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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Couples counselling

3 replies

spanglyundies · 08/03/2020 20:26

Does it ever work? My DH and I are likely to split if we carry on as we are so I wonder if we should give it a try. We are only really together for our kids it seems. But we have had a really hard couple of years. I lost a parent a year ago plus 18 months ago we moved area and both of us took new jobs. We did it because it would be a really good move for him but he doesn't like his new job after all. I have had to go full time for the last six months (the part time maternity leave cover I was doing finished and the only position I could take was full time). So there is all sorts of extra strain on our relationship. On top of that I have been having a few physical health issues of late which are getting me down as I am not able to be as active as I would like, as well as suffering from anxiety. He is bearing the brunt of me being unable to remember stuff and constantly staying I will do things and then forgetting. I even offer to make a cup of tea and forget by the time the kettle has boiled. I burn food, forget when the kids activities aren't running (wasting time and effort getting them there to find out they aren't on). Added to this my husband is an only child so not very good at compromise. I have wondered at times if he is emotionally abusive but Then I think how justified he is to get frustrated with me forgetting stuff and letting him down time after time and then I feel slightly ashamed. I think he is slightly on the spectrum and can be a shit selfish person from time to time. But I avoided ever going for counselling as I read that it's no use if one partner is abusive as they work it to their advantage. I am terrible at any kind of criticism- this is true at work as well as at home but it's easy to be emotional at home and blame it all on a partner bejng abusive but in my heart of hearts I know he is justified in getting frustrated with me as I am just so unreliable. So after that big rant- do you think we should go to couples counselling (if we were to ever find the time)?

OP posts:
12345kbm · 08/03/2020 20:45

OP, your forgetfulness is a bit concerning. Have you had any tests regarding that? 'Brain fog' which is what it sounds like, can be a symptom of various illnesses so it may be worth having a checkup. While you're there, perhaps a chat about your anxiety as well.

It can also be a 'symptom' of abuse. How does he speak to you day to day? There's a screening questionnaire here OP, that you may like to do. It could give you an idea of what's going on.

In the meantime, have you had any bereavement counselling? Losing a parent is very tough and you then had a major life change by moving areas and starting new jobs. Cruse offer free bereavement counselling that you may find helpful.

spanglyundies · 08/03/2020 22:52

Thank you for your reply. I will look into the counselling. I also suspect I have ADHD but have not been diagnosed. I requested a diagnosis years ago but they sent me to a non adult specialist who said I just had anxiety. I suspect he may be wrong. I think it is hard to say if he is abusive as even if he is I Think any person would get frustrated with the number of things I forget on a daily basis.

Something I forgot this evening had serious repurcussions on our DD. He criticised me and It felt like the final straw and I blew. Told him I wanted to leave. I regretted it as I don't want to mess the DC about. But he said he has had enough of me, He says he has fallen out of love with me and wants to split. Says he has felt this way for ages but was just staying for the DC. I have begged him to stay but I don't know if that's what I want- I just know the DC come first. Plus I am going to have to have an op in 4-6 months and I won't be able to look after myself or the DC and I worry what effect this would have on custody if we were to split. If I do go I will probably be ok financially as I have an inheritance due to me.

OP posts:
12345kbm · 08/03/2020 22:57

It sounds like you've had a very tough evening OP and I'm sorry to hear that.

It sounds as though it's too late for couple's counselling. It may be a better idea to seek advice and information pending divorce.

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