Perfect DH- No intimacy

[IveStillGotItHun]

I just want to start by saying my DH is a wonderfully respectful kind and hard working man. I am 30 and he is 28 so its not like we are getting on a bit and we are still in our prime. He tells me every day he loves me and how beautiful I am and has never done anything intentionally to make me feel crap. But he's just not very passionate, and never has been. Where as I am somewhat fiery. We have sex maybe 2 times a week, and although he is very good at the sex, its just a bit.... samey. I want to be wanted, passionately. I want the kissing the touching the "Dirty" sex. The fun sex. I always initiate it and its always very well received but I'm growing increasingly frustrated. Ive brought it up with him how I don't feel wanted. Ive tried Dirty texting him and work to get him riled up and it all just ends up being the same. He said he feels awkward and doesn't want to " do it wrong". I love him so much but I feel like, because of his upbringing... (single mum) He has grown up (quite rightly) with a respectful attitude towards women and sex and I think that he maybe feels that if he were to be a bit rougher with me he would be disrespecting me?
How can I bring him out of his shell. Or make him more comfortable?

I think your title is very misleading.

It sounds like you have plenty of intimacy. You are just sexually mismatched. Was he like this before you married him? Did you think you could 'change' him?

Because he sounds great to me. You just want different things and I'm not sure why you married a guy you knew wasn't into rough sex or dirty talk.

It’s just not who he is. It would be utterly ridiculous to expect him to have a different approach to sex than the one which is innate for him.

Ultimately you’ll have to decide whether the passionate, fiery and lustful sex is important enough to you to override his many other good points.

I am fiery too, and need to have hot sex. Luckily I found a man who is passionate like me and is on the same page as me sexually, and also perfect in every other way - if he wasn’t on the same page as me, he really wouldn’t be perfect for me, if I’m honest).

Sorry about the misleading title. You're probably correct about being sexually mismatched. Erm... He was always like this. We had sex more often in our Honeymoon period as most couples do. I Never said I was into rough sex, and he is more than happy to engage with me in the dirty texting. Its just when he gets home and we get DTD he looses his bottle.
I married him because he is great! and I love him.

For clarity I don't want Kinky rough bondage sex lol. I just would like a bit more passion.

But he obviously doesn’t do passion in the way you like it. And tbh lots of men do ‘passion’ well but that’s as far as it goes - the sex is great but everything else is a bit (or maybe a lot) shit. It’s rare that you get everything. But what you can’t do is expect him to be or do something that isn’t comfortable for him.

Have you spelt out exactly what you want him to do? If you have been quite vague saying things like 'i want it to be dirtier and rougher' he might not know how to actually do that if it's not something he is in to or has done before.
I think you need specific actions, hair pulling etc guide him through what you want as he probably don't want to hurt you and as he doesn't know where your boundaries are with it it's just safer not to attempt it at all for him.

@Ninkanink
I think you're probably right there. He is just not passionate in the way I like it. Which... Is fine. The sex is good! My Marriage is more than just sex. He is my Husband, Best friend and partner for life.

I have no idea of the amount of women who would love a husband like that. Kind, hard working, loving and respectful. I'm afraid that sometimes in life we compromise OP and see a good thing for what it is.

I think you sound like a bit of a brat and seem to be bullying him into being something he's not. We don't marry people in order to change them, we marry them for who they are, warts and all. You knew what he was like going into the marriage and it seems he can't do enough to please you.

If you wanted someone who could spin plates on his penis while frying a pancake, perhaps you should have married someone else. In the meantime, I'm sure there are plenty of women who would love to have him once you've driven him away.

You have plenty of intimacy and a wonderful husband who respects you and respects women. He can’t just turn off that part of himself because it’s time for sex.

Have you seen what happens when men here complain about their wives not being “dirty” enough in bed? It doesn’t end well.

You’re expecting him to completely change what he wants from sex, it’s not going to happen. Every relationship needs compromise and looks like this is yours - whether you can live with it or not is down to you.

Imagine if this post was by a man complaining about his W. He will be told to respect her and let he be how she is.
Same with you.
He was always this way. He was not passionate or rough. You fell in love with him.

You know when they say that when men marry they hope the woman doesn’t change; and when women marry they expect the man to change. This is exactly that scenario.

I don’t think it’s easy to change how passionate one is.

@12345kbm
Ahhhh Bullying I can see why you might know a lot about that topic. Im sure my Husband wont be Driven away by my Bratty attitude as you say. He married me warts and all

@PixiKitKat
You've hit the nail on the head. He has expressed the want too, but is nervous. He's more than happy to talk the talk over messages. But when its time to DTD he gets nervous. This isnt a want to change him.

That's the kind of bratty response I'd have expected from someone bullying their husband into sex they don't want OP.

But does he really want it too IveStillGot? Or is he just saying that he does in order to keep you happy?

Surely if he was really into dirtier, rougher sex he'd be all over it like a rash, not 'getting nervous' about it? Okay, some things need leading up to, but I don't know many men who would bottle out of having dirtier sex or sex talk if it was their thing.

I think you've got him wrong. It's not his thing at all, and he's just talking the talk to keep you happy. The only thing I could suggest is that you veeeery gently and slowly try a few things that maybe help show him the sort of thing that you want.

But I predict that he'll just never be the kind of person you want in bed.