Attraction in mixed sex friendships

[NotAnotherNameChangePlease]

If there’s an attraction on one side, do you think the other person in the friendship always picks up on it?

I separated from Dh last year and now going through divorce. Since school I’ve had a male friend who has always just been a friend, never anything happened between us, our dads our best friends so he’s almost like a brother to me.

Anyway, to my utter horror I know find myself ridiculously attracted to him and unable to comprehend how I’ve managed not to see how gorgeous he is for the last 25 years. I’m now trying to avoid him as I find the whole thing mortifying, if he found out I was attracted to him I think it would inevitably ruin our friendship which I genuinely do really value. I’m pretty sure it’s just hormones or fall put from my divorce or something and hoping it will pass but at the moment it’s showing no signs of abating.

I’ve mentioned it to a couple of female friends who absolutely love it, are insisting that he’s been in love with me forever (he very definitely hasn’t) and that I have to tell him. I’ve been in a few friendships with men and I’ve always picked up if they’ve fancied me but with this guy I absolutely never have. I also think my friends have just always liked this guy and not my Dh so they would like me to have a relationship with him.

Meanwhile I’m sitting here feeling like a daft bloody teenager, ignoring my lovely friend as I’m concerned I’m going to start dry humping him if I see him and waiting for this whole bloody thing to calm down.

Entirely up to you. If he is not single, leave well alone. If you go for it, bear in mind that if it doesn't work out, you will lose a friend and a partner, and probably mutual friends.

I don't think the other person always picks up on it. I had a male friend declare feelings for me once and I had no idea he felt that way.

As to your sudden crush, I would say just try to carry on as normal with him otherwise he may want to know why you are avoiding him. It may well be hormones, or proximity (if you have been spending a lot of time together), or just that he is conveniently there. I've developed a crush on 3 different male friends. The first time I was young and foolish and told him, turned out he didn't feel the same. The second time I held off and he moved away. Once i stopped seeing him regularly the crush went away. The third time I held off and he started dating someone else. As soon as I saw him in a relationship with someone else I realised how completely unsuitable we would be as a couple and thanked my lucky stars that I never told him.

I don’t think the other person always picks up on it either. Is he single?

He’s single, has been for a while. It would be pretty awkward if I said something and he wasn’t interested - we pretty much run the charity that our dads set up due to them no longer being able to. Or even if he was interested and it got messy then that would be really awkward too.

For now, I’m trying to just avoid him because I’m such a bloody mess around him. There is quite a bit of work that we need to do soonish though so can’t put it off for long.

Why don't you just tell him? Life's top short and if he doesn't feel the same if you are such good friends you'll move past it. You never know could be the best thing you ever do

You say yourself it’s probably psychological fallout from the divorce — you managed to overlook his devastatingness for a quarter of a century! Ignore, and it’ll die down if it’s own accord. I’ve had moments of attraction with male friends and it just goes away again.

I agree that life is too short to not say something if you are genuinely feeling something towards him?

Ask him for a coffee xxx

Maybe just text him then feels less awkward? Be honest n take control or it might come out another way you're unprepared for.

If you've known each other for 25 years and never been attracted to him in the past, then you should be able to think of several reasons why that is. Make a list of all the reasons why you shouldn't date him, save it in the notes section of your phone, and then when your hormones go a bit crazy, use it to remind yourself why you shouldn't tell him you suddenly fancy him. As FuchsiaBay said, your feelings will probably go away with time, you just have to stop yourself doing anything you might regret in the meantime.

You don’t need to ‘tell’ him.

Just make plans to see him, regularly, and nature will take its course. Or not.

Couldn’t the friendship underlying have been kept that way due to the boundaries set by you because you were in a relationship. Now that you’re not and this boundary is gone- the attraction has grown organically? I don’t think you should avoid him, I think you owe him honesty as your friend. Especially as you’ve told other people. Just be honest and say you’re confused as your feelings about him have changed recently and see where it goes from there?

Well, I went out for a drink last night with him and a few others of us and ended up sleeping with him

WOOHOO!

Tell us more.........

Blimey!....that was quick work...well apart from the last 25 years obvs

How was it?

It was pretty amazing but that could well be due to having not had sex in 3 years. I’m currently split between completely cringing that this happened (as it could be so awkward, rather than because I regret it) and feeling really happy.

Well that's brilliant! Dont cringe...I'm guessing he had a good time too!

Where do you go from here do you think?

Oh God, I don’t know. We’re not due to see each other until Thursday at a sports club thing. He’s sent me a couple of daft memes this morning but he often does that.

I live in a stupidly small community where everyone knows everyone’s business. One of my friends who I’d told mentioned it to this guys brother. The brother spoke to me last night and said that everyone knows that this guy has always had a soft spot for me. God, that sounds like we’re all still at school. We’re all in our 30’s ffs! I think because our group of friends have all been married for so long that any new couplings are the most exciting things ever that happen round here.

Wow this thing has no brakes!

Go for it - you said in an earlier post he definitely didn't have a thing for you. Sex isn't just amazing cos you haven't had any in 3 years - that takes some chemistry. Sounds like the start of something, at the very least, fun for both of you.

Ffs XDh has somehow found out about this and is telling me I’m a slut and an unfit mother. He knows how to take the fun out of everything.

. Tell him its none of his bloody business.

Being single and having sex with someone you’ve known and cared about for years makes you a slut and an unfit mother now does it?
I’d save that text for the divorce proceedings, might be useful!

I’m just ignoring him. He’ll get bored soon.

I'm glad he's an ex if he thinks that's an ok way to speak to the mother of his children!

I can see why he's an ex.....good decision there!

Hope you have a lovely time with the new guy.