Advice on separating- finances/ mortgage

[Magicstars]

Hi, DH is an alcoholic & has been sober for about 2.5m. He’s attending AA & following the steps. In doing this he has confessed a whole load of stuff to me about him being unfaithful, betraying me physically, emotionally & financially. I feel there is no option but to separate. I’m gutted, but I can’t live a lie & no longer trust him not to stray.
At present we are having to live under the same roof, though have our own rooms & have sorted a system for childcare. We are not rowing & are putting up a front for the kids. We talk once they are in bed. We are seeing a relationship therapist.
We would like to live separately but aren’t sure of how to go about getting a second mortgage. The hope would be for me to stay in our home & for him to have a flat nearby so as to maintain consistency for the LOs. Is it possible for separating couples to get a second mortgage together? If so, where do I start? We have a mortgage & a reasonable amount of cash invested in the house.
Any words of wisdom please?

I know it sounds hard, but I would say you need a more definitive separation so you are not financially tied to him in the future. Obviously you will always be linked through your children but you can't predict what's going to happen in the future - either of you may meet new partners, he may lapse, your current amicable relationship may change - and two shared mortgages are likely to become a problem.

Thanks purple. I get what you’re saying. A mortgage seems like the most sensible way to safeguard money for our kids future though. No idea though if we’d even be eligible & rent is crazy high...
What a mess 😔

As things are amicable now I would push ahead with a divorce and clearly separate finances.

There is a huge risk that he might relapse so ironically right now you aren’t safeguarding the future finances of your children at all.

Things go south again, he can’t cope and you’re left holding 2 x mortgages. Very risky

I would push ahead with divorce and make a clean break. You need a more definitive separation indeed rather than the one you are proposing.
It is also less confusing going forward for your children too, your children will be aware on some level that you are putting on a front for them and that will do them no favours either.

Good advice. My concern is having to sell our home, that’s a huge stress alone combined with a divorce/ separation & general life stresses.Then having to disrupt the kids lives with a new school, living in different area... I feel overwhelmed.
Part of me things I should just put up with the misery for the kids’ sake. Mostly though I know that is not an existence I want.
Bosco, you are right about the two mortgages falling to me.
I wonder if I need to seek legal advice at this early stage?

God, do not get a 2nd mortgage with him. If you can't afford to keep the house on and buy him out you really should sell it. I know its hard but you need a clean break. You may be getting on ok at the moment but that could change at any time. What if one of you meets someone else?

Another- I see that now. My head is such a fog, I don’t know where to start. Wish I could afford to buy him out but currently we rely on two salaries to pay the mortgage.
Thanks all for helping me to see sense.

Do you have income of your own? Could you meet the mortgage payments yourself?

If so and given you are married with kids, then could you not keep the current house in your name only, at least till the kids are 18?

Sorry for your situation and yes you absolutely do need legal advice. Dont make any decisions till you have had some.

I know its daunting OP and I'm sure you don't want to have to sell your house. Its only bricks. I had to do it and I actually thrived on having a proper fresh start somewhere that was mine!
The only alternative is for your DH to move out but still contribute to the mortgage to allow you to stay there but this could then become a problem in the future if he stops paying or one of you meets someone. A clean break really is always best.

You could look at birds nest parenting. He could buy a flat in just his name and move in and out of the family home. But you would need to decide if you are also going to move in and out ... of the same flat? Another flat? Any other options? If he gets a 2 bed, he can pay the mortgage with the rent from the lodger (tax free income, can evict easily). We do this and it works fine.

Some good ideas.i can’t afford the mortgage on my own & he can’t afford to pay for a flat as well as half our mortgage. Basically we are trapped together because of finances.
I will probably need to sell our home. I do the positives in that as well as finding it incredibly daunting.

Selling isn't so bad. I mean it is hard and heart wrenching but you will survive it. And you will have your own place.

That sounded dismissive. I'm sorry. Rushed typing. What I mean is.... it is a house at the end of the day. They come to symbolise so much but you can make a home anywhere in reality providing the basics are in place.