Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this harassment?

9 replies

mumoftwoplus1 · 09/03/2020 11:47

Not sure where else to post this. Thanks for reading in advance! Please bear with me it's a long read but all details are needed and necessary

Back story - My nearly 9 year olds dad left me when I was 6 months pregnant, saying we just weren't compatible and that I shouldn't worry as he'll help financially with the child when born and help with buying what is needed before that. (He was actually cheating on me)

Then he changed his mind and decided he didn't want to help buy anything for the baby before DC arrives. I was 24 at the time and not in the best situation financially or in the job I wanted to be in so really needed the help. He then went on to tell me that once baby arrives, he'll be having contact every weekend without fail and if I dare stop that, he will take me to court and make sure I never receive a single penny in maintenance. He's a charmer. When I met him I was in my early twenties and he was 10 years older, I was definitely intimidated by him Sad

By the time DC was 1, I'd lost count of how many times he'd reminded me that his sister and brother in law were lawyers (you know, just to keep me in check) and I'd lost count of how many times he'd threatened me with court.

By the time DC was two, exp had refused to bring DC home to me after contact, told me he would take me to court yet again if I didn't do as he said, withheld Child maintenance payments if he saw fit, and told me he would be going for full custody, yes - he's that obnoxious I think he believed that could actually happen!

When DC was 3, I had some amazing advice from loads of people on here about his behaviour and we ended up in court to get a formal agreement, which he lost out on of course as I was far too reasonable and allowing exp to have DC EVERY weekend, and chose to work weekends to reduce my childcare costs but when I landed my dream job, that had to change and exp was not agreeable to me spending anytime with DC at the weekends (rolls eyes).

When DC was 5 years old we were at court again because I was now mon-fri 9-5 and exp was being completely unreasonable and not agreeing to give up any weekends with DC, but expected me to work 9-5 Monday to Friday, have all the midweek drudgery of school runs before and after work, homework/discipline etc then never see my child on my days off!!

Since then he collected DC from school early when it wasn't his weekend and played a few other tricks so the last time we were at court was 2018 and what I had hoped to be the last time.

If you're still reading...thank you Smile

FWIW, when I was working part time and then full time, I would ALWAYS offer exp every single bank holiday with DC as my parents weren't around etc, and often only had two weeks with DC in the summer holidays as that's all the annual leave I could take! It killed me not seeing DC but in a way worked out well for me too as I got to progress my career whilst saving on childcare so although I missed out on a lot of quality time with DC which I HATED, and it really hurt, we are now in a very good and financially stable place.

I cannot begin to tell you the stress exp has put me in over the years and the upset he has caused me. I was thoroughly depressed and couldn't get out of bed some days feeling paralysed with fear and stress over all his constant threats. Now looking back I feel really annoyed at myself for believing him and being SO threatened by him as now I see him for what he is....a narcissistic bully who will say anything to be in control. But I am a lot older and wiser now.

But he is STILL constantly threatening me with court action! It's unbelievable! Last month he wanted to take me to court over a haircut. Yes a haircut! He's not happy that my husband cuts his hair. He clearly feels threatened by my husband but that is his own problem.

I was happy to spilt all holidays between us, so the current set up is that exp gets half of all school holidays plus EOW from after school on Friday til 6pm on Sunday. He also collects DC from school every Wednesday, takes DC for dinner or to a relatives house until 6pm. But still this is not good enough for him. There is one week unaccounted for in the summer holidays where he wants half of. So we're talking about a few days, and he wants to take me to court over this as I said leave it, we can come to an informal agreement at the time (I'm currently on maternity leave and would like to have a few extra days with him for once). But exp NEEDS control and to ensure there is a total split.

The sheriff shouted at him last time for speaking about DC as if DC were a piece of furniture that could be sawn in half!

So now he has text again saying he'll be lodging a F9 paper with court tomorrow where DC get a say in what happens Hmm

He just won't leave me alone. If I looked back on all my texts over the last year alone, I think he's mentioned court at least 5 times. AT LEAST! I'm so sick of it. He has involved the school a few times too and is trying to make me out to be an unreasonable parent, he's now saying DC should fill out this form with his teacher so I don't influence him!! The cheek!! DC used to come home crying after contact saying his dad keeps telling him secrets that he's not allowed to tell me and poor DC was so torn, but this was exps way of trying to crest a wedge between DC and I. So there would be secrets between us (the secret usually being about money, he would tell DC there is 10k sitting in the bank for when DC is older and ridiculous things like that).

It's all really embarrassing and exhausting, not to mention unfair on DC who won't want to do this.

Can I file for harassment? Hoping someone has experience of this. I feel like I can't take a tomorrow of this utter nonsense anymore. I've had more than enough.

FWIW, exp has quit his job to so CMS can't catch up with him, he lives off rental income from his MANY flats which are undeclared and he doesn't pay tax on(I've reported this to HMRC many times, they don't seem to care)

Exp hasn't paid any child maintenance for 6 years now, yet owns a 35k car and takes 4 holidays a year whilst not working and evading tax. Not that this has anything to do with taking me to court, but may give the measure of who he is

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 09/03/2020 16:45

It sounds awful I would definitely seek some legal advice if you can and a way of communicating

Im surprised they still let him!

BumbleBeee69 · 09/03/2020 17:36

do you have a lawyer? get one now.. and tell him all contact should now be through your lawyer...

Thingsdogetbetter · 09/03/2020 17:45

Stop being so bloody reasonable to him. You give an inch, he takes a mile. You give another inch, he threatens court to get his mile. Stick exactly to the last court agreement. Exactly. No trying to be nice and reasonable about holidays. Keep a diary of all his texts, his turning up early or late etc.

When he threatens court, I assume you are being reasonable back and trying to defuse the situation. Stop! It's playing right into his hands. Say fine, court it is. Court for haircut - excellent I'll wait for your lawyer to contact me. I want dc outside my court appointed time - excellent I'll wait for your lawyer to contact me. Again and again. Grey rock!

HollowTalk · 09/03/2020 17:46

He sounds insane. It must drive him crazy that you're doing so well. Do HMRC even reply? It's outrageous that you are giving them the information and they're not bothering to do anything about it.

Summersunandoranges · 09/03/2020 17:56

I agree with thisdog OP.

Stop being so nice.

Get some advice of a solicitor because I do think this is harassment. I wouldn’t speak to him at all now. Instruct a solicitor to contact him and tell him all correspondence must go through them as the relationship has broken down to such a poor state he is giving you mental health problems.

What a horrible man. There was actually a similar thread on here this morning, so sad that women have to put up with this

mumoftwoplus1 · 09/03/2020 22:27

Thanks for the replies. Lately I've been a bit more forward with him, and did find it pretty funny when he even got a lawyer to write to me saying he was taking me to court about a haircut and the last week of summer holidays which are currently unaccounted for. I wrote back a very stern reply saying I am in complete disagreement to any of his craves and mentioned about his tax evasion, the amount of properties he owns whilst refusing to pay any CM and that there had been allegations of abuse against him (they were completely made up by his (very crazy) ex girlfriend, and I have absolutely nothing to worry about in that regards but thought I would mention it to his lawyer anyway to embarrass him).

But surely this must be seen as harassment. His favourite saying is 'I'll take you to court then' it's almost a running joke between my sister and those close to me who know what he's like!

It's beyond ridiculous though, I can't understand why he isn't embarrassed though. Surely he must realise he sounds pathetic saying this on repeat.
Well, I suppose your average person just wouldn't do it but it makes him feel big and strong to always be spouting threats and trying to intimidate

I guess the police wouldn't take any interest in this, so the only hope is to get my lawyer to tell him to get lost? I did have a lawyer who represented me throughout all stages of this nonsense. (Unlike him who had 7different solicitors in total Confused) so I suppose I had better get back in touch with her to send an email ☹️I was just hoping I wouldn't have to spend anymore money on this

OP posts:
yesterdaystotalsteps123 · 09/03/2020 22:36

If his contact is intrusive or threatening the police will speak to him. I wouldn't dismiss allegations of abuse. False ones are very rare. Read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. If you report him for harassment her allegations will strengthen your case as it's a pattern of behaviour. Otherwise solicitor and grey rock. No more texting. No more listening to threats. Follow the court order. CMS is a separate issue to contact. Have cafcass been involved?

Heartburn888 · 09/03/2020 22:51

I have no advice but just wanted to say I bet these solicitors have a right laugh over what some clients instruct them to write in letters! A flaming hair cut! I bet the letter cost more than a hair cut ! He sounds like a right wally with nothing better to do and he should really be giving you the money towards his sons upkeep rather than spending on petty letters! Let him carry on op I’d save the letters too for when you need a laugh.

I actually wonder if the solicitors have to keep a straight face when listening to these ‘complaints’

mumoftwoplus1 · 09/03/2020 23:17

@Heartburn888 exactly! And the fact that he has had around 7 different solicitors is because they tell him he's being unreasonable and won't get what he's asking for but because he's that arrogant he thinks he will and just needs to find the right solicitor who will fight harder for him 😅he's an embarrassment!

Aaahhhhh! He's off his head but doesn't quite realise it yet. Still causes me stress though. I just don't want to see anymore messages with 'tomorrow I'll be filing papers at court about.....'

It's slightly soul destroying but yes I agree, the amount of money he has spent over the years on different solicitors would have been better spent on his own DC. Shame he doesn't see it that way though

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.