Dealing with intrusive unhelpful parents

[Wombleofwimbledon1984]

Historically I have had a very good relationship with my parents but have probably relied on them too much.

Lately my DH and I have been going through a really hard time. DH was bullied at a job and was let go, though did get a settlement. This coincided with me becoming pregnant. DH has struggled to find work and a very good job he was offered pulled out of the offer a few weeks ago because of ‘budgets’

We also found out two weeks ago that our baby has digeorges. We had to decide whether to terminate or not - it was the worst time of my life- but have decided to Keep the baby.

Parents all through this have made the situation a whole lot worse. They advocated termination fairly vocally. Are now supportive of keeping but I don’t think I will ever get over them being so strong in their opinion - wish they’d just given us the space we needed to come to a very personal decision.

They are also now saying very unhelpful things about DH employment situation - saying they are concerned, flagging up the bleeding obvious all the time. We will be fine - I earn fairly well and can support us just about with him being a Sahd temporarily if necessary. His confidence is really low and he is doing all he can to find work.

They are very privileged and quite old school and just don’t seem to understand how lucky they were. Whenever we see them dh comes away feeling shit, saying I could do far better. I build him up for them to just bring him down again.

I don’t want to distance myself from them over this and have told them I didn’t appreciate the baby input. How do I go forwards without there being a bigger and bigger rift? Feel totally stuck in the middle and that they are making a shit situation a lot more shit.

Are you able to have an honest conversation with them and tell them how they are making you feel? They might be just doing their best but not be very good at empathy. If you point them towards what you would find supportive then they might be able to change direction and support you and DH

My parents were well-meaning, intrusive types. They’d act peevish if they thought I was confiding in friends rather than them, especially during my divorce. Stifling.

Some of their advice was poor. Not all, in fairness. But I made a couple of duff decisions, including my degree subject, in order to keep them quiet and stop them going on and on and on and on.

I wish I’d set up boundaries earlier (I was aged 45ish when I stopped fretting about what they’d say/think about what I did). I now trust my own judgment, discuss problems with my boyfriend and/or close friends, and know how to get informed advice if I need it (as you presumably did from doctors and midwives re. your pregnancy - the people best placed to opine!)

You perhaps need to start by telling them less. Keep medical and financial matters private unless/until they need to know.

Good luck with the birth. Hope it goes smoothly.

I'm sorry for your troubles.

Can you explain how they managed to find out so many personal details about you and DHs life? Do you offer a lot of information to them, usually? If you do, then I'd say that the first thing to do is drastically rethink that and stop giving them quite so much ammunition.

Its almost unkind to unload that much onto folk who have prove to you that they are terrible at supporting you etc.

I have been in almost the same situations you describe and never in a million years would I have involved my parents until well after the situation had been sorted / decisions made tbh... because I know what they are like..

I think you’re both very right - I have leant on them too much and probably shouldn’t share too much. But I also don’t lying - I don’t want to pretend dh is working when he’s not, for example.

I’m also doing this very late. Most people seem to have an emancipation moment a lot earlier.

Dh is clearly really sore at them and talks about his family in a way that’s kind of pointedly positive / mentions disparaging things in passing about my family. It’s fair in a way but i find it really hard - they’re still my family and have been great in so many ways.

I know lots of people dislike their in-laws. I just don’t know how to not be bothered by a distance between my dh and my family.

My DM is lovely in many ways, but I learned a very long time ago that it’s best to edit my account of my life to her. She worries obsessively and will keep bringing things up long after I’ve dealt and moved on (my childhood being a prime example). Can’t do much about the distant past but I do adopt a ‘nothing to see here’ approach with the present wherever possible. Have you and your DH friends and others who are supportive?

You have experienced two very tough, challenging life blows over the past few weeks. You both must be reeling.

You will now have a child with many additional needs that will require a significant change to your working lives and bring major emotional and logistical challenges.

What are your thoughts about how you will both adapt to that?

I understand that your parents have been overbearing during this time but if you believe they have been ultimately loving and kind although it’s sounds also handwringing and anxious maybe think how you can all move forward from this flashpoint - you are likely to really need their support in the long term. But you do need to make it clear to them that you and your DH are the decision makers and if they are to be involved they have to pipe down and respect this.

I would also be direct and ask them not to criticise your DH.