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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

how do I finish the present buying?!

11 replies

febel · 06/03/2020 08:39

I have a friend...well more of an ex friend/acquaintance now...whom I used to (10 years ago) be v friendly with , particularly as her offspring was a similar age to mine and they were friends.
However, although I see her a few times a year because we have the same social circle, we are most definitely not friends really. We still buy birthday presents for one another although many times I feel lately that my presents are either from the present reject box or so bad she's trying to tell me something. I don't want to buy her a present this year and don't know how to tell her..and I bet she'll make me feel in the wrong if I do suggest it...any ideas on what to say. I can't fall out big time as it would be very awkward in our circle of socialising friends.

Background... I realised (and so have a couple of other people) that she is very passive aggressive and made me feel so sh*t many times. Her kids are always the best ..in her opinion, despite one of them passively aggressively bullying my offspring so badly it has affected her life, .and come out in therapy as the reason she feels and acts the way she does about some things.
So..ideas on how to say shall we not exchange presents any more?!

OP posts:
Ffsnosexallowed · 06/03/2020 08:40

Just don't. No need to make a drama out of it. Just stop

FourCappuccinos · 06/03/2020 08:48

Don't say anything just stop. You're not that close anyway.

MsPepperPotts · 06/03/2020 08:53

Just don't give another present. No need to explain yourself.

knightlight · 06/03/2020 09:04

I wouldn't be buying any presents for the mother of someone bullying my child. Just don't buy the present.

It would be embarrassing (for her) if she tried to raise it with you and if she does just say 'yeh I'm not doing that anymore'.

If you don't show your child assertiveness she will find it hard to stand up to the bullying, be her example.

febel · 06/03/2020 09:57

Sorry...forgot to mention..my "child" isn't a child any more although she was at the time..she's 22 ...and was affected by it but didn't really tell us . We did suspect and talked to her at the time but she wouldn't hear anything against this girl. My daughter has had MH issues , some of which were caused by this girl, for many years although hates people to know and doesn't tell anyone...or didn't used to. We, and she, went through hell in her early teenage years because of this, but she has had a lot of counselling and is now off all meds (anxiety) and has recently seen another counsellor..which is when all this came out as she's older and is willing to talk more and make herself feel better.

OP posts:
Musti · 06/03/2020 10:18

Just don't get her a present next time.

ComtesseDeSpair · 06/03/2020 10:18

Just send a card. If she’s been sending thoughtless or last minute presents for some time now I expect she’ll be as glad to be rid of the obligation and hassle as you are.

probablysue · 06/03/2020 10:27

Just stop. Don’t send a present or a card. If your social circle is that flakey that this would mean you’d lose friends then as kindly as possible, you need new friends that don’t include her. This is a non issue and I can’t believe you’ve carried this on for so long. Just don’t do anything and don’t say anything. Just ignore her birthday completely. If she messages to invite you out, say “sorry I’ve already got plans that day. Have a lovely time”. If she messages to ask why you’ve forgotten her gift say “sorry. We’re saving for a big holiday next year and are only doing close friends and family this year. Have a lovely day” don’t get into an argument about. Be bright and breezy when you see her

HappydaysArehere · 06/03/2020 10:35

Just send a card.

forrestgreen · 06/03/2020 10:58

If it's her birthday next then just don't buy.
Or
Hi, It's your birthday soon, just letting you know I've stopped buying for friends, I'm just doing close family now. Happy birthday!

idontwanttogoooooooooooo · 06/03/2020 11:18

If you'd rather text, just say as per my New Years resolution to reduce my environmental impact I'm not gifting presents to adults or wishing to receive them

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