Help! We've a young baby and my parents' house is seriously dirty

[gerbiltamer]

I wonder if I could seek some advice from my fellow Mumsnetters? In a nutshell, my Mother's always been very untidy - in fact, myself and my brothers were bullied about it at school and now we've all left home, the state of her house has got much worse. It's untidy, full of dusty ornaments and the most unpleasant aspects are the bathroom and kitchen - she never throws anything away or cleans properly and she's currently got 2 cats, a dog and a hamster as pets.

Myself and my DH live about 2 miles away and because we currently don't have a car, we rarely ever visit my Mother and Stepfather at home - they come to us. This has worked fairly well over the last few years until now when we've got a 13 day old newborn. My Mother keeps on saying that once he's a little older then he can stay at her house, but I'm scared that he'll catch something and once he's crawling, I can't imagine what he'll pick up. I've discussed this with both my DH and my younger brother and they agree that the situation has to be raised somehow, but my Mother's a difficult person to tackle - she and I fell out hugely last year whilst on a weekend trip away and our relationship has been rocky ever since. She accuses me of 'over-reacting to situations', but I can't see that I am here. She's basically a very lazy person who blames the misfortunes of her life on other people and gets depressed easily about her failed career and increasing weight. My brother said that if I denied her access to her Grandson then it would kill her - I don't want to do that, I just want him to thrive and he can't in a filthy house.

Please help!

put your gloves on and spring clean!

you don't have to take him there for quite a while. 'once he's a little older' can be ooollllddddd so i think you have time to tackle the issue.

can you broach it with your sfil?

It's very early days and you probably are a bit hormonal and naturally v. protective towards your baby - there's nothing wrong with that. Crawling is a long way off. Try to deal with things today and let the future take care of itself. At the end of the day you are his mother and you decide where he goes. No one can make you do anything with your baby that you're not comfortable with. They can always visit you if they want to see him!

I think it's a basic instinct to be squeamish about dirt when you have a newborn - and a good thing too.

But as they get older you lose that - which is also a good thing, because once they're crawling their immune systems can handle a huge amount of dirt. Just as well or none of us would be here!

One thing I would insist on though (later!) is that dog and cat poo are out of his reach and the animals are wormed.

I would use the animals as the excuse when the time comes. Perhaps he might be allergic to cat hair

You can always use the excuse that all the baby things are at your house - bouncy chair, black-out blinds?, babies favourite toys,etc. That way, she'll need to come around to yours.

Tbh, I wouldn't broach the subject with her. In my experience, people are very touchy about this kind of thing, and I imagine that she'd be both hurt,and in denial, neither of which will help.

Also, if she kept the house like that for her own children, she's unlikely to change anything for her grandchild. Sorry if this sounds unkind, but people simply have different standards of housekeeping.

I do feel for you - I'm in a similar situation with my MIL. As other posters have mentioned though, it is receding as the baby gets older and is managing to find days old bits of food on my carpet.

I'm here with katsma. It's just going to be yet another argument. Just enjoy each other's company.
I think making her come to yours makes sense as all his toys/equipment etc is there?
Cat/dust mites allergy sounds good too?

I wish my MIL had cats so I could use that one too.

My sister and I have a similar situation at my mum's. Actually, I found that when I warned her DS was crawling she had a massive clean up and the place was much better. And both of us tend to clean when we visit anyway (OK so we might offend them but better than coping with a filthy kitchen).

Well, I'm all for germs and that but there's dirt and then there's serious dirt. Sounds like your mum has gone for the serious option. It's not really your responsibility to clean her house. She is after all, a grown woman.

I wouldn't let my DCs stay in a filthy house either.

So, why don't you just always be super hospitable when she comes over with lots of lovely meals, tea and cake. She'll really feel like she's missing out if she doesn't go to yours instead of vice versa.

Stall your son going to stay there until he's old enough to fend for himself (umm, five years old?) and can say for himself he would rather not stay in a pigsty. Or maybe he would. But that's up to him by then.

My in-laws always spoke about my children going to stay when they were little, but they are now 14 and 15 and have never been invited!!!

Thanks for all of your replies, they're much appreciated and really useful and I'm glad I'm not being too over-protective and hormonal. The equipment being at my house is a really great excuse, ditto the animals, as the dog belongs to my brother who lives next door but one, it's a nice hound, but a bit wild and tends to jump up, which I'm not happy about.

Good idea about the tea and cake, we always go to M&S and buy loads of yummy stuff for her when she comes round. She enjoyed it so much that she broke one of my garden chairs last year

You're all dead right about once he's crawling; I used to help out at a school and the majority of kids were pretty grubby by the end of the day, which is fairly normal!

I crin ge at the memory of taking ds as a little one to a friend of my mum's house to lunch. Their house was really quite filthy and things like cups and plates never properly clean and the inside of the fridge was truly scary. we survived these visits however ! Can understand your anxieties though. My parents house is never as clean and sparkly as I'd have my own and I do scrub around in the bathroom a bit when I stay !!

My parents are exactly the same. They have lots of animals and there are always used cat litter trays around the house. I am fortunate in a way as I live about 100 miles away and therefore do not visit very often, but when I do, I just try to keep the boys 4 and 2 away from the litter trays etc, but let them move around other than that. Wait until he is older and not putting things in his mouth and then go around, your children have to get used to it, as it is their granparent, try not to worry, it does get easier!

Get her a cleaner as her christmas present and give her the reason is that if she is going to be babysitting you want to spoil her and make sure that she does not have to worry about both baby and cleaning.

Ask your stepfather if he's ever thought of picking up a duster. Maybe if your mum doesn't like cleaning he could do it.

I think it's totally fair enough not to want to visit their house with a baby if it filthy. Don't feel too bad about it. It's not like she can't see him at your place.

my mil house is exactly the same, 2 dogs and some birds.

When he was crawling, putting things in his mouth i avoided visiting and we would go out for the day etc.

Now my son is 3.6 and we do visit and i keep an eye on him. My mil is a very caring, loving, nanny and a bit of dirt isnt the end of the world.

If nan offers to babysit i say no, not because of the dirt but because of the dogs, i dont trust them/him together, so she comes to us.

bums - why didn't I think of the cat allergy thing? (Or could conjure up an "acute fear of dogs" now I think about it - ummm - ).

I really sympathise Gerbiltamer. Have a similar problem with one of my sisters. No point in mentioning it though because she simply doesn't notice the pong in the fridge/the over-flowing bin/or the mouldly J-cloth in the sink covered in cat hairs (in fact one time I was there she was using an old t-shirt to clean the dishes..)

Sorry to report this but we took the decision to visit twice (we live abroad so family ties and all that) and despite everything she is a really great Aunt. DD (4) was ill one time and fine the other.

It's not easy ...

After DS1 coming home with dog hairs in his nappy, smelling of fags and with filthy clothes (and body!), I put a stop to him going there. Slightly different as this was MIL's house, but I can really, really sympathise. Keep making excuses, so she can come to yours instead. Eventually she'll get the message, and it saves an argument you don't want and you can't win.