'm just going on what I see on the surface. I find it hard not to compare myself to them.

I care about people so much and I'm the first to help out everyone and do anything to make other people feel better. I just don't want to do anything for him.

I think the problem is more me than him. I think I am going mad. One minute I'm fine and love him so much and feel lucky I have a nice Husband and friend. The next minute I hate him and resent him as my life isn't going as I want it to.

I don't want to leave him as I'd regret it as I think the problem lies more with me. I just don't know what to do. Sometimes i feel like what's the point of me even being here. Everybody thinks I'm really happy and easy going but I'm dying inside really and struggling.

I just want to say that My husband is a nice guy, he is caring and does nice things for me and around the house. Most people would feel very lucky to have him. Which makes me even more like 'what the hell is wrong with me'

Anyone?

Hi hun, please go back to your GP/consultant for a start. If you've tried meds in the past, keep going back until they hit on something that works- there are dozens of things they can try.

It could be good to have counselling to help with your mood and to consider how you feel about your relationship.

He honestly doesn't sound very nice, and his reservations about children are disappointing for you. He doesn't seem like father material anyway based on his behaviour. xxx

I'm just so unhappy with my life Then stop being a passenger in your own life. Take back some control. Do things that will make you happy.

but has literally been in bed or left the house for two weeks Well infections should clear up with antibiotics within 5-7 days. If it’s been longer then he is either really milking this, or he needs to see his doctor again to see if it has cleared up and if not he needs more antibiotics.
has worn the same clothes everyday Now that is a proper turn off. No wonder you don’t want to be in the house with him. He must fucking stink.
he got really depressed about it for 4 days Because of a cut finger!? You have yourself a manchild!!
I shouldn't compare and I should show him more love generally and be nicer Of course you will compare. It’s human nature. He cannot tell you what you can and can’t think. Does he show you a lot of love? How does he go about that?
I'm struggling even being in the house with him Refer to note further up. Hardly surprising really.
He calls me selfish and arrogant Ahhhh… projection on his part. That is who HE is and he is judging you by his own standards. You do not sound like either of those things. He is trying to push your buttons and make you feel bad. Manipulation at it’s finest.
if we ever split up then it will be my fault Yeah… then he can be the good guy who got dumped. So what!??? Just make decisions to improve yourself and your life!
he's still saying no and said he isn't even sure if he wants them Wow, that is some serious manipulation right there. This will be something he uses against you time and time again. If you behave, you can have a baby. If not, then no baby for you. That is fucking horrendous. Can you imagine having a child with guy? He can't cope now, how about when there is a baby on the scene and you can't devote all your time to him. The abuse will ramp right up - I can guarantee it!!!
feel like I keep getting with men who control this for me I think you just keep choosing controlling men to be honest. Contact Womens Aid and do their Freedom Programme. I think you will see a lot more abusive and controlling traits in your ‘D’H when you complete the course.
He says he is happy as he is but I find it hard not to wish he was a bit more driven to progress This is entirely up to him. He has a job he is comfortable with. It gives him flexibility as well. He doesn't want to progress. You can't make him. You can want him to but that choice is entirely his.
I just don't want to do anything for him This pretty much says it all really. I think you’ve fallen out of love with him and now everything will just annoy you and you will resent him more and more as time goes on.
I think I am going mad Controlling and abusive men can have that effect on you.
I don't want to leave him as I'd regret it Why do you think you would regret it? From your own words, you are so unhappy in life. Being with him is making you unhappy.
and does nice things for me and around the house What exactly does he do for you? Is he kind and caring and does he look after you when you are ill? Does he bring you water and food and numerous cups of tea when you are ill in bed? What does he do around the house? Does he do more than his 50% share of household chores? Does he do 80% and you only do 20%?
Most people would feel very lucky to have him Really? WHO??? No-one on here, I can guarantee you that!

There is NOTHING wrong with you. You are just with the wrong person and the relationship is making you very unhappy. Only one way to resolve that I’m afraid!!!

At 35 you can't prat about if you want children. Have a good think about what you want out of life and whether you two are on the same page at all.

The "I'll get a vasectomy and reverse it" is breathtakingly stupid. You have to treat a vasectomy as permanent, it is not always possible to reverse.

If he's "not sure" about having children, and you want them, I'd advise you don't waste any more years on him. He can vacillate for years and still go on to have dc (with someone else) , your window of fertility is shrinking. Don't let him steal your opportunity.