I am lonely in the evenings

[Mikethenight2good]

For as long as I can remember (well the past couple of years), I spend most evenings at home on my own. Married, 2 young DC.
My husband goes to bed super early (after the kids around 8ish) and I am on my own. If we go out and socialise he will stay up. Or if he knows he has the next day to himself he will stay up but I am so lonely on my own.
I can occasionally distract myself with a good boxset, but tonight I have been on my own since 7.45! on a Friday night!!!

I then end up sleeping by myself as he goes to the spare bed.

Its rubbish.

Why does he go to bed so early?

What time does he have to get up then? That's ridiculously early for an adult. Do you think he's actively avoiding you?

What's his reason for going to bed early? Does he have to get up early for work? Has he always done this? When do you get time just you two?

What’s the point in being married? You might as well be single and go dating on the weekends when he has the children

Is he on his phone up there, OP?

In the same club. Been on my own for 90 mins now (with occasional trips upstairs to check ds is settling). I know what chronic illness DH has, but it's still very lonely

I am on the other side of the fence here - is it possible your dh just gets so tired that unless he does this, he really can't function? It would seem that way if he only stays up if he has a free day the next day - sounds like he can't cope with a late night if the next day is demanding in any way.

I'm not sure what the answer is here, but could you compromise by going to bed with him sometimes? I appreciate that would mean you'd be up really early the next day (because you don't need as much sleep as him) but you could do stuff in the morning like go to the gym, go running, go cycling? Things that you wouldn't do in an evening with the time to yourself.

Hope you can come to something workable for both of you.

I'd go out!

What’s his normal working day?

That's pretty shit. I assumed you were on your own. I get tired but after the kids have gone to bed I watch TV for an hour with my husband or what's the point? We slept in separate beds when the kids were little for ease. But if we hadn't watched some TV on the same sofa I would never have seen him.

People need more sleep than others.

I go to bed very early (it's 20:58 and this is super late for me!) and get up very early.
If I go to bed later, I wake up just as early and then have to function on very little sleep the following day and feel like shit.

You won't go to bed at the same time as him, so why should he go to bed the same time as you? People are different.

BUT. If he's not going up to bed and sleeping (ie. If he's watching TV or playing on his phone) then it's a bit shitty he doesn't stay downstairs with you a bit longer.

He does have some minor mental health illness which does mean he needs more sleep. If he doesn't go to sleep when he is tired and stays up he ends up not being able to sleep at all. With a young family he feels he would rather get some decent sleep and be ready and available for his family the next day.
This week he has had to work late so this has caught up on him.

I just feel a bit bottom of the list. He will happily stay up if we have plans or something but just being in our own comes underneath the need for sleep.

I do understand his needs. I am just lonely and miss having some adult time

We were away recently and as it was so relaxed we had evening time together and we really connected again. It was nice to have company in the evening.

And now, I feel like we are back to me being stuck on the sofa and him off to bed.

I personally think it’s more important for people to admit their sleep needs and prioritise them over evenings with their partner - maybe not every night but most nights. If his sleep impacts his mental health then it’s good for him to get the sleep he needs. Can you carve out day time instead? For example lunch together whilst the kids are at school or at an activity instead?
I get deeply anxious and depressed if I don’t get enough sleep - that would have a far more negative impact on my relationship than a few hours of evening time spent apart.

Get yourself off out then. You don't need to stay stuck in doors.

Will he stay up at the weekend with you?

My DH is up at 5am every morning for work. He's in bed most evenings by 9pm. Even if he sits up, he'll fall asleep on the sofa. Weekends he will sit up later.

I used to work evenings and not get home until he was in bed. That was shit.

OP, of course he's going to put his mental health, physical health and ability to function like a human being in the workplace over an evening sat on the sofa with you!

If he needs sleep, he needs slepp.

And you don't need to be sat on the sofa feeling lovely. Do something. Get a hobby. Exercise. Meal prep. Read. Study a new subject. Go out.

People have different sleep patterns and that's just the way it is. It's no single person's fault. It's just biology. Asking him to stay up for you resulting in him feeling like shit the following day isn't fair, just like you being expected to go to bed at 8pm with him if you aren't tired isn't fair either.

We have tv upstairs so usually are in bed - together watching that before 8.

Dh up at 5.30 so he's often asleep by 8 any way.

I don't feel lonely as we're together.

We've done the whole separate beds as lack of sleep is killer but would not recommend it

Ok so I get people points about going out. I do quite regularly. This week I had to cancel meeting friends for dinner as worked late, then missed an exercise class as again he worked late. So missed out on my social scene.

But that's not the point. Where is our time as a couple? We both work full time. We have a young family. So going to bed when the kids do leaves no time for us. Where is my emotional support.

If this was me I would go out with my friends especially on a Friday night. He is there if the kids wake up after all !!!

Me and my partner both struggle with working full time and how it knackers us out. We regularly end up in bed by 9pm and it pisses me off. How has society got to the point where we have to work so much any family life or socialising comes last. But if he needs his sleep so be it. I’d rather that than him sleeping all weekend and neglecting his children.

I think some of the pp's on here saying get over it it's different sleep patterns are under estimating what an impact this can have on a marriage and your own mental health.

I have a busy life am often out in the evenings but when my husband starting going to bed at 8pm every evening a couple of years ago it was really upsetting after a while. Imagine every time you are home you feel alone because your husband doesn't have the desire or energy to make an effort to stay up even an hour later a couple of nights a week. Underlying medical issues with standing I think it's a symptom of other problems in a relationship and a way to shut out the other person without having to communicate.

In our case it turned out my husband had actually checked out of our marriage and was having an emotional affair with a woman he would happily tx in the evenings. We're now divorcing.

If you haven't already talk to him about how you feel and hopefully you can work together to come up with a routine that works for both of you. If not then maybe it's a sign of bigger problems. Good luck OP

Sleep habits are really hard wired, my boyfriend needs a lot more sleep than me, he’s normally asleep by 9:30, when he stays over I save my own hobbies for when he’s in bee, reading, gaming etc. I’m usually awake until 1am, there is no way I would expect him to force himself to stay awake. He sometimes stays up until 10:30-11ish and the next day he is really tired, expecting him to do that regularly would be really selfish of me.