Alcohol

[Clifton1]

Hi everyone, so my partner and I have been together 6 years. We probably both drank a little too much before I found out I was pregnant. Maybe 2-3 times a week.
Now that i am pregnant, I notice this a lot more in him, I thought he may have cut down a bit with me not being able to. My priorities have completely changed and to be honest I find it really off putting when I’m at work or chilling out at home he is drinking. He doesn’t drink too much around me but when we are not together he does.
We don’t live together at the moment I’m still at home but are planning on moving in within the next few months. I can’t see me wanting to do that when he’s drinking this much. As well, he found out some really heart breaking news two weeks ago so his drinking has upped. He even drank for 24 hours on two occasions, sleeping in between. I told him how it is making me feel and how it’s almost like alcoholic tendencies to sleep then wake up and continue drinking. I’m really worried as I’ve told him how much this upsets me and while he has made certain limitations I don’t feel he is valuing my opinion and feelings as much as he should be. For example tonight on the phone he said he was going to have a drink, I immediately said it’s late, pointless and expressed it makes me upset and worried that he will go on a binge for 24 hours..
he has reassured me he won’t but I’m finding it hard to believe him. I got upset on the phone and he actually said I was emotionally blackmailing him and rushed off the phone before the shop shut. I should be able to tell him if something is upsetting me. I don’t know how much longer I can do This I’m starting to really worry.
Plus with his drinking at the moment probably being around 4 times a week- that’s 4 times a week he’s unavailable if anything was to happen! He has even rang in sick twice in the last 3 weeks because of his drinking which he never does!!
This should be a lovely happy time and all I can feel is anxious and worried about his drinking.
Am I being too harsh? I don’t know what my next steps are 😔

Is he worried about the changing status of your relationship? I’m not excusing him at all by the way. Could that be why he’s drinking this much? He sounds like he’s trying to push you away. Sorry I know you don’t want to hear that

He's got a problem with alcohol. Anyone who drinks for 24 hours with a sleep in the middle of it has a problem. Please don't move in with him. You need to care for your baby. He will drag you down and you'll resent him and be unable to afford to move out again.

Wouldn't move in

@Aminuts23 I’ve had that conversation with him and said I feel he wants me to end up leaving him!! He got really upset and said that’s the last thing he wants and that he wants to change and knows he drinks too much etc. The question is, will he, or will he carry on the way he is despite me telling him how it makes me feel !

He needs to address his problem with alcohol before you live together. I’m sorry for your situation, it must be very hard

I wouldn’t move in either. To be it sounds like he enjoys the lifestyle too much and even when the baby is here it doesn’t sound like he’s going to have an epiphany and change. He sounds like he’s on a downward spiral and from my own experience with this you cannot make him change he has to do it himself so in the mean time look after yourself and your little one. Maybe stepping back from him might make him realise what he could lose and he might then get the help he needs in the form of AA meetings or making an appointment with a doctor.

It is 😫 I’ve spoke to him tonight and said I won’t even consider moving in with him until his alcohol habits change dramatically. I won’t bring a baby up in that environment. I also said it’s a worry as 35 weeks plus I’ll need him to be on hand incase anything was to happen! I can’t trust him to be there if he’s under the influence x

Have family on standby. Don’t rely on someone who can’t be trusted to stay sober at such an important time

What was his reaction to you laying out those very clear boundaries? Well done for doing that by the way

@ThisSistineWontScreamAtItself he was really apologetic and said he will show me that it’s going to change. He has arranged to see a councillor last week which is a huge step and his first appointment is tomorrow, I have everything crossed that he actually goes and doesn’t just go off on a binge again. He’s been asleep now for a few hours so I’m just dreading him waking up and drinking again. Suppose I’ll know soon.
Thank you!!

Well done OP for staying strong and setting some solid boundaries. That is an enormously important thing to do and a lot of people let those boundaries crumble in the face of a drinker’s promises and excuses. If you can keep them strong, you are protecting you and your baby but also doing the one thing you can to help him, which is firmly pushing responsibility back to him, where it belongs.

He may or may not have reached an alcoholic level, but a good counsellor with addiction experience (VERY important) will be able to advise. Either way, there are frantically waving red flags in what you say and he is certainly on a slippery slope. On a positive note, the chances of successful recovery tend to be better in the early stages.

Stay strong, look after yourself and look forward to the arrival of your baby. Your DP can and must be responsible for himself. Best of luck!

Thank you for your advice!! It is really hard but I love him very much and hoping this is a blip. Like I said it’s only been the last 2/3 weeks after he was told something very difficult to grasp, so I can sympathise but your right I have my baby to think about. He had his first session with the councillor and seems a lot more positive. Fingers crossed x

Do you love him or are you confusing that with codependency?

Stick to your guns here; do not ever move him with him and consider too giving this child your surname rather than his. Your own self and your unborn child are your priority now; not he. He is responsible for his own self here.

This is not a blip from him, he has long term issues with alcoholism and I think he will choose to keep on drinking. One session with a counsellor really amounts to nothing here.

OP, please stick to your guns here. From what you have written, this isn’t just a blip. It sounds like he’s reacted to bad news by intensifying an existing drink problem. That is very typical of an alcoholic personality. The point is, you have some massive, massive red flags waving at you here and a chance to avoid you and your baby getting sucked into a nasty situation. It’s great he’s gone to see a counsellor but that is a consequence of your strong boundaries. Don’t let them fall. If you do, aLcoholism will trample them like a heard of elephants. I totally agree with Attila, one counselling session is nothing. Six months of counselling sessions is more what you are looking for as a sign of genuine intent.
Stay strong and best of luck.

I really hope the counselling works for him.
Would he agree to go to AA meetings?
They could help him massively with this problem.
You may also benefit from contacting Al-Anon.
But I agree with others, until he has sorted this out, do not move in with him.

No absolutely love and adore him! And will support him as much as I can however yous are right I won’t move in with him I need to think of myself and the baby and I will not bring a baby into that environment.
alcohol has never appeared to be a ‘problem’ as such. We would maybe have wine and a meal mid week then probably a heavier drink on a weekend, like a Friday he might have 8-10 cans. I never identified this as a problem but In this last few weeks I feel he has been using alcohol as a coping mechanism. He has arranged to see said counsellor fortnightly so it’s a start, he’s admitted he has a problem so that’s a start! Will chat about potential alcohol clinics/AA. Thanks for your advice and support xxxx

8 or 10 cans is a lot OP. If it’s lager it’s likely 20-25 units, in one go.

As someone who ignored all the signs of alcoholism in my XH, I urge you to be very cautious. in my experience alcoholism is like a balloon. They can deflate the drinking for a while but it creeps up again, and like blowing up a balloon, the more it’s stretched, the easier it’ll blow back up again, and the easier it is to blow more air into it.

I left my XH in the end, for many reasons, his alcoholism being only one of them. My DS has had to watch his father deteriorate further and further into the drink, and the damage that’s caused is irreparable. The damage caused by bringing a child up in the vicinity of an alcoholic isn’t necessarily apparent at the time but it is happening. Please don’t put your child through that. It’s taken a lot of pain and hard work to get my DS into a good place, and even just seeing his father out and about can undo all that work in a second. The scars never heal so please don’t let them be inflicted in the first place.

Did your XH ever stop fully drinking or does he still drink now ? How much was he drinking per week? xx