I can't get over things

[weallneedtea]

I can't get over things ...
After many years of problems in our relationship, things came to a head when I found out that my husband was having an emotional affair with a work colleague. (He also kissed her)
This affair is over now and we are trying to move on.
I am still finding it all very difficult. He gets angry and cross if I refer to it. He says I'm obsessed by her and the situation.
I will try my best to explain a recent situation. He no longer works with her, but still has links through others. Recently I asked him not to discuss her with a mutual friend. He said he wouldnt talk about her and the job. I then asked him to promise and he then went mad and got very cross. He said I was trying to control his conversations and he called me a bully!
This is what he is like. He seems to turn every conversation and situation around and make me feel in the wrong. My heart beats fast and I get anxious. I try to explain what I mean but it is usually just a waste of time.
I am so upset that he called me a bully when I am anything but ... (He is to me and has been for years but I would never dare say it to him!)
He said I used to be a nice person but I'm not now.
When I tell him how upset I am and how low I feel he says "It was just in an argument ... and he said it because I went on at him / frustrate him.."
He always says stuff like this.
I try so hard to make my point and explain my feelings but he just doesnt get it.
Now a few days later he says sorry and that I should forgive and move on.
I say his harsh words have an effect on me and he says I should get over it.
Am I in the wrong? I don't really think I am but he makes me feel it with his clever arguments and comments.
He has sworn at me and called me horrible things for years and I have not done the same to him. He blames me and says it was because of what I did / said.
I tell him that my friends' husbands and Mumsnet partners don't swear at wives and he then questions that and says maybe the wives don't go on at them!
I have got stronger recently (counselling and Mumsnet have helped).
I said he should have more respect for me. I am so unhappy.
I wish it could be different.

Your last three sentences sum it up in a nutshell .He doesn’t respect you and makes you unhappy.If he isn’t going to change then to make things different you have to leave or ask him to leave

He is abusive.
He is trying to minimise his behaviour and is projecting all that he has done onto you.

He is messing with your head and twisting things.
As the previous poster said he has no respect for you.

Personally, I think you need couples therapy to get through this or start getting your ducks in a row.

3 relationship pieces of advice:

1. You can not force someone to love you.

2.The only persons behaviour you can control is your own.

1. The only person that can make you truly happy is yourself.

Love yourself more, your husband is an abusive prick.

Check out the following relationship counsellors on YouTube:
Susan Winter
Matthew Hussey
Marisa Peer
Alex Cormont

Thank you mumsnetters

He doesn’t like to feel guilty. Feeling guilty makes him feel bad. He likes you to make him feel good. He thinks it is your job to make him feel good. He thinks he will feel good if you forgive him because he won’t feel bad anymore. He doesn’t like being a bad guy.
He is, though.

I said he should have more respect for me. I am so unhappy. I wish it could be different.

You're missing one sentence:

"What's even the point of this?"

Hello mumsnet team,
I just read the post from katy1213 and it did upset me so thank you for removing it.

I would continue your counselling and consider if this relationship is worth persuing. You say he bullies you, and calls you names. Why would you want to be with someone who does that? Affair aside, he sounds Not Very Nice.
What do you get out of the relationship at the moment?

Echo, what other pp's have said. Also, the fact this type of thing has been going on for years makes me think it will continue, emotional affair or not. It will grind you down, and eventually you will want to get away from him.

What are your views on him calling me things such as a bully and later saying it was in an argument or just in that moment or because of what I said?
If I say I'm still upset by him swearing at me and calling me unpleasant things (f.. off / f.. b.. ) in rows he will say "why are you mentioning it now? How long ago was that? What good will it do?"
He says if in an argument then all over now. I see it differently.
And then I feel confused.
If it was a one off maybe I could recover but I just cannot get over all this stuff.

You need to contact Womens Aid quick sharp.
You need to get some specialist counselling.
And you need to attend the Freedom Programme that is run by Womens Aid.
This guy is an abusive bully and you are putting up with it.
I've no doubt you aren't strong enough to leave or put plans in place yet but you must start to make steps towards this.
Do you have DC together?
What is the housing situation? Renting? Mortgage?
You do NOT have to live like this.
Also get the Lundy Bancroft book - Why does he do that?
You will find your nasty, vile husband described perfectly in there.

I'm not strong enough to leave.
I've tried a few times and can't do it.

What's stopping you? What are you so afraid of ?

You know, a lot of women would be afraid of the situation you're in NOW....dealing with an abusive cheating manipulative arsehole of a husband. Can't you see that?

What could be worse?? What's so scary out there that could actually be worse than wasting your life with a man that betrays and insults you. Not ALL men are like that, you realise this right? There are lovely men out there that wouldn't dream of doing what your fucker of a husband has done to you.

He make a me feel that I am in the wrong.
If your partner did similar to you, for example, called you a bully in an argument, then said sorry, would you forgive and get over it?
Of course, my partner does it meant times and it has been difficult for a long time.
He has a quick temper and goes defensive and argues.
I can't cope with all this conflict.
I try to communicate and understand.
He says I'm too emotional and says I need to change.

@weallneedtea

just ask yourself: is this acceptable to me? - whatever he is doing in the moment.

The other thing that helps, is writing an 'ick' list of all the horrible selfish things he has done and said.

It helps get things in perspective.

YOU do NOT need to change OP.
Your reactions to an abusive bully are completely normal.
HE needs to change but he won't ever see that.
So the only thing you can do, is to take yourself away from the situation - permanently!
You can never understand the mindset of an abuser because you are not one.

Read again, some of the responses.
Contact some of the resources mentioned.
No-one is expecting you to walk out today.
That won't happen.
It takes 'victims' on average 7+ attempts to leave an abusive relationship.
So contact Womens Aid and speak to them to get some support and to get a plan in place.
Do not let him know what you are doing.
Quietly do it in the background and then leave when you have a good exit plan in place. Womens Aid will help you with that!
This will be your life forever more if you stay.
It's no way to live.

Listen to what Hellsbellsmelons is saying, she has good advice.

He is bullying you and minimising his behaviour. Swearing at you and controlling you.
He is also using projection, telling you, that you are a bully and that you used to be a nice person..... what a prick.
I had an ex narcissistic husband like this, blamed and criticised me for everything, had affairs and made it out to be all my fault.
I stayed because of the children, wish I had got out way sooner so they didn’t see the abuse.

He is whittling you down, you will lose who you are.

Buy the book by Lundy Bancroft: Why does he do that.
Do the Freedom programme.
Phone Women’s Aid for help.

Don’t let him bully you until you don’t know who you are.

Being sworn at by your partner is abuse. It is not part of a normal relationship.
Them having an affair is not acceptable and is disrespectful:hurtful and you have every right to tell him to fuck off!

Get support.

Thank you everyone.
He often changes what he has said.
Recently he told me I wasn't a nice person ... That I used to be nice but not anymore.
Later, in an attempt to apologise, he said he meant "in that moment I wasn't nice when I was making him feel frustrated"!
This is his pattern of behaviour.
Then I am full of self doubt and confusion.
When I say others don't swear at their partners he says maybe they don't go of at them.
I was asking him to promise he wouldn't discuss the other woman.
At mention of the word promise he went mad and said "don't make me promise/ don't control what I say ..."
Since I've been to counselling I have found the strength to say he is emotionally abusive and sometimes controlling.
A doctor and others have also said this.
He disagrees and says what do they know etc.
And now he uses such words to me! He tells me I'm controlling towards him! He doesn't seem to have any trouble saying this to me whereas I often hold back and am scared to say what I really think because of his reaction.
I have been able to say more recently but I feel like he just always gets the better of me and I stand there feeling confused.

Research cluster b personality disorders, see if his personality fits with narcissism/sociopath/psychopath
These are usually the abuser types.

You will see a pattern of behaviour appear.
Also look up trauma bonding and intermittent reinforcement. Loving you then hating you, keeping you off balance, you will then realise how disordered he is and is transferring it on to you.

Good luck.

You sound just fine. He seems like an awful person.

OP your life is going to be miserable until you leave him. Hes an arsehole and an abuser. It's really that simple.

What is keeping you from leaving him?
What happens when you try to leave?

I'm not completely sure why I havent left him.
I think there are several reasons.
I told him I wanted to leave recently when I found out about the other woman and everything came in to focus.
We have argued about it all many times and often he will get so upset and has said he is depressed and what's the point in carrying on.
So then I worry about him and what he might do.
Other times he gets angry and tells me I won't be happy on my own.
Years of been together and we have older children.
I do ask myself why I didn't leave when I had the chance when it all came to a head. I see myself as weak and incapable and the type to just put up with stuff.
I wish I could be more decisive.
My confidence and emotional state have been affected.