Don't trust my husband

[Dunnowat2do]

Name change here in case i am guessed!

OH cheated on me 1 year ago. After a short separation we decided to give things another go. He had contact with OW which initiated and I found out about a few months ago but again, we have decided to move past that given the circumstances (i won't get into the why he contacted her but it was a valid reason -i was more hurt by the fact i found out rather than him telling me before the contact).

So I've never been able to trust him since and I find that any time i bring it up, he becomes defensive and just says he doesn't know what more he can do to regain the trust. I understand this takes time, but its been a while now so everytime he wants to go out with his friend(s) or works late/needs to travel with work, naturally i get quite upset inside and i start to feel resentment that he doesn't understand why I dont want him to go.

He is still super protective over his phone and I have never looked through his emails or phone since we gave things another go.

Basically what i am asking for is to know when this feeling will go away? How long did it take others who worked on their marriage to regain the trust in their spouse after the deceit?

Please don't jump in with comments like "leave the bastard" or "what are you doing, ditch him" because I have decided to work on my marriage so leaving him not an option and something i do not want to do.

Fair enough you decided to work on your marriage. But has he? He says he can't do any more to regain your trust, yet is super secretive with his phone and lied about contacting ow, valid or not. How do you think you are going to be able to trust him again in these circumstances. Because honestly I can't think of any ways. I'm really sorry I'm genuinely not telling you to ltb but unless you have a fully open and transparent relationship from here on out you will not be able to trust him again. An open phone policy is absolute basic in these situations.

It won't go away unless you feel he is leaving over backwards to restore that trust. It seems to me he is doing anything but. You need complete openness from him, not locked phones and communication with her that you are not told about. It doesn't bode well. Do you feel that he actually appreciates you taking him back?
Even with all of that, the feeling will never go completely, he has made an irrevocable change to your relationship.

Those feelings will go away when he has proved beyond doubt that he is trustworthy.

I dunno, i just have this emptiness inside everytime he is away. I think the phone is the reason, his habits have changed but he locks it and takes it everywhere with him and I suppose it takes me back to thinking of his behaviours when he was cheating.

I have been to individual counselling as well as couples and both have told us we both need to chill out a bit thinking about the behaviours around phones. He says his phone is his mind, thoughts and feelings and to be honest he was always been quote protective of it even since when we were dating -the only difference is back then I could feel how much he cared. Now, with kids, stressful jobs and the 7 year itch I think its a bit harder on both our sides to show affection like the old days.

I am just really confused because as much as I don't want to break us, I just want this feeling to end. It has improved, but i just want it to go.

It won’t go away unless and until he starts to fully understand what he’s done to you and is absolutely honest. Not telling you he contacted OW and still being secretive with his phone say to me he still can’t be trusted. You can’t fix this by yourself, he has a part to play and he’s not doing it.

I know what you're all saying is right. Maybe another round of couples therapy is in order.

Well he's either really, really, really thick or he's probably still cheating (or basically hasn't essentially changed the behaviours that led to cheating before and almost certainly will again).

Probably the latter.

any time i bring it up, he becomes defensive and just says he doesn't know what more he can do to regain the trust

'Well that's actually quite easy, darling. Firstly, you give me access to your phone so that I can see you're not cheating, and have nothing to hide, and more importantly that you recognise the hard fact that now, oncce you've cheated, the onus is on YOU to prove you're not... not on me to respect your privacy and trust you (because you crapped all over that.) Secondly, you also realise that the cost of cheating is me not being happy about you going out etc - and instead of being defensive and angry, you understand that my reaction is fair - and again, that it's your fault, and therefore your problem. That's what you can do to rebuild the trust - ie, fucking loads more than you are doing now. Which is why it's not being rebuilt...

So, here we go then. Let's start with you passing over that phone, and suggesting we do something together on Saturday because you totally understand why I don't feel happy with you going out with the lads. You won't?

Ok then - we're done. Bye.'

That's the conversation you need to have. That will be his answer, by the way - he isn't trustworthy, he just wants to still be able to do what he wants, and he has no respect or love for you.

Oh and the locked phone? Bwahhahahaha. Give me strength. Honestly, just on that one fact I'd be dumping him rather than wasting my time in therapy! Do you HONESTLY think he simply somehow doesn't realise that that's not ok? He KNOWS. He probabyl doesn't want you to see his phone as it's as full of dodgy shit as it ever was.

He doesn't respect you - that's the bottom line. You could do much better.

I'm sorry to say that from the behaviour you describe, it's only YOU that's interested in saving your marriage.

He is simply carrying on exactly as before, but telling you it's YOUR problem that you can't trust him ! :(

You say he asks 'what else he can do' to prove he is not still having extra marital affairs ? So TELL him !

1. No locked phone and no taking phone everywhere e.g shower, toilet etc, cos that is NOT normal ! (if he says it's private cos 'it's his mind', remind him that you need to know what's going on in his mind cos he won't bloody tell you! - and that's a very weak excuse to not allow you access !)

1. He has to share everything with you, including information about where he is going, who with and when to expect him home. He cannot 'forget the time' or say 'it wasn't my fault we went to a strip club, the lads took me!' or any other such bullshit blaming others for decisions HE makes. This is a basic requirement ! If he has nothing to hide, then he wouldn't mind !

1. He actually plans and spends time with you.

1. He understands that if he EVER lies to you again, there will NOT be any more 'chances' ! He's had two so far, and yet he's surprised you don't trust him ??

1. If he refuses to do any of the above, then I'm afraid it would be over for me. It's up to you how long you want to keep flogging a dead horse............

@nowayhose so we do actually spend time together, he regularly takes days off so we can go out without kids and we had plans to go away but with the whole coronavirus thing i am not sure we will. These instances are driven by him usually.

I also made it super clear that if there is anything else (secrets, lies or affair) then its strike 3. There will be no further chances. He knows this.

I just can't get passed the phone thing that is the sticking point around all my trust issues. 99% of the time when i have managed to get a sneaky glance he is playing a stupid game (he was a gamer before we got rid of the PC) so I really dont know what to think

@Lostlittlesoull snap! That was the reason I wasn't told.

I hope things start to get better for you, probably the most upsetting and stressful experience of my life and definitely taken off years if coronavirus doesnt kill me first

But there are still secrets, he is secretive with his phone?

For me personally the trust hasn't come back in previous situations.

I tried but it didn't so I've ended relationships because of it.

I admire you having the resolve to try again but the truth is for some people the trust doesn't return, especially when the person who originally broke that trust wants to sweep it under the carpet and be defensive and snappy.

Sorry OP

@Blanca87 I really don't know. From my side, i used to tell him everything. I just tell him what he needs to know now (not as open as I used to be).

@ThisSistineWontScreamAtItself
I am sorry to hear it didn't work for you. I am trying to be hopeful as kids involved. I hope you're in a better place now x big hugs x

@lostlittlesoul yes we separated for 3 months where he didnt live with me and kids, only communicated about kids for 2 months then slowly started talking again about future etc. I missed him and I do love him, I get people make mistakes and things were pretty shit when everything happened before. We went to therapy and were told most times its a breakdown in communication and I admit I didnt pay that much attention to him (2 kids under 5 - it was a hard time). I like to think we've worked on it but its just this bloody phone use that is going to destroy everything and he doesnt see it.

You are quite right to worry about the phone. All affairs appear to be conducted over phones, some secret phones and some blatantly use the personal phone but keep it glued to the side of them so you can see any of it. Sorry you are going through this. I know you want to stay but all I can see is you doing the work not him. He seems to be pretty cool about it all and snaps when you want to talk about it so its you that is suffering. There is no timescale as to when you will feel better. The chances of him doing this again are very high reading other MN posts. However much councelling goes on it won't stop him doing it again and it hasn't helped him with understanding how you feel about this still. The only thing I can say is talk to him about all this, ask him to let him have access to his phone at any given time and set a time limit to how long you want to feel like this. If in, say, 6 months you still feel like crap around this then its time to maybe rethink if you want to live in this hell or move on to peace within yourself. Its hard, I know. Sorry OP.

I am sorry to hear it didn't work for you. I am trying to be hopeful as kids involved. I hope you're in a better place now x big hugs x

Thank you for being lovely.

I'm in a happy and such fun long term relationship now, planning a happy fun and loving future! You could be too if you to choose to leave x

I’ve been there and have the t shirt. The feeling wouldn’t go away until I eventually felt rock bottom and had therapy. I literally thought there was a flaw in myself for not being able to forgive and forget. He told me exactly the same as you yet remained secretive. He lied about everything and blamed me for his infidelities. Yet would contrast this with telling me how sorry he was but I pushed him to it as I didn’t understand him.
Therapy changed my life. I’m sat here right now watching him. He’s visiting the kids. I feel nothing for the guy. He’s oozing with patheticness ( if that’s a word). He can’t wven sort out accommodation where he can actually take the kids or cope with 2 young kids by himself. I’m kicking myself now that I actually felt hurt and did the puck me dance. That sheer thought makes me cringe. However, I feel my strength, self worth every minute of everyday. For as long as you stay with him, you’ll drain yourself of everything.

I also made it super clear that if there is anything else (secrets, lies or affair) then its strike 3. There will be no further chances. He knows this.

No he doesn't because no you haven't.

He still has all his secrets as he won't allow you access to his phone!

You see this on affair threads all. the. time. Huge declarations from the poor cheated on person 'I've made it CRYSTAL clear that if there is so much as a SNIFF of anything more, he's out on his ass! No discussion!' Yeah right. Meanwhile he's still running rings round you love, you daren't address it so you make yourself feel better by striding up and down declaring that he's ON HIS LAST CHANCE.

Sorry to be harsh, but it's all hot air and he knows it.

You want to be tough? You want to set boundaries that mean business? Then set some that actually demand he change his behaviour.

'I'm not ok with you being secretive with your phone. Hand it over now, or we're done - there's no point in messing around ay more, I want to be happy, so shit or get off the pot.'

You'll never say this to him because you know he'll refuse, and you will have to meet your ultimatum or roll over... again.

So forget 'he knows there will be no further chances.' He doesn't give a shit about any of your blustering - why should he when you sit there watching him keep his secrets from you and you say nothing?

Ask yourself instead why you're afraid to ask for REAL change. Why are you afraid to set the ball in motion - because you know it means breaking up? Ask yourself why that isn't an excellent idea, as he's still a secretive cheat?

I think i was being quite hopeful in posting on here, but clearly it's not as black and white.

I think I am going to give myself a bit more time as PP suggested (put a limit on it) and if i still feel like this explore other options. It eats away at me and I dont want my kids growing up seeing me depressed, not healthy.thanks all for your responses.

its just this bloody phone use that is going to destroy everything and he doesnt see it.

He does see it!

He won't give it to you because you wouldn't like what's on it - that's OBVIOUS.

He's banking on it not 'destroying everything' because you don't dare bring it up.

And if you do, he'll try and browbeat you as he does about going out. Turn it round on you. Make you out to be mad.

And if that doesn't work, he'll race off, clean up the phone, hand it over - HAPPY NOW? etc.

You know all this.

He knows all this.

It's a game, and he's just banking on you being that slight bit weaker and that slight bit more afraid of a final split to do anything.

He listens to your 'last chance' speech, then looks at that phone on silent and passworded, safe in his hand, and simply smirks at you.

There's your status quo.

Only you can change it.

It will change when he is trying his absolute best to get you to trust him. But he isn’t , he’s being secretive about his phone and not telling you about texting the OW!.

I'm in a similar situation OP! DH cheated a year ago but decided to give it another try but I can't shake the feeling of lack of trusts etc. He's lied to me regarding the whole thing a few times since, and a few daft other things. Lies to prevent arguments I get but he doesn't seem to understand that there is no room for lies of any kind anymore.
I'm tell myself till the end of this year and if things are no better then it's time to cut my losses. Though I said similar to myself this time last year

Send you loads of love and strength, I hope things get better for you soon

Sorry OP, but it won’t go away. He’s broken your trust very badly, and it sounds like he’s not really trying that hard for you to even have a chance at the mistrust going away. I know you don’t want to be told to leave him. So I suggest you try getting used to being married to someone you can’t trust