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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does anyone understand divorce decision is hard

4 replies

EJ1000 · 08/03/2020 21:54

Has anyone gone through an awful relationship and subsequent divorce? I’m having a really bad time. Not sure how Mumsnet works but if you can see my other post, there’s a good example in there about why. My husband is basically a big bratty kid. Throws dummy a lot which is now making life hell because we have two kids. And when I say throws dummy I mean over the most silly stuff. Pretty much every day. We don’t see eye to eye on parenting matters, he’ll sulk for DAYS, he makes everything a drama (it’s like we have two kids, grow up) and yeah, it’s bad. But! He can be really loving with our kids (and me) too. And he’ll recognise that he is a lazy bastard when we’re on speaking terms and recognise I do way more than fair share in house and try help out. And I feel 100% certain no danger of cheating. Plus he is really stressed with work (like way more than normal pressure). But it’s just more often bad than it’s good. And even when it’s good, I’m just waiting for it to be bad again. And I am finding it more and more difficult to forgive him. Because when he sulks, he sees me really upset but tries to make it worse by being cold. But the people on here (I’ve just joined) I notice are v quick to say really strong views, which is great and definitely merited in some occasion, but I also would like to hear from someone who recognises how shit it is feeling stuck and scared for the future and not knowing if it’s worth staying to see if the bad eventually fades away. I just feel so sad. I also have a mental health condition, and impossible shyness, that basically makes me think it’ll be really hard to find someone else (as well as fact I have two v little kids). So yeah. Would b nice to hear from someone who knows it’s not so easy to just pack bags!

OP posts:
LookingForward6 · 08/03/2020 22:44

It’s one of the hardest decisions if you have children as you feel awful splitting up the family. But I was in a similar situation to you several years ago...I stayed because there were some good times but generally treaded on egg shells waiting for the next bad time. Finally realised that life is too short for all that sulking, that I deserved better (peace and freedom) and made my decision after lots of years of marriage, my only regret is that I really wish I had served him with divorce papers many years before. Good luck.

TossaCointoYerWitcher · 09/03/2020 00:30

I'm male, but can relate. It took me having a near-breakdown after 8 months of emotional abuse, then actually catching her with the OM for me to finally press the button, as it were. Even then, it was the fact she responded to me discovering them by acting furious at me being there as opposed to being in any way apologetic. It ended up an instant snap decision:

Me: "I don't think your serious about saving the marriage"
Her (mumbling): "No"
Me: "Well, I supposed I'd better contact a lawyer then"
Her: "Whatever"

She sent me a message apologising for her "defensiveness" later but the sheer fact she showed absolutely no contrition and just expected me to brush it under carpet was the straw that broke the camel's back. But I needed that anger to actually act. And the repeated anger inspired by numerous lies and self-centred actions on her part throughout the process to keep me pressing on. Even our Relate counsellor advised me to get angry. I've a feeling she suspected we were a lost cause...

TossaCointoYerWitcher · 09/03/2020 00:37

PS: For what its worth... yes, it affected the kids. But at the same time its undeniable they're actually doing better now than when they were in that toxic environment.

TossaCointoYerWitcher · 09/03/2020 00:43

PPS: From what you post, it sounds like your situation is slightly different to mine, however the sulks do strike a chord. If he can truly admit he's at fault, own his behaviour and try harder there may be a ray of light. The real killer for me wasn't so much my ex's affair as her complete and utter inability to own any responsibility for her actions. She would behave how she liked and expect you to turn a blind eye. And if you didn't - if she got caught out - then, yes, massive sulks, blame-shifting and uber passive aggression. As if you were being coerced into waving the bad behaviour aside. As I said, in the end, it got too much.

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