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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husbands affair out in open but I'm on the sofa

17 replies

Catloveisreal · 07/03/2020 07:27

I posted recently about how scared me and kids were of my H. They confronted him and now the 5 year at least affair is out in the open. My H has come up with a barrage of justifications including all my alleged affairs. He's a master manipulator. I have been to see a couple the H of whom he says I slept with 20 odd years ago. They are angry and told me the real reason our families fell out back then was his verbal abuse of their daughter. I can't afford to leave. H is acting like nothings happened. He's in the only available bed. Somehow I'm on the sofa. He doesn't see how grossly unfair this is and also has not been to OW who is apparently expecting him to move in. I'm not so scared of violence now but I feel so ill.

OP posts:
Purplewithred · 07/03/2020 07:38

What is stopping you from leaving? The relationship cant carry on.

ScrapThatThen · 07/03/2020 07:40

Can you afford not to leave? What is the true cost? Try to disengage from his control at least.

Soontobe60 · 07/03/2020 07:40

Just leave him. Contact your local women’s refuge for advice. You cannot possibly stay in that environment though.

babbi · 07/03/2020 07:42

I’m sorry that you have this vile man in your life .
You need to leave now .. there is nothing but pain and misery leftbthete for you .
Good luck

petitepeach · 07/03/2020 07:42

You have to leave/get rid of him! You have the rest of your life to live; he won’t change you have been brainwashed by his perpetual bullshit....

Look at your situation, other people have stopped having contact with you because of HIM..... he has no respect for you at all. You deserve to be happy, hope you have the strength to move on... he doesn’t own you.

babbi · 07/03/2020 07:43
  • left there
category12 · 07/03/2020 08:02

Speak to Women's Aid/domestic abuse services in your area about getting you and your dc out safely. You can then get legal aid to divorce and get your share of any marital assets. (And if you're in social housing, contact your housing officer about the domestic abuse. They will be able to help/signpost you).

Are you really going to choose for your dc to live in fear, and watch you suffer, for their entire childhoods rather than leave?

Lordamighty · 07/03/2020 08:24

Encourage him to move in with the OW, sounds like they deserve each other.

Catloveisreal · 07/03/2020 08:24

My kids are older and fully aware of situ in fact they discovered the evidence of his affair. Important exams coming up and a menagerie of pets make a swift exit more stressful for them. I think I just want to vent about the sheer utter selfishness of the vile man who even taunted kids with claims he had them genetically tested to make sure, they were his and implied the OW kids might be his too though he's backtracking on that now. I am planning to get away. I just can't do it quickly.

OP posts:
Sunshinelollipops1 · 07/03/2020 08:26

@Catloveisreal speak to Women’s Aid. If there is DV you maybe able to to get an occupation order making him leave the home. They are draconian orders, but the court can, in the right circumstances, make them.

SW16 · 07/03/2020 08:33

Vent away OP.
It sounds horrible.

And meanwhile, make your plan. Get your finances sorted out, make copies of everything, put as much money into an account which only you have access to.

Tell the kids you are making a plan and seeking legal advice. They were concerned enough to confront him, they deserve to know that you will do something to get them out.

Go to CAB and find out what you would be entitled to if you left him. Go to a solicitor and find out what you will get in a divorce settlement.

Do you own / mortgage your house? It is true it is hard to get him out of a house he co-owns, but you can find out how to do this quickest.

Look up the Freedom Programme.

Knowledge is power. Get as much as you can.

He is obviously a total bastard.

Catloveisreal · 07/03/2020 08:33

Been to solicitor. Only chance of getting him out is if police get called and he's being careful not to kick off. He's maintaining a presence in the home. Doesn't seem to want OW so much now the secrets out but her marriage ended during her affair with him.

OP posts:
TheYearOfTheDog · 07/03/2020 08:39

Yeh, a man like that is never going to leave and let you have it that easy, there's no way he'll do you the favour of leaving you alone in the house, he'll hang around to enjoy abusing you.

If you're children are older, you're not abandoning them so that can't be held against you in a divorce. Can you talk to women's aid and then get the divorce in motion.

Flufferbum · 07/03/2020 08:55

Horrible bastard

Dery · 07/03/2020 18:56

If there has been domestic abuse, you may be able to obtain a non-molestation order. If granted, that would require him to leave the house. It won’t regulate ownership of the house (you would need an occupation order for that - you could also try for one of those but they’re harder to get). The abuse does not have to have been physical - emotional abuse/coercive control can be sufficient. If you’re interested in this option, call the National Centre for Domestic Violence (www.ncdv.org.uk) and they will talk you through the process.

Catloveisreal · 07/03/2020 20:05

Thank you. Its affecting the 16yos studies and the toxic atmosphere is awful for everyone. I have talked to police and doctor but feel alas without bruises eyc its just a case of he said she said..

OP posts:
Mikeymoo12 · 07/03/2020 22:28

I have no useful advice but I just wanted to offer support,what a horrid man!! I hope you get away soon OP x

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