He's not my usual type

[RuffleCrow]

Not physically anyway. I do feel attracted to his mind from the messages we've sent though.

So obviously, OLD. He's made it clear he's into me physically and we've discussed possibly going on a proper date.

We're a good couple of hours apart. Did any of you have similar and then feel sexual chemistry growing anyway when you met?

I don't want to waste his time but we're too far apart to really just go for a coffee. The date would be a common interest.

If it did he'd need to be the one to up sticks - my dcs are settled here and i can't afford a shed where he lives.

OP! You havent even met this man!!

If there are concerns / complications this early on (or to be honest in the first few months) then it's not worth it... let alone if you haven't even met the guy. Just put a stop to it and move on.

If he's really interested then he can wait until his divorce is finalised and get in touch then.

That was in reponse to another poster talking about who might need to move if it worked out @thesistine rather than me getting ahead of myself organically.

I get that he's still technically married but he seems very insistent that he's single and has been for months. My divorce took years but I was definitely single. I know, I know, I'm probably on route to becoming just another deluded accidental other woman. I guess we'll see whether it actually happens.

I have a feeling it will probably just fade out before the date we've set anyway. He'll find a new shiny thing or go back to the old one.

If he's technically married how can he class himself as 'single', surely he means 'separated'. He doesn't seem to know what he is! For all you know he could still be married OP and just looking for an ego boost online. The sexual comments are inappropriate. I'd run a mile if I were you. So many of them pretend to be something they're not online, because it's easy for them to do. Being two hours away from him could also make it very easy to juggle lots of women at the same time, do you really want to potentially end up in this position? I'd find someone nearer, and don't chat for too long with them online because a lot of them are unfortunately already coupled up and it's a waste of time.

You're right. I keep thinking I should delete but I'm emotionally invested in the numpty. Lots of people do date before the decree absolute though. My ex certainly did.

He's the only guy I've really felt an emotional/ intellectual connection to in the months i've been OLD.

I feel like i just delete for every little transgression and don't give men a chance. Eg: comments negatively on my looks; demands more photos; can't hold an interesting conversation; is too ugly/old/bearded/lazy looking; asks about my kids too soon; can't construct a basic sentence; puts his kids in his online photos; poses with a sportscar/fish ; is too keen, overbearingly positive.... etc etc.

If I go on like the above, how am I ever going to meet anyone?!

I know what you mean OP but you're doing the right thing by deleting for these things because they are red flags and saving yourself for the right guy should he come along. I also understand where you're coming from with the emotional investment thing, it's happened to me too, but remember, it's so easy to create a sense of false intimacy online/through messages, your mind fills in the gaps and you don't see the reality. Just imagine, you could meet him and get the ick straight away by the way he walks, or he might snort too much or have an annoying tick, or his pics might be old and he could look completely different. You never really know until you meet them, but I do sympathise with how frustrating it is. Bottom line is there aren't as many suitable blokes on these dating sites as you first might think - you've got to get really really lucky and have a thick skin, be able to cut off and say 'next!'. I did OLD for about 2-3 years, had a few mediocre dates but gave up in the end, I was sick of the abusive and pervy messages. But I know it works for some people.

Never lower your standards OP.
Never settle!
Your list would is very similar to what mine would be.
But I have even more 'no no's'
Keep your relationship bar high and you can't go far wrong.

Evert time i'm about to block, he pops up and reels me back in with his words.

I can't describe it - he's this mix of funny and slightly awkward and then of course he disappears. He's really got inside my head.

For all i know, he could be a serial killer. What am i even doing?!

Have deleted him. Feel sad about it but I just felt i was oversharing and he was blowing hot and cold like it didn't matter. Not a great start.

Well done on deleting him.
No contact is the only way to go OP as you are way too easily 'hoovered' back in (google that)
Stay strong. Block him on all social media and messaging apps.
You CAN do this!!!

Thanks. I actually feel like i've just ended a relationship. Like crying. Plus ds had a really tricky start to his day at school too.

That's another thing -when i told this guy i had kids he was like that's "not a dealbreaker" for him and hinted that the reason his last relationship had ended was that he wasn't sure if he wanted them. (He's late 40s). So that's another reason it could never have worked out. My kids are my life in many ways. I would have been hiding the biggest part of my life from the man i was starting to fall for. When ds kicks off at the very least i could do with a partner i can turn to for support. He was never going to be that person.

i'm also feeling sad in case he's feeling sad about being deleted.

Maybe he was just as invested as I was but not great at expressing it

well done on deleting him OP, try not to dwell on it too much now, you've done the right thing. It wasn't meant to be and you weren't compatible. Onto the next one (with no emotional investment) until you actually meet. Good luck!

Thanks. Am trying. I wish I knew how to strike that balance. It seems to take some emotional connection from my end to make me feel like I want to meet the person. Otherwise I'm just going along with it, which feels shit too. Any tips welcome.

Yes I know what you mean and it makes sense, but it's still all a bit of an illusion until you meet them in real life. This is one of the reasons OLD is so hard I guess, you've got to have a thick skin for every aspect of it. Only tip I have is to not chat for too long - just long enough that you know you might want to meet them for a quick coffee or something, then that false sense of intimacy can't be built up - and the potential disappointment which results. How many OL dates have you been on so far?

A couple. It very rarely ģets to that point. People are oftem weird or boring. Or they think i'm weird or boring!

OP, what dating apps/sites are you using?

I found Tinder an absolute waste of time and most men on there either didn’t speak or commitment phobic (ie married or divorcing)

Also Don’t think too much too soon about someone until you have met, you become attached and you don’t really know that person from Adam. Chatting is all well and good but you need to see how you gel when you meet.

Yeah mainly on Tinder. Agree complete waste of time. Married/bot/instagrammer seems to be what most men are on there. Have signed up to Hinge but as I'm not a model with a very exciting life it doesn't seem like the place for me!

@RuffleCrow it can’t help to try it out, you never know ;)
I met my OH on POF, I know it has a terrible reputation though!