Obsessing over my ex

[Delbelleber]

So firstly I'm pregnant with his baby. Total surprise pregnancy. Made me realise I can't be in a relationship with him and bring a baby in to our situation. So I finished it. Begged him to get help for anger issues. Which he's always denied but seemingly he has now been to the doctor and starting with help.
So much has been said, so many nasty things. Half the time I hate him but I've got tears rolling down my face because somehow I miss him. I know breaking up was the right thing to do. But I can't help thinking about him all the time and torturing myself that he is moving on and meeting someone new.

I wanted him to accept his anger problems and deal with it so we could be a family when the baby comes but it's not worked out like that. He's turned things round on me and so much horrible things have been said now that we could never get back together. I wasn't going to allow him access to the baby but if he has genuinely got help for his problems then I don't think I should stop him having some involvement.
I feel like he is moving on and nothing has changed for him, always out socialising with his mates. And I'm here like a hermit and having his baby. I've made changes to my life style for this baby but he's just carrying on as usual.
Sorry for the jumbled up rant

It's really hard when something like this happens but you chose to end the relationship because that's what's best for you and baby.

You've chosen to continue with the pregnancy so you've had to make changes to your lifestyle and you'll have to for years to come.

It's shit but pregnancy is much easier for men than women (obviously) - especially when he no longer has emotional ties to you in terms of a relationship.

He's never going to be the man you want him to be so you just need to accept that your only bond now is that of parents, and hopefully he can get that help and you can co-parent successfully.

Thankyou. I know it's all true.
I just feel like he can go out and distract himself from the pain of the break up and basically do whatever he wants but I'm here going over it and missing having someone to be close to.

Do you have any friends or siblings you could spend some time with?

Or take yourself off to the cinema to watch a film?

Try not to sit and dwell. I know it's really hard but you need to build a strong base for yourself ready for when baby arrives.

I know you have a lot on OP and, well done for putting your baby first. Have you considered the Freedom Programme or some kind of counselling? It sounds as though your relationship was abusive and that can cause trauma. Look up trauma bonding which may explain why you are obsessing.

Start centring yourself and your baby and block his social media accounts. Have you contacted anyone regarding child maintenance, contact arrangements etc? You can contact Gingerbread for that.

Fresh air, yoga, healthy eating, counselling etc get busy OP and start focusing on being a great mum. You'll soon wonder what you saw in him.

He's totally playing games with me. Telling me he misses me one day and ignoring me the next. I can't stand this. I'm trying so hard not to contact him then I get the I miss you message and go over it and over it in my mind until I'm missing him and I message back then he just treats me like an arse hole again.

He gets an ego hit every time you show an interest OP. Someone who loves you and cares about you, doesn't treat you like that.

Perhaps block him for a while in order to go cold turkey. I think the no contact rule is 30 days. So that's 30 days straight of no social media stalking or texting etc That should hopefully help wean you off him.

In the meantime, get busy.

How long ago did you break up with him?
Time heals wounds but you have to stop scratching them, do you understand what I mean?
Take distance from this guy so you can heal yourself.

And remember that pregnancy is a very emotional time for many women. It’s natural a break up might affect you more now. Plus you’re carrying his baby, ofcourse he is in your mind!

I agree with @12345kbm to go at least nc for 30 days, there are many websites that can help you with this proces.

Broke up not long after the 12w scan. I didn't want to shut him out so got back together for about week at the time of the 20w scan and shit hit the fan a few days later. That was the start of jan. I've seen him once since then, silly me trying to give him another chance to be a parent and to come to my home visit with the mw and hv. He arrived early, went in a mood for some unknown reason and left after 10min before the meeting even started. Loads of email arguing since then. He is blocked but his emails come in to my spam box and I can't help myself from checking. I just want to move on from this shit. Everything he says is some bollox to make me think he's changed followed by turning it round and blaming me for all his problems.
I miss him then after a couple of messages I'm kicking myself for falling for his shit again and I realise I've been glamouring him in my head. He's never gonna change. But I can't get rid of him because he's always going to be in my life now.
There's part of me that wants to cut him out and not allow access to the baby. I know he needs to make genuine behaviour changes before I can allow him access anyway. But there's part of me that wants him to change and be a good parent because that is the way it should be. He's making it so difficult though. And not accepting his problems and blaming me isn't helping his cause what so ever.