Is this OK or am I missing something?

[OnANeedToKnowBasis]

I've been through a strange, upsetting experience. In my case it was because of a female co worker of my DH. They shared an office for a year before she got made redundant and I sort of knew they were friends (He even told me they had a flirty friendship - but I thought our marriage was strong and laughed it off). However, I got a very bad feeling about her on the rare occasions I would be at a work gathering with my DH. She would only greet me politely then wander off. I noticed that she never spoke to my DH in front of me. I talked about this with him and he seemed to understand. He said he'd be careful around her.

The following year he got a new job but his small group of friends from his previous workplace (including her and me), met up a couple of times a year. After about 18mths we were all having Xmas drinks and another friend mentioned he hadn't seen her since a lunch with her and my DH. She immediately tried to shush him as if it was a secret. It turned out my DH had been emailing her from work 2 or 3 times a week.

I knew nothing about it. They were just chat and industry gossip but it was in secret. He claims to have no idea why she thought it was secret. He admits that he knew that she fancied him and flirted with him a lot when they first met but they were just friends. He never spent time alone with her but the whole situation has caused many problems. Mostly the secrecy and of course the fact that she thought it was secret, him claiming he has no idea why she would think that, other than "perhaps she hoped it was because she wanted more". I feel really uneasy about these coincidences. Should I believe it was just a friendship?

No, that’s not ok. He needs to stop this friendship, it’s crossing your personal boundaries. If he loves and respects you, he’ll do that.

I agree, he needs to put you first and remove her from his friendship group

No you're not missing anything. You're seeing quite clearly that your husband has stayed in regular contact with a woman he knows you were concerned about.that he KNOWS fancies him and has flirted with him..and kept it quiet so you looked like a right mug at xmas drinks with all the "ssshh" going on from this women.

I'd hit the fucking roof.

2/3 times a week is a LOT. The secrecy is out of order and your DH KNOWS this. Dont buy his act, as if he didnt have a clue!! I bet theres more to this. Sorry OP

Thanks @bogoffwinter He has now dropped the friendship and told the others he will only socialise without her presence.

And you believe him ? He has to be TOLD to stop?

Pah. He knew he shouldn't have been messaging a woman that hes admitted he knows fancies him and who has caused "many issues" (your words OP) in your relationship. Hes been chatting to her very regularly up until recently and you were none the wiser and he knew full well you wouldn't like it and that it was inappropriate.

So now he says he'll stop. And you just accept that and move on?

I wouldn't trust a word he says. Good luck with him OP x

Ha, yes I did hit the roof. He has dropped her but is the type of man who initially thought it was ok because he wasn't attracted to her so wouldn't sleep with her. Keeping secrets seemed unimportant...until now. She does seem very manipulative. During the initial flirting when she first met him she told him she thought her boyfriend was more suited to her friend (read, I'm not that into him and can be available). On another occasion when they were alone in the office she tried to tell some "story" about a "friend" who was attracted to a married man but didn't know if she should have an affair when she wanted a relationship and asked him what he thought. I think it was to get conversation going in that direction. He probably didn't say much, it isn't the sort of thing he engages with but tbh, when he told me that I wanted to strangle her!! He is sorry, it's just wondering why she behaved as if it was a secret. Maybe she was being predatory and trying to cause trouble. Whatever, I'll give her trouble if I ever see her again. I have had access to his email account and she's been blocked. So we'll see...

Little bitch! Definitely trying it on.

You know your husband OP, and if you think it's her being a little hussy rather than any wrong doing on his part.... apart from the messages....then maybe it will be ok.

But he needs to be transparent with you, 100% and make not clear to this woman that he is NOT interested ! What reason did he give her for suddenly ending the friendship, do you know ? X

mamato3lads, he told her it was because of her behaviour at the Xmas drinks. He's also said the same to their mutual friends. We've been married 25 yrs and this is genuinely the first time anything like this has come up. I think he was just selfishly revelling in the attention but she's not young (46 - only a few years younger than me), never married and no children so behaves like a child. He seems somewhat embarrassed and says he feels manipulated but I still don't know whether that is him playing innocent or if it's true.

This woman sounds like a nightmare. If your husband is a stand up guy then this girl was purposely trying to get under your skin and make you worry because she's a childish home wrecker with a crush.
Confront her! The sooner you do the sooner she will stop keeping you up at night and be the topic of you and your husbands conversation and thoughts.

I wouldn't confront her- that would be giving her far too much significance, and would quite likely lead her to believe she was in with a chance.

He's blocked her: the situation is dealt with. Move on.

Thanks for your insight everyone. Yes, now she's blocked I hope that's the end of it. She's a bit of a drama queen so might make something of it but hopefully that's all.