Coercive or normal sexual relations

[tuctuc]

I have nc for this as my previous posts could linked and outing.
My marriage of ten years is over. Together nearly 20 years. I'm in therapy and trying to process everything and learn for the future .
My ex and I had a wonderful sex life for approximately two years at the beginning. Regular and exciting. Both had high sex drives .
The excitement began to tail off as did my energy levels and interest in sex as I had three children in quick succession and had two bereavements. He got sulky and moody when I did not instigate sex and then got further sulky and moody when I was too tired. For context, he worked long hours as did I and had no input into daily family life, childcare or house work. He also attended college twice a week and the other evenings were taken if he was at home with assignments.
He began to get grope my boobs and bum when passing me by and would often look for ' quickies' when kids downstairs watching tv or in their rooms. I always agreed as his moods would destroy the rest of the day .He always slapped my bum in a playful manner as he passed me by and often in friont of the kids. I told him to stop, I didn't like it. He didn't take any notice. My youngest son started to slap me on the bum too.
We had so little left by the end, in fact all that was left was incessant need for sex. I was so turned off by that stage , I used to flinch and tense up when he touched me or put his arms around me. He felt this and I'm sure he knew deep down that he repulsed me.
I remember once when I was getting dressed in the morning, he walked over to me and started to feel my boobs while saying ' may I?' . Kids were running around getting dressed and it was chaotic and something inside me made me feel very violated.
I should add that the kids were a small
Part of his life. They irritated him truth be told.
Even on my wedding night I didn't want sex. We stayed up with family and friends until five am and were exhausted. I asked if we could wait till morning but he said we weren't really married if we didn't have sex on our wedding night. I remember just lying there hoping he would just get it over with.
So that was all for context. I'd appreciate tour thoughts on this. I am separated now. I'm sure you can guess that he had an affair as I simply didn't fulfil his insatiable appetite for sex and freedom. I know I'm well rid but I'm healing want to set boundaries sexually for the future.
I hardly know which way is up these days. Thank you for reading.

Of course it was coercive and abusive, and illegal xxx

He didn’t respect your fysical boundaries.
Trying to manipulate you into letting him touch you in front of the kids is appalling.

You did right to divorce him, he sounds 🤮.

Thanks. I'm really struggling with this at the moment because I sometimes blame
Myself too for being so turned off him and repulsed by the end. I used to actually have to drink wine so as to sleep with him. I almost feel guilt.

I’m shocked that you waited eighteen years before ending the relationship. Only the first two years were good....per your OP.
Obviously you were not right for each other sex drive wise and then, even worse, he was sexually and emotionally abusive towards you.
I think only advice I have is you should trust yourself more. I think you had a daily battle convincing yourself it was all “normal” due to kids and bereavements. Plus he was manipulating you into thinking you were neglecting him. You’ve got good life experience, I don’t think you’ll be fooled twice. So trust yourself.

The thing is that we enjoyed a wonderful sex life until he could not and would not accept that the initial level of sexual interest and activity was naturally reducing due to kids etc.Then the more he pushed for it, the more turned off I became and the less I wanted him sexually.
He had a thing for anal and while he never ever forced , he complained and tried to convince me when I didn't want to do it. Again, I did it to keep him happy. I also found him twice on porn sites, with anal as his usual search word . He probably was and is a sex pest.
Advice for the future please?

Why do you blame yourself? If you had met this man in a pub and chatted to him/fancied him would you have been happy to let him grope you? I am sure you’d have kicked him in the balls and left. The fact that you were together/married makes no difference.

I believe you were turned off and repulsed by him because of the way he treated you. Your body therefore your right to say yes or no.

He had an affair which was his decision not yours if he’d have treated you better you may or may not have wanted more sex and he may still have had an affair.

Work through all of your conflicting emotions and your counselling until you feel ready to meet someone deserving of you and trust your instincts/gut to know what is right for you.

Advice for the future is to have some counselling to talk through your experiences and to avoid relationships for now. Counselling will hopefully help you to understand that the only reason you should ever be having sex is because you genuinely want it and that anyone who uses any tactic to get you to have sex you don't want is a rapist. You should never blame yourself for how your ex behaved - no decent person would ever consider using the body of another person against their will just so they could get their own desires met.

I do not feel that I was ever raped or anything to that extent. I feel like I went along with it all for an easy life. I feel
Guilt because I lost attraction to him so long ago for his lack of respect for
Me as a woman and a mother and a partner and also because sex was always bubbling and simmering away under he surface. I put up a mental barrier so I did nothing to allow
Myself to let go . There was never an opportunity for me to come onto him as he was always there first. He could not differentiate between affection and sex. I could not hug him or kiss him
Without him getting gropy. I guess that's not normal either is it?

Towards the end of my 10 year marriage sex repulsed me. Everything was all about him and his needs. He told be regularly I was a glorified wank and that that it was my fault our sex life was so shit.
The idea of him even touching me filled me with dread. But now after therapy I've realised that was the physical reaction to the mental and emotional abuse that I had endured for so long. He saw me and the woman and I was to meet his needs.
Now for me moving forward sex, lust and connection is a massive deal for me, I want to want someone not just have to do it because it's part of my role or job.

No it's not normal for there to be no affection other than groping.

It's understandable that you don't feel he raped you. He made it normal for you to have to give in to him.

Thanks. As what I once considered myself to be a very sexual person, after our relationship ending six months ago, I feel numb down there.I have no sexual feelings or Urges or anything Remotely sexual.
Although I have looked at other men and thought they were attractive and sexy, which I haven't done In twenty years .
I am not ready for sex or for another relationship. I'm far far away from that but I really want my boundaries to be so tight.
I imagine that when Or if I do meet somebody new that I am
Attracted to , that I may be shocked at what normal Actually means.It is a relief tbh.

Have you looked at the freedom programme op? Have a google. He waa regularly sexually assaulting you. I'm so glad you're not with him now

What en entitled prick. He was well aware you didn't want the groping (let alone the sex) but carried on regardless. You have absolutely done the right thing leaving him. Never again will you have to ward off his unwanted advances. You are worth so much more.

It's great you are in therapy so you can work through the possible damage this has done to you. Hold your head high because now you are open to finding a loving, healthy relationship when you feel ready.

Give yourself a break. Anyone would be repulsed by what he did. If someone did it to him, he'd be repulsed. It's the cumulative effect of being allowed no personal space and made to feel like a piece of meat.

I’m wondering how he found somebody else to sleep with if he’s like that!! Who are these women that are happy to take on these weirdos! I imagine he’s pestering her for anal right now. Think about that, pour yourself a large glass of wine and high 5 yourself for binning this arsehole

The last few years of my marriage were like this. Literally never touched me unless it involved groping my tits or arse or as a prelude to sex.

It’s really screwed with my idea of normal interactions with men. If someone is nice to me, My initial reaction is always ‘what do they want from me?’
(I don’t mean that I think I’m so gorgeous everyone wants to shag me, quite the opposite).

Take your time, don’t rush to find someone else. It’s been a couple of years for me and I’m still not there.

Thank you all for taking the time to come and advise me and share your experiences. I must admitI am
Quite shaken by your responses.It was my normal so rather than dwell, I'm going to let this sink in and hope that someday, I will
Experience a normal sexual relationship with a man who cherishes me and in the meantime I will certainly pour myself a large wine and thank the gods for escape. This thread has really helped me realise that I am well rid.I can't imagine ever living with a man again. Or trust. It must be terribly difficult.

I have a man friend in my life that may or may not be interested in me but I am thinking how that he may see me as a vulnerable woman as he is in a relationship. This has made me more determined to stay on my own and continue with therapy.