Attacked with knife.

[Emmaclark701]

I don’t know why I’m posting really, I suppose just for clarification that I haven’t lost my mind and they are totally crackers.

So in January my mum and myself got in to a bit of a disagreement at my mums house - my dad was home and drunk and got involved and took it from a disagreement to an argument he then out the blue tried to punch me and then tried to punch my partner - my partner just ducked and laughed at him and we left abruptly and went home .

We have a 5 year old son and we were home about 5 minutes and started making dinner when our back door flew open and it was my dad with a knife and tried to attack us my partner managed to get a hold of him (while his hand was being slit open) and pushed him out the back door which I shut and locked - we have steps at our back door so my dad fell and split his head open and apparently hurt his face

We phoned the police and an ambulance and while this was going on my mum came down and started shouting abuse at us saying how dare we have pushed him out etc and saying it was all my partners fault - my dad was arrested and is out on bail but due in court at some point.

Since then we haven’t heard from anyone apart from my brother who calls or texts one a week to see if my mum can see my son (he isn’t allowed in the house or any where near my dad so she takes him for a McDonald’s or something and then my brother bring him back) we have seen on fb the rest of the family going on days out etc with him acting like happy family’s.

I also heard a rumour in a taxi that he is saying he got in to a fight with my partner who done the damage to his head etc when my partner never laid a finger on him when most men would have.

I’m so embarrassed about it all so just kept silent trying to act like it didn’t happen but I feel so alone I have no family and feel like I have lost my mind because I don’t understand how they can just act like we have done something wrong and he has done nothing wrong?

I also confronted my brother about the fact he only contacts me about my mum seeing our son and is away on days out with my dad a week after he attacked us - he just said he doesn’t want to be stuck in the middle and then hung up on me but I never hear from him and he’s out with my dad acting like he’s done nothing wrong so I don’t think that being in the middle I would say that’s for my picking a side.

When we were younger a lot of things like this happened as he drank a lot and my mum just sat back and watched it but he hasn’t been like this for a few years.

I am so anxious and feel so alone I have my partner and kids and they are everything to me but I am constantly scared that something will happen to him and I will have literally no one in the world.

My mum has never really had any loyalty to me and would stick up for a stranger before she would ever stick up for me and has some Unjustified issue with my partner(when it suits her, when she wants something from him though she’s the loving mother in law) to be honest she has had an issue with every person in my life who isn’t direct family.

Am I going mad?

Emma DOn't do that to yourself. Your son is 5, he will move very easily, especially if you can make it seem like a happy thing, new house, new friends, new room etc. He will settle in to a new school with greater ease than you think.

You do not have to be held captive by those thoughts you are having. Social services didn;t say you MUST continue their contact, and they won't! Nobody would consider you stopping contact a bad thing, given what has happened. Nobody that matters and is thinking straight!

Move, if you think it would make your life easier, afer, less fraught!

I'd move just because it is the sensible thing to do... get as far away as you can and live without all that angst!

I’m just a mum trying my best and taking the advice of professionals in regards to my son seeing my mum

Did your son witness the shouting, stabbing and pushing?

I would love to stop him seeing her but as advised it would need to be a gradual thing which we are working towards and moving home or school can’t happen over night

He didn’t witness it thankfully

OP I'm really sorry to hear about this. Have you had any support from Victim Support? What's going on regarding the court case? Are you expected to give evidence and, if so, do you have help and support with that?

It sounds as though you've had a very tough upbringing and this is one in a long line of family incidents. Your father sounds completely insane and very dangerous and I'm sorry to hear your mother has never taken your side. That's very sad to hear.

You seem to be trying to do the best you can under very difficult circumstances and are here, trying to work through your feelings and process it all.

Thank you @12345kbm

It all depends on my dad, if he pleads guilty we don’t have to give evidence but if he pleads not guilty we will.

We have had no support at all and we even had to phone the police to find out what was happening with things as we have heard nothing since.

My upbringing had its ups and down and when I was younger I didn’t see how bad it actually was as it was just normal to me but now I am an adult and have met my partner and now can see what a loving family home is and I now see how bad it was.

I met my partner who has a great career is a great dad and is such an amazing man and we have never even raised our voices in front of our son I genuinely think my mum is jealous which is why she has a problem with my partner because any other mum would be happy that I have a loving home.

Of course she should, she should absolutely glow with pride to see her beautiful daughter and how well she's done for herself. I'm really pleased for you that you have such a happy home life now and are breaking the cycle for your children.

Here are some organisations to try for support and advocacy.

Try Victim Support as they can explain the court process to you, provide support and counselling and signpost you to relevant agencies.

If you are needed for court then you can contact the Witness Support Service which is run by the CABx. They support you through the court process. You can see more info here.

You may also find Nacoa helpful which is an organisation for adult children of alcoholics. They have a helpline and run support groups.

Thank you @12345kbm that’s really helpful and kind

I would echo earlier comments that just because social services say there’s no issue for them if your mum sees your son, that doesn’t mean you have to allow it. The stately homes thread would be worth looking at for you. It sounds like you’re not living in FOG and the rest of the family is still under the weird bullying spell of your dad’s behaviour and temper.

People move away from their families all the time. Yes, it's hard on the children but children cope if their primary carers are there.

And this bit in your post: "My mum has never really had any loyalty to me and would stick up for a stranger before she would ever stick up for me and has some Unjustified issue with my partner(when it suits her, when she wants something from him though she’s the loving mother in law) to be honest she has had an issue with every person in my life who isn’t direct family." makes me think it is the very best thing you can do for your family - and by that, I mean you, your partner and your child.

When you have been brought up in an abusive home like you have, it's very difficult to recognise all the lesser bits of abuse - the bits that aren't about knife-wielding or feeling like you might be about to be physically hurt another way. But the emotional toll it takes on you is just as hard and they all contribute.

But you have recognised you grew up in an abusive home. Well done - that's a huge step. Huge! Unfortunately, social services are overworked and underpaid and don't have the time or energy to deal with all the foundations that underpin physical abuse. Your mum is colluding with your dad and everyone else in your family is supporting his behaviour. Despite what social services might say, This. Is. Not. Normal. and you and your family do not have to put up with it.

Your son will thrive away from this abusive atmosphere. While it might not be obvious, there will be lots and lots of little ways that your siblings have become complicit in your dad's abuse. Get your child out. He deserves a childhood far, far away from this kind of life.

Give yourself permission to do this.

Hi OP. I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. I also would be thinking about stopping contact with your DM. How on Earth she can justify your DFs behaviour is terrible. He came to your home with a knife! A knife!!!!! What was his intention? Unbelievable!
OP I am also coming to terms as an adult with how abusive my childhood was. Not all of the time by any means but enough so that I now realised I lived on eggshells all of the time. It’s a crushing realisation when it happens. In mine it was my DF being emotionally abusive. My DM didn’t protect me from it but she is doing much better at defending her family now that she’s a GM.
What resonated with me is the knowledge that your parent would never defend you or stick up for you. Mine neither. He badmouths me to other people then tells me what they’ve said about me. All he is achieving by doing this is slowly destroying me. It’s all lies and he’s the one who knows me!
Anyway! What I’m rambling about is you can’t change your parents but you can change how you deal with them. If you don’t think your son is physically and emotionally safe with your DM then you need to protect him. Don’t be scared by what SS said. You are the mother. The worst that can happen is that she’ll apply to court. SS have an opinion, that is all. You and your DP are his parents. If you told the court the full story they might have a different opinion to SS. They often do

OP - how awful for you and your family. Perhaps get some therapy to work through your feelings and how to put some healthy boundaries in place could help?

Emmaclark701 in your OP you ask if you're going mad. Quite the opposite. Every time you post it becomes more obvious that you are admirably sane, reflective and responsible.You're also obviously devoted to your son and partner.. You've built a wonderful life for yourselves.

Do you realize what an achievement that is? You'd expect someone coming from your background to be as dysfunctional as the rest of your family. Many congratulations. You're a

Just KOKO. Take it a day at a time. You need to get through the court case. Then you can reassess the situation. Eventually you may decide to cut off your family completely. You may decide to move. But you don't need to decide anything now.

Op the advice from the social worker isn't binding. They've advised you that they think it's safe - all that means is they don't think he's at risk from your mum and that they are happy if you want to maintain that relationship for him, ie they're reassuring you that you won't get into trouble for her seeing him. It doesn't mean that you're duty bound to do it, or that you can't amend your decision as the situation progresses. I would imagine that when looking at the benefit to your son of seeing his gran they'll also be weighing up the impact of contact stopping immediately without warning, which of course is something to avoid if possible. However you're still very much entitled to use your judgement about how to handle things as the situation progresses. That could include a winding down of contact and an age appropriate explanation, especially if its looking likely your going to have to pull back from the wider family because of lack of support/acknowledgement.

I'm sorry you're in this situation it sounds really hard.

Where are your husband’s parents? Perhaps they could step in?

You could change schools and it won’t affect your son long term.

Grandparents don't have rights of access unless Court granted. You can stop any of your family seeing your DC.

OP you sound lovely and I'm so very sorry you are having to go through all this. I wouldn't want my son to see his GM in this case, but can understand that as he wants to see her it would upset him. Maybe put a longer time between the visits and see how that works, and I really would think about moving away at some stage. Give it some thought, don't rush into anything. Your family sound toxic.

That's just the advice of one social worker It isn't binding and you have no obligation to let her see him at all. I think you need to try and think about how this will all affect your son as he grows up as part of such a toxic family. He's only 6. He'll make new friends. I think you need to move as far away as possible. This situation is only going to get worse.

You must seriously think about moving away. It may prove disruptive for your son in the short term but he will adjust.

and keep your doors locked, else you are laying yourselves open to criminal invasion, as on this occasion.
good luck.

You're continuing to live in your mother's orbit so the idea of cutting these toxic people out of your life can feel really daunting. It seems much of their behaviour has been normalised through years of her not protecting her children. Stop contact with your parents (including for DS) and stop contact with your DB if all he wants is to pester for your mum to have access to DS. Move far away and leave all this drama behind. It's not normal to have your dad burst through your back door with a knife. I know you know that. You want your DS to be settled but I wouldnt want that amount of physical proximity to my mother with her coming to his school regularly given the situation. The book 'the book you wish your parents had read' is great for looking at breaking bad parenting legacies and toxic cycles. Also I work in SS and all they were doing is assessing potential risk to your DS probably just based on conversation with your mum. They have no further involvement with you so it's up to you what you do now. I would so a midnight flit to a new house in a new place. Change your number, move on with your little family. Your mum will make you out to be the bad guy here including to your son. You know she is emotionally abusive and would fail to protect him from harm (she doesn't seem to care her daughter was attacked with a knife!). DS is young and will make a home wherever you go.

The only thing YABU about is letting your mum see your son. Your family sound so unhinges that it’s verging on irresponsible you facilitating a relationship between them.

Of course it's not you. xx You have all the evidence in front of you that it's them.

Moving away and starting a new life away from them sounds a good idea. At 5 your ds will not find it too hard to make friends in a new school. This