Hand hold please...

[samb80]

I'm a little fragile and have taken me some time to write this but am look for a hand hold or if possible advise how to move forward / let go etc.
Came out of a 15 year relationship (I ended it, ex was abusive and alcohol) met a man who came out of a 15 year relationship (she left him).
I really really like him and we have been having sex for sometime. He blows hot and cold and I'm pretty sure he still loves his ex. He seemed to really like me at the beginning and we get on really well. Now I only get messages when he wants to have sex and will literally shower me in attention until the deed is done and then nothing, radio silence. I've always made excuses for him and have given him the benefit of the doubt (work, kids etc). But I've come to realise he sees me as one thing and one thing only. I've previously tried to talk to him about how I feel and he would just say to keep things simple etc. I know I can't see him any more, the times in between our get together cause me a lot of stress and anxiety, I've lost confidence and to be honest it really depresses me. But I don't know how to move forward or get over him, I just don't know how to let go. He was the first person I liked and was vulnerable with after my marriage and I'm finding this all really painful.
Self love and distance all sound good in theory but the practically of it doesn't work. I'll get distracted with thoughts about him and I'm just going round in a vicious circle of negative thinking and behaviour.
Any advise would be much appreciated.

I would enrol yourself onto Womens Aid's Freedom Programme as it is for those who have previously been in abusive relationships. You really do need something like this.

Sadly it appears that you went from one abusive relationship straight into another abusive relationship. Your boundaries, already skewed by previous abuse, were further eroded and damaged by this individual who targeted you mainly because he sensed you were vulnerable and in a low place. You were only to him his booty call here.

Love your own self for a change (trite as that may well sound) and work on rebuilding your own life without this man in it. Look too at what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up; were you always told or otherwise encouraged to give people the benefit of the doubt?.

Read this article too; very quick attachment like you describe can also be a red flag:-
www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

I can't say that he targeted me, to be honest I sort of perused him. I was very casual at the time but my feelings grew.
It didn't feel abusive I just let my feeling run away with themsleves and emotionally invested. I feel like I'm the red flag in the situation I got it all horribly wrong and I'm the one that keeps going back even though I know not too. I seem to be my own problem, I don't know how to let go.

I’ve been there and it’s awful. This will ruin your self esteem to tatters Op. I’d advise to have a stern word with yourself and break it off now as it’s better to do it early than to get yourself too emotionally invested to the point of no return. Think of it this way - by staying with this person you aren’t just waiting precious you time but you are also denying yourself from finding the ‘right one’ for you

Is it abusive to persuade someone to have sex with you by showering them with attention, then drop them until next time? He knows you want more, knows he doesn't. Thinks he can still get sex if he plays his cards right.

Perhaps that isn't abusive but it is manipulative and it's dickish.

Can you reframe things? Call him if you fancy some attention fuss and sex, then ignore him when you don't? Can you persuade yourself it was a nice interlude, a good way of letting off steam and learning about yourself, but that he isn't relationship material (because he's a manipulative dick)?

Yes you're right - it is manipulative. And I know that and have told myself that so many many many times.
What upsets me is that the situation does suit me and I didn't want much from him (just exclusive fucking rights, and to check in once in a while) he is the first person I've liked. But the situation has bashed my confidence and self esteem to the point where I do not recognise myself. I have tried numerous of times to let it go, but can't.
There have been times when his mask has slipped and I've seen things I don't like but I will somehow manage to excuse this. And believe it or not I didn't even fancy him when I first met him but he seems to have drawn me in, it's horrible and makes me feel like shit. I was only a few months ago a straight talking, confident, assertive , strong, had my shit together woman who has turned into a needy, pathetic little girl.

I have no doubt that your abusive relationship lowered your self confidence and self esteem OP and kept you in this situation. You need to block him and move on. As pp have said, please enrol on the Freedom Programme and look at doing some one to one therapy in order to work on yourself. Don't get into another relationship, it's easy to jump from one to the next for validation and an ego boost but, you're in danger of more of the same.

Someone with self confidence, who values themselves walks at the first sign of a red flag. Don't let anyone treat you badly OP, you're worth loving and being cherished.