I don't want to discuss this with brother

[Effinfamily]

I am doing a dna test to find any previously unknown family members on my paternal side. My brother is almost 4 years older than me and definitely the 'bossy' one. He won't listen to any of my opinions and I'm worn down by his bullying.

There are a few reasons I want to do the dna test but the main two are to try to locate my father's paternal family (illegitimate, young mother with much older married father) and find any siblings (he was not faithful).

I have no intention of telling him and even if I find relatives I won't be discussing it with him, but, I can't help but feel anxious about him finding out.

My husband is trying to dissuade me due to my brothers nastier traits but I don't think he needs to know.

Have any of you done this? Any advice?

I am aware that I may find no-one (either they don't exist or haven't registered their own dna). I have already done a long line of both my paternal grandmother's fathers side and my mother's paternal side of the family with some fascinating discoveries.

No experience, but it's no one's business but your own. Your brother sounds awful and i wouldn't be in touch with a bully out of choice. Cut down contact with him.

Thank you for taking time to answer; it was a bit quiet here 🙄

I have used work for a contact address ( checked it was OK) and made a new email just for the results so no one need know except me.

Would love to hear other people's experiences

Unfortunately the 30 days board often can be. Which of course is a pain if you want people to answer, but you don't want it to stay here forever. Bet you'd get lots of answers in Relationships or similar.

Good luck with it all.

Thank you Mrs Jones, I'll see if they can move it to relationship board.

I've done this, my mum had a closed adoption and I have so far found one grandparent and been in touch with a first cousin who was very shocked that granddad cheated on grandma.

You don't know that you will for sure find any family or that any family you find will be open to contact, so the issue might not arise.

You should give yourself an anonymous user name on the DNA site you are on, also, on ancestry at least I believe you can hide your status from others permanently or temporarily, so you would see your matches but they wouldn't see you. The only way your brother can stumble into this is if he tests so these steps would protect you.

If new found family members want to contact him, ?I guess you have to manage that one,,,

I think you need to consider the long term.

Suppose you find some cousins (distant or otherwise) and you get in touch, and they ask "Do you have any other siblings?" Are you going to lie and say "no" or tell the truth and say "yes but he's a bullying cunt so I won't pass on your details"?

I have used work for a contact address

Why? Does your brother come round to your house and read your post? You seem to be running scared of him, and I'd suggest thinking about your motivation for doing this search - is it from sorrow that your brother is so toxic and you're trying to replace those close family links?

Why the cloak and dagger? Does your brother live with you? Does he barge into your house and read your post and go into your emails? If he does, you have a much bigger problem and you really need to get some boundaries in place.

If it's your dh you're hiding it from, is he also a bully?

Have you heard of the grey rock technique? It’s a way of communicating with a toxic person and protect yourself at the same time.

Also look at the stately homes thread. It will give you more strategies.