I agree it's more debilitating than usually thought - and it CAN cause some arseholeish behaviour/defensive coping mechanisms, and I think this distinction is sometimes overlooked on MN.
It's not true that you CAN'T see how others see you. That's more related to the part of the ASD spectrum which affects people's social awareness. ASD and ADHD can be comorbid. But particularly if the condition is badly managed and/or undiagnosed until adulthood, most people will have developed several unhealthy coping mechanisms over the years. If you have antisocial behaviours which you can't help/don't realise are having adverse effects on others, then it can be pretty painful to honestly look at how you come across to people, especially if you don't have the tools or knowledge to change it. Something we find painful, we tend to be reluctant to repeat, it's sort of hard-wired. So yes in some ways the unwillingness (or even inability, if it's that ingrained) to look at how you are coming across to others is part of the condition, but it's not a given. IME if you are an empathetic person who wants to know how you are affecting others and you later gain tools to be able to change the perceived negative aspects of your behaviour, then it's possible to start to look at it and be able to make meaningful changes, but it does involve the non-ADHD person involved being empathetic themselves and understanding that it can be really hard for one thing to make the changes in the first place, and for another, to overcome the effects of constant shame and guilt that has been piled on them potentially since childhood, that this can be a source of - almost trauma, in terms of it being a very sensitive/painful area to touch upon and easily triggering those old feelings of failure/inadequacy.
If you're neurotypical and somebody tells you that something you do is annoying, you would probably try to stop doing that thing. And most people would be successful which in turn makes them less annoying and more likeable, which is a positive outcome and hence rewarding.
If you're ADHD and somebody tells you that something you do is annoying, but you don't know how/when/why you're doing it and you're unable to sufficiently control it, all that happens is that you develop the self-belief "I'm annoying". The amount of people that tell you you're annoying doesn't make a difference to your ability to stop the annoying behaviour, so instead the most rewarding (or self-protective) action is to simply ignore anybody saying you are annoying, and decide "I'm a marmite person - you love me or hate me" or just dismiss it as something you can't change. FWIW, women tend to turn this criticism inwards and feel depressed, whereas men tend to try and bounce the criticism away. Although either sex can react in the opposite way.