What's wrong with me?

[Mzleigh]

So I was dating a guy who recently dumped me because 'he doesn't want a relationship or love' this isn't the first time it's actually the second. When we first me I fell for him instantly he was funny charming attractive then after a few months of being close and spending most nights he began to withdraw not turning up and saying he fell asleep etc and one day turned up at 7pm when he said 2 pm and his phone had been off all day obviously I was a little mad but I tried not to show it tho I think it was quite obvious. Well anyway the nxt day he dropped me to shopping and I asked if he wanted me to cook him something for when he finished work he said yes so I cooked n waited and no show! He said he was tired. After this he avoided me all week and didn't show up once more before coming to my house while he was at work and taking his things and posting my keys no note explanation nothing I was heart broken. I wanted another chance at first so tried my best to rein in the crazy and wished him the best (he said he had to sort his shit out I assumed this was work etc) I started dating again and after a month he was back ! Telling me he caught feelings and got scared etc and liked me alot! I was so happy I immediately let him back in, one night he told me that due to past relationships he didn't think he would ever say the word love again and that he was cold hearted. I liked him so much I said it was fine I just enjoy ur company and tried to suppress my feelings and act 'cool' again we got close and it seemed better this time like he was showing more care and making an effort until boom he gets a job working away mon - Friday I was upset but he promised he will still see me sundays (he had his son Friday /sat and wouldn't let me meet him because he said his ex get jealous) the first 3 weeks he kept in touch popped in on fridays and spent all Sunday with me. I thought I could cope with it as he was worth it and I had fallen for him. I started to feel insecure with him being away and asked if he cared to which he replied 'I'm not one to fall in love but I'm fond of u' I was upset but brushed it off. As Valentine's Day was coming up whilst one night he was txting me drunk and telling me how much he liked me I asked if he could spend it with me to which he said of course !! (Baring in mind it was on a night he has his son) on the approach he kept telling me he would sort it etc and when the day came he popped in once he got back and gave me beautiful red roses I was so happy but he kept saying I'm not this kind of guy I'm cold hearted again I brushed it off and he promised to come back at 10 when his son went bed (his mom would baby sit) I waited and waited but no show. Nxt day he said he fell asleep and I would see him Sunday. Sunday cake he told me he was really ill so couldn't come so I said ok no problem. On Monday he goes to work and tells me he had been the hospital but his lie began unraveling and it was obvious he had been nowhere near one yet he was telling me his next appointment was Sunday (the only day I see him) I got angry and said it he couldn't make time for me we may aswell end it to which he replied 'no problem too much hassle' next day of course I regretted it and tried to make it right n he said he didn't want to hurt me and that he would come Sunday he's appointment was now sat (Yh right) by 3pm sun I hadn't heard so told him I deserved better and Monday he told me he doesn't want a relationship n ended it. I went no contact and the following Monday he txt to say my hair looked nice (I had it done) I just said ty and asked when he would collect his things. We arranged the weekend but he changed it to the one after. When I txt again he said he had been laid off work so whenever was ok to collect and had a nice convo with me but did say if another girl was what he wanted he would still be seeing me so the penny dropped he still didn't want me! I lost it and told him how much he had hurt me etc but he thinks it's ok cuz he told me he wouldn't say love again. Was I completely blind here? Was he too scared just to say no so just lied and ignored me instead. I'm so broken I let him do it again :( advice please

Also he still hasn't collected his things he said I could use it till I had finished watching a series but I said no just collect it I wanna just go, he replied 'want to get me out ur hair u mean' I told him I just want to move on why is he dragging this out????

I'm sorry OP I only read half.

There is nothing wrong with you apart from your boundaries, as soon as he started to mess you around that should of been it. You shouldn't have to pretend to be 'cool' with him being hours late and not committing.

Read up on attachment styles, boundaries and codependency. Work on yourself before getting involved with anyone.

He's dragging out because he wants a way back in.

You were cooking for him and I assume having sex with him, he wants to keep that option available.

Tell him if he doesn't collect it by -insert date soon at your convenience- it's going in the bin or post it too him.

He’s keeping you on the back burner. Sounds to me he has been dating other women in between seeing you.

You need to break it off unless you want to be his booty call for the next few years and dropped when he feels like dropping you.

Don’t bother texting him to make him understand, blokes like that don’t have any compassion or understanding, they are just out for what they can get and if someone gets hurt in the process, well it’s not their fault as they provided a disclaimer by saying they wouldn’t fall in love again.

You won’t have to change how you act for the right person, carry on being yourself and the right person will come along but it’s not this wet lettuce I’m afraid x

Tell him if he doesn't collect it by -insert date soon at your convenience- it's going in the bin or post it too him

Nah- that just keeps the door open.

Tell him his stuff is in the bin, and to never contact you again.

Block him, keep him blocked.

This man will mess you around for years if you let him. He has shown you numerous times that he has no respect- believe him. He has flat out told you he doesn't love you- believe him, and stop selling yourself the fantasy that he will change. He won't.

And by the way, men like that always have ex's that are " crazy".

Take heed OP

Oh OP, what a timewaster. You're right, you deserve more. Block on all fronts. xxxAnd on't let someone do this to you again, keep you waiting for hours etc.

Nothing wrong with you, other than you’re valuing your worth on the way someone else is treating you. That’s incorrect. You should remember you and your time/feelings are very valuable and not ever reflective of the way anyone else treats you.

Ah, "cold hearted" guy again.

OP, what was the advice you received last time?

Nothing wrong with you but this is a man who doesn't know what he wants and isn't ready to settle down. I'm glad you got your key back but why you gave him one I do not know (I'm presuming the relationship was not a very long one).

Most of us have to kiss a few frogs before we find a prince, don't worry. It's good that you've told him you want to move on, might be better for you to have his things delivered to him rather than him coming round to yours.

Better things are ahead.

He's an abusive prick!
The more shit you accept off of him the more he will push boundaries.
He has no respect for you .

You really need to build yourself up.

Bin his stuff and then bin him!

Check out these relationship coaches on YouTube:
Susan Winter
Matthew Hussey
Alex Cormont
Derrick Jaxn

The relationship lasted around 6 months the first time I had let him have a key as when I was at work and he was off he would stay at mine til I got back (he lives with his mum) I didn't give him a key the second time and I'm pretty sure the only reason he was planning to come the last Sunday he didn't show up was to sneak his things out (it's his PS4) but I kinda called him out on it as I expected this was his plan. I'm finding it hard to forget about him though I know he was using me for his own convenience now :( part of me wanted to try to be 'cool' thinkin one day he would fall for me and would want to commit I feel so silly now :( well I told him to collect his stuff on Friday but have stupidly deleted any way of contacted him so I hope he turns up just want him out of my life. Thank you for you kind words xx

Please be kind to yourself, work on your boundaries and self confidence.
You dodged a bullet because he sounds like an absolute prick!

It a copy of Why men prefer bitches, it’s an old book, but has some interesting concepts!

Look at your parents and what you learnt when you were young!!was your mum too accommodating with your dad.
Look at attachment styles.
Learn to know yourself better and what red flags to look out for in relationships!
Well done for blocking and deleting him. If he doesn’t come back for his PS4 , stick it on EBay and treat yourself to something nice with the proceeds!

Buy a copy of ....

What is wrong with you? Your boundaries and expectations of a relationship are way too low, and that needs to change or else you will keep meeting these sorts of losers. He is a loser because he does not respect your time and effort. You should respect your time and your effort, even if he does not. When someone turns up late, or not at all...without good explanation...it means they don't value you as a person, and they are selfish/ abusive to the core. Not very good long-term partnership qualities at all. His compliments about your hair, and token gestures are just superficial ways to manipulate you into remaining an option for him. When men are interested in you seriously, they express this through their behaviour as much as their words. Stop wasting your time on him, learn to say no to everyone who treats you badly and never give any man a second chance to disrespect you. He showed you who he is, and did you a favour really as he is a time waster. Ditch his stuff outside because he will turn up on a rainy day to 'collect' it...or rather attempt to reign you back in.

This man was testing you and seeing just how much shitty treatment you would take in order to appear laid back. He was manipulating you. When someone treats you badly and you try to pretend you aren't annoyed with them etc because you want to seem impressive and cool to them that's extremely toxic. You allowed your boundaries to be pushed and broken more and more by this pathetic excuse for a man and as such he continued to test you and treat you badly.
Move on, lick your wounds, and before you get involved with anyone else decide what your boundaries are, what you will and won't accept and stick to it.

Was I completely blind here?
Yes you were.
He told you and he showed you exactly who he was.
He made it very clear.
But you kept hoping it wasn't true and that you could change him.
You can't.
Next time someone tells who they are..... listen and believe them.
Loads of red flags here and you ignored them all.
Lesson learned.
Don't allow yourself to be treated like this ever again!

Wow I downloaded the audio book and it's completely changed how I feel. It's him to a tea and I feel such a fool! But now I've got an insight I know I won't let him back in! Life changer ty @Lostlittlesoull and ty for all ur comments I feel so mich stronger to move on to bigger and better things xxx

Well done Mzleigh.

Was I completely blind here? not so much blind, as deaf. He told you clearly what was going to happen but it sounds like you didnt want to hear it, so ignored it.

I really hope next time you take the person at his word! Listen when people tell you what they are like...

I'm glad you found the book helpful. The Baggage Reclaim site in general is a good read for someone like you, who tends (i would say) to imagine what she wants to hear, vs. Listening to what is actually being said. All the best. Next time you'll have learned from your mistake and hopefully you'll protect your heart better.

He did play games tho calling me a keeper buying me flowers on Valentine's Day etc but now I realise this was just hot/cold behaviour and I was holding onto these 'bingo moments' and ignoring his obvious unavailablity, I called him out on these mixed signals but he shrugged them off 'I told u I was cold hearted' all good tho I feel on the mend! I will be closing the door firmly. If he does not collect his PS4 or contact me that is his problem. He thinks leaving it at mine keeps his foot in the door I'm not daft. More fool him, as I will get rid lol x

Suppose surprise he ain't got in touch for his things 🙄🙄

Oh, as I understand you. I was afraid to be alone, then courage appeared. Gone from my husband. And even with a child, I manage to experience new feelings for new men thanks
www.iwantdating.com/