Just So Sad - End of Relationship

[DoingItWithGutso]

Changed name for this.

Married 12 years - together 15 - discovered OH is habitual liar - lied to me regularly throughout our whole time together. Starting with 'simple' lies about how long he was out drinking with the boys on work trips; gradually escalating to flirting with female colleagues and apparently a 'close call' with nearly being unfaithful when our youngest was a newborn. All came to a head about 5 years ago when we emigrated - I discovered messages on family iPad he'd accidentally linked to his email account.

I've struggled on - trying to give our youngest the dream life that emigration promised - and it has worked out in that respect - their education is fabulous, growing up in a beautiful place.

OH has made almost no effort to try and fix things between us and I've had enough and am going home soon. Youngest child wants to be back near older siblings, who are older with their own children now. So we are going back. I've left it too long already.

How do I get over the feeling of such sadness at the end of my marriage - such deep sadness that he was never the person I thought he was - that he's not my friend, he has disrespected me and been disloyal to me. That he didn't deserve my trust. How could I have been so stupidly blind to how he was treating me.

He's made no attempt to try and fix things - I feel like he's waiting for me to go so he can be the heartbroken abandoned husband.

Why is it so hard to walk away and stop hoping he will beg me to stay. How do I find the strength to see this through?

Think about a time before you'd ever met him...and were happy. Think about that time...who you were. That person is still inside you...you're you...you're not defined by him or by the relationship you had with him.

He sounds like a prize wanker tbh OP. And I dont' want to make you feel worse but that story about the close call...it wasn't a close call at all.

He sounds like a born liar and you don't need him any more. Your new life is starting.

I'm following Op because I need similar advice. I am leaving with the knowledge it won't get any better. It's over. Whatever you had before has gone. I have to make my move soon though and I'm ready for the begging. He is a liar, about many things including an OW. Don't look back OP. Look forward.

It’s natural to feel sad during such times. Natural. So don’t fight it I would say. One way to see it: think of sadness as a companion who wants to walk along with you for a while. He is not trying to hurt you. He is trying to protect you, understand you, care for you during a difficult time. Let him and try and be at peace with him whilst he is with you and trying to help you.

You could even have a short conversation with ‘him’ (the sadness) at the beginning of each day. He will be present when needed but will move away as time goes by and other feelings come by. I am sorry to hear of your experience, sounds so difficult, try to give yourself lots of slack and some space at these times, that’s all you can do and allow the healing to slowly take root.