Any divorced sahms on here for advice?

[Snugglemonster84]

Hi there. If not in correct place can someone advise me please.

Ive been with my husband for 20 years, married for 5. We have 2 children under 10.

A very common story...... Since having the kids I have been a Sahm. My husband has climbed the career ladder to senior management and still climbing.

Ive decided I want to seperate now. But
I am very scared. Is there anyone on here who has been through it when they were a sahm? I'm not scared of working but I didn't have a career or anything before hand. A normal office job.
I wouldn't know where to begin with any of it because I have no money of my own. How would I pay the bills initially if he left?
Im confused about what benefits if any id be entitled to.
I was 18 when we got together so I've never been on my own as an adult.

I would start with finding a job, you will recieve half or more of the marital assets, but there will be an expectation that you will support yourself these days.

I'm currently separating so have been looking into it.

I get a clear understanding of your shared finances, work out what your expenses would be.

Why do you have no money of your own OP? Does your husband restrict access to family money? Do you have a joint account?

You say you have 2 DCs under 10, I’m guessing they are both in school? I’d start by looking for a part time job so you have some income coming in. You can also go to the EntitledTo website to check what sort of benefits you could get. Do you currently receive child benefit? It’s important this is paid to you because it protects your national insurance contributions.

Your Husband will need to pay you maintenance unless he has the children 50% of the time (which sounds unlikely given his ‘big job’).

Get copies of everything, bank statements, pay slips, pension documents, insurance, mortgage statements etc. If you divorce you will be entitled to a share of the family assets, as you have given up your career to raise the children (and presumably taken a hit to your pension too), this is likely to be the larger share of the assets although a court would look to ensure your husband is housed too.

I agree with PP, start working now, dont wait until you separate. It will give you an idea of the income you'll have and help you calculate if you are eligible for any help, and it's less of an adjustment for the kids. If you wait, it's going to childcare around school AND dad going, which will be even more unsettling.

Just went through this myself.
Don’t rush and plan your exit, if you can’t bear it for a bit longer.
Get a part time job that fits around kids schedule. Court would like to see that you are willing to support yourself, but also is understanding that there are childcare needs for smaller children.
And I assume you are still fairly young - in your 30s or 40s, given that you married early, so court will expect you to work eventually. And go full time after kids are in secondary.
But you will be given several years to ramp it up - given career break and children, and if your H has a good income.
Don’t worry about the short short term - he will be expected to continue paying your bills.
Go see a solicitor for an initial consultation - they’ll explain it better, given the specifics of your case.

I disagree he will be expected to pay Ops bills. He will be expected to support his children.

Been together for 20 years from the age of 18 so you are 38ish Op and you've been married for 5 of those years.

You need to support yourself. Pay YOUR bills. The only way to do that is work. Full time now not in X years when the children are in secondary school.

Yes, child maintenance isn't spousal maintenance

Do you not have any access to a bank account with funds in it? Do you know his salary? Do the online CMS calculator. Do you have equity in the house?

@jsku

OP wants to separate. Why would he be paying her bills?

It will be considered a long marriage - her side will argue that they were together for 20 years.
And if she is a sahm - it was a joint decision. And he has responsibility to support the family at least UNTILL the financial arrangements are agreed.

As I said - I have just been through this.
My exH was told to pay all the bills/cr cards as usual until the consent order payments kicked in as he moved out.
It doesn’t matter that it’s her who wants to separate.

And OP - do get legal advice.
If your H is a high earner - it really will be in your interest to not go full time immediately.
And it will be better for the kids.
Courts agree with that IF the other partner can afford to pay spousal maintenance (in addition to child maintenance).
In that situation - courts would only expect you to go full time from the time the kids are in secondary.

If you want to separate you will both have to agree what this means in the short and long term.

Assuming you agree he moves out ASAP, this is going to have a big financial impact on you both. Because you will have to find enough money to pay for two homes.
Whatever people “expect” him to pay may not be possible. His actual legal obligation will be to pay CMS. Then you both have contractual obligations to pay rent, bills or mortgages that are in your names. If he moves out he can take his name off any utility bills. He might also be able to pay the mortgage / rent instead of CMS. This means you are probably going to need to increase your income. Options include applying for benefits or that you get a job.

If he agrees, he could move somewhere cheap. Take a room with family or friends. But this limits his ability to parent anywhere except the family home. I think this is a confusing option for children and isn’t really a long term solution. It adds tension and stress.

Some people agree to continue to live in the family home until the divorce and long term financial settlement is agreed. This is very high up the tension and stress ladder of separation.

Just for some extra info, I own our family home. We had something drawn up where my husband gets a 20% pay off if we seperate. Which my dad will give him.
So going forward we wouldn't need to sell the home and i won't have any rent or mortgage to pay.
Just normal house hold bills. I don't expect him to pay towards those. Just normal maintenance to the kids. His money would have to go on finding himself a home and paying for that.

You are right to be scared but do get on with it. The sooner you make headway out of the mess the faster you get your life back.

Just be aware that the agreement you have for the property won’t trump the statutory obligations of a marriage. After 20 years together, the property may be considered a marital asset. Pre nups and post nups only carry so much weight.

The court would look at the total marital assets available. Both of you will need to adequately house your children.
So - as others said - it may be that the home won’t be considered 80% yours.
Unless there are other factors - maybe your father put in the money for down payment? Or owns part of it?

Wow @jksu. You are lucky. Some of us don't get anything because we work

I would've loved to get all my bills paid. Instead I paid for mortgage and all bills out of the £100 he paid me.

And yes I'm jealous

I know. I am sorry.
I did sacrifice a really well paid career that I couldn’t get back to. And he was a high earner. And he tried to be very aggressive and unreasonable at settlement.
And maybe I got lucky with a judge?

So that’s why I am saying for OP in the short term it’s better to show willingness to work but not much income. She stayed at home while her H built a career. While they are married - he has to pay as he has been paying so far - and that means expenses. Until they reach A settlement.

That's good news. My Dad bought my home for me (I'm very lucky and hugely grateful).
The house is in my name, not my dad's. If there was a chance that my husband could be entitled to possibly half of what is my dad's money that is terrible and I couldn't do it to my dad. I feel like I'm trapped here in this life.

Sorry I meant that's not good news

You need to talk to a solicitor.
And look for proof of money trail.

Omg. Please get a solicitor. Its a terrible experience being trapped but worth the loss of every penny to be free.

Have you exhausted every other avenue before splitting? What’s the underlying issue that makes you want to leave him. Have you spoken about it, tried to resolve things? (Clearly it he has cheated and this is a dealbreaker or done anything else that is a dealbreaker then ignore the above). Marriages can sometimes come back from the brink.