Family criticising my parents

[SeaRoom]

I’m sorry this is long....

I have one older brother who lives abroad. In the last decade or so he’s become increasingly judgemental about people and particularly our parents (who have long been divorced).

He criticised our father (to me) pretty much relentlessly up to and even after he passed away around 8 years ago. My father wasn’t the easiest person but he didn’t deserve the character assassination my brother deemed fit to share with me and the nasty comments made in the two weeks immediately after his death were heartbreaking.

He also buggered off home leaving me to deal with all the probate and the entirety of my father’s property and contents with no thanks or acknowledgement of my weeks off work dealing with this while grieving.

Fast forward to now and he’s becoming the same about our mother, who is the kindest, most blameless person I know. So this is much harder to hear and totally undeserved.

He’s visiting the UK now and we have just met for lunch with my mother’s sister. The pair of them sat discussing my mother and comparing negative notes and being mean. I tuned out and said nothing and then after 15 mins or so, my aunt said ‘Oh, is this conversation not of interest to you?.’ I told them It wasn’t and explained (very calmly) why and then (still calm) left the restaurant, paying half bill on way out.

I am sure neither of them realise that this was a reaction to 10 years of this. They will no doubt have discussed me as soon as I was gone.

I have no idea what this means in term of any future relationship with either of them.

My husband, who wasn’t at the lunch but knows the type of comments they make, says I did the right thing.

I guess I am posting to hear from anyone with any similar experiences and how they addressed these.... thank you (and please be a little kind, as this has really shaken me up).

You did the right thing!

I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is a horrible situation for you, and I can understand that you are torn between loyalty to your mother, but also affection for your brother and aunt.

There are members of my family who have slated my mother, who is the loveliest person I know. I will always try to shut the conversation down; the same way you would if a stranger was insulting your family. There are various people we have distanced ourselves from and although it might be hard to begin with, it can definitely end up being the best thing.

It might be worthwhile trying to talk to your brother about how you feel, and explain that you see your mum differently to how he does. You might not be able to change his opinion, but maybe he will take a step back and realise not to talk in that way to you.

I work in Elderly Client and Probate Law, and I can truthfully and sadly say that your situation is not unique. I hear a lot from my clients that there is conflict between their children, and they are not as naïve to it as their children might think.

Hope that helps xx

Thank you, Malone. I really appreciate your insight and kind words.

I'd create a boundary of "no slagging off family members in my hearing or I walk out" and do that. Just like you did today. Maybe one warning of "I don't like the way this conversation is going, I don't want to hear it". But you did the right thing. Why would you sit there and listen to it?

Thanks, category,. Good idea.

I am really glad that I changed the lunch location, which was originally supposed to my house and would have been much harder to deal with.

An interesting test of their emotional intelligence now will be whether either of them speak to my mother ‘Oh, SeaRoom stormed out of lunch’. I sincerely hope they don’t as I don’t plan to mention it to her - I want to protect her form the nature of the conversation.