Second wife

[Ididit2019]

If you were the second wife/new partner, how long was it before you realised the reasons why your partners previous relationship broke up wasn't because of her as he initially suggested (through snippets of information not the usual slagging off of the ex which I know is a red flag) but actually because of his abusive tendencies.

Mine has become apparent after 10 months but probably only because I had a much hotter radar than I would've if it hadn't been for my own abusive ex.

So not an exhusband but live in partner, about a year. He was amazing for the first year. For the next two he was an absolute nightmare. Alcoholic and emotionally abusive/ threatened me with physical abuse on multiple occasions. Few people are awful straight off. Also, normal people don’t talk badly of their exes, unless given very good reason to.

Please get out of there if he is giving you red flags.

It took me way tooooo long to realise - you know that abusive men very rarely change op? I guess the question is how much are you prepared to put up with? Good luck. I am mid divorce to an abusive and it's pretty unpleasant

First wife, second wife or tenth wife. If you notice abusive tendancies get out.

Sorry I wasn't clear. I have already ended it but it just got me thinking that if he had hid it for longer I could have ended up marrying him. Like ednatheevilwitch says these abusive people don't change but do they learn just to surpress it a bit longer. I wonder how many people become the second wife only to realise what the first wife had to endure and the truth of what ended it.

Not many I'd imagine OP. I dont know many women who get to know their husbands ex wife well enough to have these kinds of chats and even if they did, and she did give a warning, it would be ignored anyway and classed as sour grapes.

I don't think that'a what OP was saying, she was saying the man spins a story about how awful the ex wife was and how he was a victim and overtime it becomes apparent that would not have been the case.

mamato3lads exactly do they initially also belive the wife was at fault but slowly once the new partner becomes more comfortable/less pretence then it becomes a slow realisation of what the ex put up with. My question is two pronged I guess, one because of my new relationship (but I was always heightened to any thing he said due to my past experience) and two because of my ex. The ow was smug and said I obviously didn't meet his needs, he was unhappy because i didnt show him enough love etc. I wonder if she also has or will start to realise what he is too.

MYSONISALSONAMEDBORT thank you that's exactly what I was trying to say!

Just be glad you wised up and are out of it! Hopefully the ow will have better luck - but I doubt it, poor woman.

I left my abusive stbxh after nearly 3 years. I believe he was abusive to his xw but it was complicated by the fact she is also abusive which I'm thinking must be quite rare. I also heard on a video about covert narcissists that they actually get worse in middle age and can't cover it as well. His behaviour definitely escalated over the time he was abusing me. So pleased for women who have left

Sadly it took me marriage and a child to realise! I've been out some years now and he's on his 3rd wife 😀

Not long after our wedding the personality changed even though we'd been together for many years prior having experienced no where near the level of issues which 'came out ' after the marriage . He is an addict - well was a ' recovering one ' decided that being Married now gave him licence to drink heavily , take class A drugs become coercive controlling and behave like a caveman saying things like ' your wife shouldn't disrespect you ' ' your wife should do this and that and basically your wife should have no life ' and much much worse This guy is not a young man either ( not that that makes any difference ) he is well into his 50s - he began to look and behave like an old ' has been ' you know like one of these old drunken animalistic celebrity types - Gazza , George Best etc . Only without the cash and spent all our money on his addictions . I was embarrassed of him and by him every time we went out so we became isolated due to his behaviours . We are currently separated and he is in treatment - I remain completely shocked by the complete change once the marriage had happened and absolutely gutted at the impact on myself and my children - everyone tells me it's an illness and was not the ' real ' him but I can't see past the selfishness and continuous deceit and betrayal of this cocklodger !! So wish we hadn't got married and feel completely fooled